Sometimes we fail, and that's okay.

I've worked for the same company off and on for five years.  In that time, I've worked in over sixty different schools, probably for a total of well over 300 days.

On Wednesday, I received my first ever bad review.

My representative called me and said she wanted to discuss some feedback I'd received from a school. She named the school, where I had been last Friday, and have been too more times than I could count in the last four years. The school has almost entirely new staff, and they don't know me. This school used to request me every single day. Every.... Day..... But the last two years have been full of turn over and I can count on my hands the times I've been there.

The school informed my company that a teacher had observed me sitting behind the desk much of the day and playing on my phone.

And you know what? I was.

I know better. I do. I even thought to myself that day, "You should be circulating more. You need to put your phone away - you're not hiding it by just putting it behind your purse." The kids were being WONDERFUL, and I was exhausted, so I wasn't working my hardest. THIS IS NOT ME. this is not how I normally perform.

And I got caught. I admitted to what I had done, though I'm sure my defenses had me downplaying it.  My representative thanked me for being honest, told me not to let it happen again, and moved on.

I called back a few minutes later on a totally unrelated note, but I apologized again and told her all the steps I would take to ensure I never had another day like that. And she was fine.

But worst case scenarios flooded my mind. "OMG what if she calls the school and they tell her it was way worse than I made it sound?!?!" "I'M GOING TO LOSE MY JOB!!" "These schools all know each other and they're going to spread the word and no one will want me!" "I'm never going to be able to use my network of schools to help me find a job when I graduate!" "My company isn't going to think of me as one of their favorite employees anymore and I'm going to get trash-talked during staff meetings." "They're not going to give me work on Friday just to punish me and I have Christmas presents to buy!"

Seriously.

 But the truth is, none of the above is true. The ordeal is over, two short days in, and things are back to normal.... I hope.

You know why?

Because our failures don't define us. They teach us. When my representative called me she was SHOCKED. She told me she assured the school that I was one of their most requested employees and that this was very much out of character.  She backed me up in saying I must have been having an off day.  AND WE ALL HAVE OFF DAYS. But because I've spent almost five years establishing myself as not just a reliable employee, but a superior one, my representative knew that this was an isolated incident.

I learned from this experience. I learned that being really good at what you do does not exempt you from following rules.  It made me reflect up on my time at Summit. When I was there, every day I felt like I was a failure. I felt like I could do nothing right. I wasn't very good at the job, and even when I thought I was doing a great job, I was called out on something I didn't do right. It was miserable.

I am so thankful to have found a field in which I excel. I've had three different social work internships at this point, and I've left all three of them each day feeling like I'd been successful. I'm so thankful for the relationships I've built with almost all of my schools.

I showed up to work at a school today nervous. I felt as though a cloud was hanging over me waiting on me to fail, even though, in over three hundred days I've only had the one complaint, but it was looming.

Today I am working at a school where I have spent many of days over the last two years.  I even got their social worker her job after they started asking me when I was graduating and did I know anyone who was available for this year.

I walked into the office this morning, rushed because it was a day-of assignment. I rounded the corner to see the receptionist.

"Hey!!! It's our favorite person from school professionals!! So glad you're here!"

Yeah, I think one failure is okay.

If Ignorance is Bliss It's Cuz She Never Heard of This

I pray daily about whether or not I'm in the right place right now... and in less than a week I have to know for sure. Though my image isn't clear, just when I think I've got it figured out, I'll have moments like today.

It's Friday, I'm recovering from one of the worst 24-hour illnesses I've had in years, and the last thing I wanted to do was stay after school for several hours. So, when one of my students walked in and reminded me that I was supposed to help him with his project (which was due DAYS ago), my stomach sank a little, realizing that the other work I desperately needed to do was going to have to wait. I had been looking forward to getting my grading done, grabbing a pumpkin spice latte, and strolling the streets of Harlem while listening to Andy Mineo's new mix tape (which you should definitely click on the previous text and download for FREE if you haven't done so already). I'm into these long walks around the city, especially when it's in neighborhoods God has laid upon my heart.

So, I begrudgingly pulled up a desk for my kid, and set my computer up on another desk, while I walked him through the beginning steps of his project. I decided to put on some Jesus hip-hop in the background (which I like to do during class sometimes), and after a few minutes discussion on our favorite rap artists and some reminiscent late-90s Cash money "I'm from New Orleans, I knew 'bout Lil wayne before you were born, and this is what we do" moments, we bonded over a love of all things hip hop, and I put on the aforementioned mix tape. I've always struggled with the fact that I absolutely love the sounds and beats and hooks and such of hip hop, but the language and themes drive me nuts, so when I discovered the amazingness of legit Gospel Hip Hop, it was like an answered prayer. I now like to share. The Westbank in me is very thankful. I shared with him my thoughts on this music, and how I like it better because the talent is the same, but the message is so much sweeter. We continued to listen, and he jammed along.

So now to the point. A few minutes in, while he's working on his project, the kid turns to me as I'm grading timelines, and says "You know, sometimes I wonder about God. Like, how is it possible that he like, created everything but like, he was never created?"

Floored moment. Quick prayer.

I proceeded to answer him in my best "we can't put God into our human box and try to rationalize him, he's way bigger than us," explanation. He then pressed on with a variety of other questions like, "So if he's God, how could he just suddenly turn himself into like, bones and skin and organs n stuff and put himself inside Mary?" and "If this guy can save the universe, why would he let himself die and get beaten?"

This conversation lasted for about half an hour. I don't have time to put everything into details, but suffice it to say, I got to do some seriously awesome sharing in this time. I got to share about how amazing Jesus's love for us truly was, and how he GAVE HIMSELF so that we wouldn't have to suffer - and that our stupid ways put him in that position. We talked about heaven and hell and spiritual warfare. We talked about Grace, and forgiveness, and good and evil. He had some fantastic stories and thoughts to share. I was so blessed by this conversation.

It...Was...Amazing.

I was completely floored by the way God opened up doors today.

I think my favorite question was "Well, how do you KNOW he's real? Like, what makes you feel so confident that God is there?" which allowed me to share the amazing things he's done for me, and how his Holy Spirit is living, breathing, and flowing through my life.

So amazing. This kid's an aspiring rapper, and has shared some pretty creative and clever rhymes with me in the past few weeks. I'm so thankful that there are guys out there with the same talents as this kid who use their talents for his Glory so they can specifically reach this group of people, and seeing as how these are my kids, I am more than thankful for their willingness to serve in this way.

I'm also really thankful I didn't dart out the door and grab that latte this afternoon. This was soooo much sweeter.

No Greater Victory

Full Circle.

That's what I'd like to call the last six months of my life. After a year of searching, I got a job teaching in Brooklyn, then, six months later, I am again unemployed. That appears to be full circle.

Only it's not. You see, those six months taught me crucial and strong lessons, and rather than a full circle, I'd like to think of it as a great leap forward.

From about week four, things have been shady at my workplace. My kids were AMAZING, like, incredibly amazing, in ways I cannot describe. For their presence in my life I will be forever thankful. Each of them had something special to share with me, and there is not a single one I feel I could have done without. I will miss them daily, but I at least know I can continue to pray for them as they make their way to great things. And yes, they will do great things. I'd like to think that in the short time I was in their lives, I was a part of that.

Now, I won't go into great detail over the shadiness I witnessed, or the many injustices I feel me, my coworkers, and my children suffered through at the hands of big egos, but what I will say is that it has been a true test of faith. God has shown me how to 100% hand the reigns over to him. I would not have survived this long without his help.

I went to work each day coated in the armor described in Ephesians 6. Each morning, I woke up to spend time in the word. The worse things got, the earlier I woke up. Though I lived but a ten minute walk away, I awoke between 5:15 and 5:30 so I could soak up the necessary nourishment I needed to get through each challenging day. (I also consumed lots of coffee, but that's a different thing altogether).

Just today, I heard a pastor say "Sometimes Satan's greatest tool is to give us exactly what we want." That's exactly what happened with this job. It seemed so perfect I couldn't pass it up, knowing that deep down, I was being tugged the other way by the force that I usually am able to follow. But for some reason, I chose otherwise. I now put myself in a position of full on spiritual warfare. Not just minor battles, but flaming arrows as described in Ephesians. It was like the Hunger Games being waged in my soul. But armed with Christ, I pressed on.

It would appear that being "terminated" would be Satan winning. But oh how true is the contrary. I had been waiting for an out for a while, and praying that God would either give me the strength to leave, let me out, or help me regain my vision and purpose. Well, he did the last two. I regained my vision, and then was let go, and I've never felt better.

THAT, friends, is victory in Jesus. When you can lose a job, and be truly ecstatic about it. I immediately extended my trip home from one week to three. Hello Mardi Gras, and I left for Washington, DC two days earlier than planned, where I had a FANTASTIC time by the way.

I've had overwhelming support from concerned parents at the school, who also witness the injustices there and are glad I got out. They have reassured me that my time there was worth the impact it made, and that is all the comfort I need.

I've witnessed an LSU National Championship (among many other nail biting games). I've seen the Saints win the Superbowl after a never ending series of heartaches, but I now know what it's like to watch God outright win a raging spiritual battle, and man it feels SWEET! I cannot imagine a greater victory.

So it's been a while

I keep promising myself I'm going to update.

but honestly

i'm too tired.

I'm too tired because I work like, 70 hours a week.

but wait a second, I worked like, 70 hours a week when I had THREE jobs. This is just one...

I work a LOT. A lot a lot. I work to advance the minds of great 7th graders. My kids are classic. They're amazing in ways I cannot describe in words. I wake up every morning excited to see them.

These past five months have been extremely difficult, and I cannot go into too much detail here, but lets just say I've learned a LOT about what happens when you are not at peace with a decision, and how God, like any good father, picks you up when you've fallen and been broken simply because you didn't listen to him and heed his warnings.

My struggles are both externally visible, and deeply internal. I feel his molding and pressing through the pressure I've been exposed to. I've learned to lean on him in an entirely different way than ever before. This time it's not financial, but it's entirely spiritual.

The past few years have taught me a lot of things about change. Moving to a new city, even if it does feel like home, is challenging, but starting a new job in a scary and tough environment, wow, I had no idea what I was getting myself into....

I'm excited to see where God leads me next. I wish I had the time, energy, and stamina to detail the lessons he's been teaching me, but for now let me leave you with this:

Through our darkest struggles, he is there carrying us. He upholds us with his righteous right hand. He gives us fiery arrows to shoot at our enemies. He hears us when we call, and he seeks our desire for him.

I've stopped looking at my future and daydreaming about what MIGTH be there, and I've started living for the present, which makes each day valuable and exciting. Waking up each morning knowing that this is yet another day God is going to do amazing things makes that 5:30 am alarm worthwhile.

And with that, I ask you, please remind me to update more often :)

New Job, New Lifestyle, etc...

My God has been good to me. So so good.

His timing has yet again proved perfect. He provided for me an opportunity through a series of events I could not have planned, or executed, in any way shape or form.

You see, I searched tirelessly for a job as a teacher in this city, since long before I even made the official decision to move. They need teachers in New York, right? It's a big city, lots of kids, lots of needs.

Enter hiring freeze.

A few days after my official decision to move was made, the NYC Department of Education issued a freeze that has yet to be lifted. What this means, is that, for the past year, not only have I not been able to get a job through the normal outlets, but everyone else who wants to be a teacher in this city was competing for the coveted private and charter school spots. My limited experience and lack of a masters degree put me in the bottom of that pool.

I did not allow discouragement to enter my heart. Romans 8:28, pretty much my life verse, tells us that all things happen for the good of those who are called according to his purpose. Believing that, I coated the situation in prayer.

While I was still teaching at Worley, I had a revelation one night, that despite my many attempts to reason why I COULDN'T go into ministry full-time, God was calling me to do so, and he would provide the way.

Enter Graffiti.

I moved here for a church. Unlike most people who move here with friends, or for a job, or because they had nothing better to do, I quit my job and moved here for a church. I felt no doubt in that decision. I prayed through it significantly, and here I am.

So, because I prayed for it, God's supposed to provide the job part right?

WELL, He didn't.... or at least, not in the way I had expected him to, and because of his unique way of getting me through, I learned more about myself, and EVEN MORE about God and his beautiful ways.

I'm more thankful for the past year than I can express in any sort of words.

BECAUSE I was working so many different and inconsistent jobs, God had to provide for me in really unique ways. This enabled me to see his little miracles in a way that I cannot deny this was all a part of his plan (see previous blog posts for examples...).

BECAUSE I was not employed full-time at any one place, my time was flexible. This meant I had more ability to adjust my schedule to work with Graffiti.

BECAUSE I had time to work at Graffiti, I was able to be there for the youth through a major transition, which, I feel like, made things go a bit smoother than they might have otherwise.

BECAUSE I worked with Graffiti all year, as opposed to just last summer, God solidified a calling in me. I now know that through his power, and not my own, I can manage to be in full-time ministry, and have submitted myself to that life.

And now, after all of that, among many many other things, NOW I have the job teaching. He said, "My child, here is an opportunity, take it, use it to get yourself stable financially, prepare your life for a future in service, and learn more."

This job came to me after I had stopped looking. I decided that I was perfectly okay with the fulfillment of his provision as I had been for the last year, and I stopped going out of my way to search. I was assigned to this school ONCE last year, and several weeks later, they did a book fair at my Barnes and Noble. I met the principal again, she remembered me, and asked for my resume. (note how BOTH of my other jobs were necessary for this scenario to have occurred)

I lost her email address, waited almost two months to respond, expected I'd never hear from her (as I hadn't heard from a single principal I'd emailed all year), and didn't.

at first.

But then, several weeks later, she called me in for a last-minute demo lesson, which, thanks to my awesomely flexible job, I was given last-minute time off to prepare. Then, I didn't hear from her....

I resolved myself to all the reasons why this was probably not a part of God's plan for my life. The hours would be crazy, I wouldn't be able to spend nearly as much time at Graffiti, I wouldn't have time to spend with him, etc...

Then she called.

I received an offer I couldn't pass up. Not only that, it's in a neighborhood I've fallen in love with over the past several months, as I practically live there and go running there almost daily. It's walking distance from my apartment, which is also a plus. That said, it's the home to the largest public housing facility in the country, is notorious for it's gang life, and the poverty level is EXTREMELY high. They need the love of Jesus.

I'm really praying through the ways God can use this for his Glory, and I how I can be intentional about that, whether it be through my relationships with my co-workers, through how I best steward the income he's provided to prepare myself for a future in his service, etc... whatever it may be, his timing is PERFECT and beautiful and awe-inspiring.

He also, because of using such perfect timing, and overcoming my jaded attitude, has taught me about his timing in other parts of my life as well, and has removed a bit of my overly jaded attitude in one particular aspect of my livelihood.

"Thank you Lord, for all you do. You are so incredible and your detailed craftsmanship astounds me daily. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this grand adventure and beautiful story. You don't need me, but I certainly need you, and I feel privileged to be a part of it all. Your grace is amazing, and covers me in my weaknesses and doubts. Please don't ever let me doubt you, or your mercies, and keep my focus on your will. Holy holy holy are you Lord. Amen"

Back in the Groove

Yesterday I interviewed for another job, and basically, they didn't even ask any questions, they just offered it to me.  I quickly accepted.

It is seasonal work, but it could also lead to some tutoring positions in the near future.  I'll be working for a government-funded academic agency as a Field Representative.  What this means is that I'll be going to school fairs and expos and such trying to recruit clients for the company.  I get paid per fair, and per client.  They do free tutoring (but they pay the tutors), and so recruiting clients shouldn't be too difficult.  The lady I spoke with told me she would put me down as being interested in tutoring as well, so that when they start hiring on new tutors, I could possibly join that team.  

The cool thing about this job is that it gets my foot into the door at schools, literally.  I'll be interacting with teachers, parent coordinators, principals, etc...  That's a big deal.  Praise the Lord. 

Though that seems like it would be yesterday's biggest event, it was not.  The whole experience, including round-trip transportation and the interview, took less than an hour of my day.  What yesterday REALLY revolved around was the first day of this semester's Graffiti After School Program.  We've been waiting a long time for this to get going.  I cannot even explain how much I've missed seeing those kids each day.  

One of them came in very winded and threw her arms around each of us and said, "I was so excited, I ran up the stairs to see you guys, and I am out of breath."  That made my day. 

Things went very well.  They were all super hyper, but it was mostly because they were so excited to be there, which really made my heart happy :)  We got a couple of new kids, but most of them were back from last year.  We're going to be revolving all of our Bible studies and devotions this semester about what it means to be a disciple of Christ.  This goes for all programs.  My prayer is that the Lord can use us to speak to them and to help them grow, while we grow ourselves.  

Moving Right Along

Though the job-search is stressful and Sometimes overwhelming, things seem to be moving along.

I have been dropping off applications at every Starbucks and Barnes and Noble I come across. Though I know I cannot live on what they pay me alone, a low paycheck is better than no paycheck at this point.

Tomorrow, I have a meeting with a temp agent who seems like he is very excited to help me. He was recommended by a friend, who not only recommended him to me, he also recommended me to him. This is a plus. Temp agencies are becoming my friends.

Just a few minutes ago, I recieved an email that one of the tutoring agencies I applied with has reviewed my application and has invited me to interview. It's one of the lower-paying agencies, but tutoring is flexible, and flexibility is a big deal in my life. I will be interviewing with them on September first. Please be in prayer for that.

This time off has really been teaching me to fully rely on God. Without him, I am nothing, and I cannot imagine how stressed and worried I would be right now. My friends and family have been super encouraging. Thank you for that. I am overwhelmed by the encouragement messages and prayers. I cannot thank everyone enough. I am not worried about what is going to happen because I know God has it all planned perfectly. I am supposed to be in New York right now, and he is going to make sure the right job comes along in a way that will still allow me to work with Graffiti, which is really why I am here.

Thanks again for all of your prayers. Keep 'em coming!

Workin' hard for the money

Going back to work is very difficult when you know it's coming to an end, and your eye is on the prize.

My kids can tell I'm not focused, which makes it even worse.  They don't want to do anything, and frankly, neither do I.  With only four weeks left, we have a lot to cover, but they have reached the point where they feel like, with only four weeks left, we shouldn't cover anything. 

It's frustrating.  Very frustrating.  I've given up on discipline though.  At this point, detention only serves as a waste of my time.  Punishwork is never complete, and honestly, I don't really feel like failing 20 students simply because they refuse to participate.  I'm just gonna go in, present the work, if they do it, great, if not, that's their problem, and if they choose to learn, then we will learn.  It is that simple. 

I am going to do my best over the next four weekends to get the house clean and get my stuff packed and ready to go.  I have a lot of work to do around here to get ready to leave.  I need to organize and figure out what things are worth keeping, and among those things, which will move with me.  It's overwhelming, but I have to get it done.  When I stop and think about where they are going, my desire to get organized comes back, and I am more driven.  

Five weeks from today, at this very hour, I will be on a plane.  I'm gonna be a part of it. 

And so it is...

I'm pretty sure losing a student in the middle of LEAP testing is one of the crappiest things that could happen.

Last night I got a call that the rumor around Westwego was that one of our students, one of my beloved First Period kids, had collapsed at the mall and died.  This is the class I have the best relationship with.  I hoped it was just rumor, and when I got to school, the principal hadn't heard yet, so I assumed it was just that.  

Then, when I told the principal what had been said, she called the mother, and confirmed that he had, in fact, died last night.  I knew my first period would be distraught, and saw some of them walking around in a daze.  I was very upset, and had some counselors come to my room since I knew the first people in here would be his class.  We decided to cancel testing for the day, since none of these kids would be capable of taking a Reading Comprehension test today.  

It was hard to see some of my most "macho" kids watery eyed and unable to talk.  After sitting in silence for about half an hour, I finally put on a movie so we could try to break the tension.  They kids are now talking and trying to refocus.  I keep hearing them tell stories about "Buck," as they called him.  He currently as a 100% average in my class, and I've never once had a behavior problem with him.  As a matter of fact, if I had to rank the top five students who give me joy, I definitely would have put him on it.  He was truly a joy to teach.  I brag about him to other teachers all the time.  

It's been a rough day, and I don't quite know how it's going to affect our test scores, but for now, we're coping the best we can.  Please be in prayer for our school today. 

Testing Testing Testing

It's testing time, and in grand Worley fashion, this whole testing thing is EXTREMELY disorganized.  They want us to bring up their scores, but about ten minutes before we were supposed to start this morning, we realized we didn't have enough calculators for the students who were supposed to be using them during the test.

Due to such errors, along with kids not being in the right rooms, our test started over an hour and a half late, and now, it's one oclock, and my kids are still sitting in my room, watching a movie, and starving because we haven't taken them to lunch yet.  I've been giving them all the candy I have trying to keep them quiet and help them fulfill their hunger.  It is sad, very sad.  

Testing time is super boring, but it's pretty uneventful, and I have nothing stressful to do. No lessons to plan, no copies to make.  Just watch movies, color coloring sheets, and feed them lots of candy and popcorn.  Maybe once or twice we'll play a game. 

Anyway, I'm interested to see how this whole thing pans out, and after it's all done, it's Crescent City Classic time, as well as Easter with the family, and then NEW YORK.  Gosh I miss those people. 

Getting near to the end

After a few rough weeks, my confidence in my job choice is once again restored.  I think I'm going to be playing this roller-coaster game for a while.  They say the first couple of years are really tough, but I don't know that I'm supposed to doubt my career choice as often as I do.

These first few months are very difficult.  I'm gotten through the worst of it though, and now it should be downhill.  We have testing this week, and our kids have to bust it to help our school get up to its required performance score before going into corrective action.  They kids all seem to have given up, and we're all trying to be confident in an effort to make them want to try.  I think they can do it, I just don't think they believe in themselves.  It's a bit of a paradox. 

As far as coping with the day-to-day stresses, I've begun trying a variety of things to keep me sane.  My grandfather keeps reminding me that there's no such thing as the perfect job, and if there was, everyone would be doing it.  I have to keep that in the back of my mind when I am grading tests and they've all failed something I've gone over with them hundreds of times, or when I feel as though my classroom management skills will never be up to par.  There's no perfect job, so I have to do the best I can to excel at the one I have.  

I have also been making it a point to leave work in the walls of my classroom.  No more bringing it home every afternoon and over the weekend.  No more thinking about it day-in and day-out.  I often stay at school until five to make this possible, but when I drive out of that gate, my work for the day is done.  I can go to the gym/visit friends/eat dinner in peace.  I also make it a point to put away the computer before bed and watch an episode of Friends.  It's become a half-hour each night that I look forward to all the time.  

In college I made a habit of making Thursday nights MINE, no matter what I need to accomplish.  I've gotten back into that habit, only now I've got Jess in on it.  Each Thursday, we go out and enjoy each other's company, and we are not, under any circumstances, allowed to talk about my job.  

Things are looking up, and I'm enjoying my renewed optimism. 

So I obviously haven't done this in a while

In my last post, I talked about how much I loved my job.

I now have a different outlook.

It takes all of the willpower and faith that I have to get up and go to work every day. These kids truly don't care, and no matter how much care I pour into them, Im still ending the nine weeks grading period with more Fs than I could ever imagine. It's depressing, and it makes me feel that I am not doing my job right.

The thing is, I'm doing EVERYTHING I possibly can. I worry about how some of their grades have dropped so dramatically after the last nine weeks, and that I might be my fault, but I truly am doing all that I can do to get through to them. I have pulled out all the stops.

I don't like being responsible for 150 people all the time. It's exhausting. My blood pressure is through the roof, and my blood sugar is through the floor. I'm seriously exploring new career paths, including a new path to New York this summer.

This whole working at a low-income, underperforming school is not all happy Hillary Swank, Michelle Phiefer and roses. It's hard, and it's not about the teachers, at all. I need a new job. Today.

I'm Really Falling In Love With What I Do

Now that I'm establishing some routine, and I'm getting into preparing lessons and such, I am falling in love with this job.

The other day I was putting grades in the system while sitting at home watching TV, and I was remembering little things about each kid as I did it.  I realized that most of my children have at least ONE thing that I adore about them, even the ones that frustrate the heck out of me.  

Yes I have kids who have a zero average in my class even after a make-up day.  Yes I have kids who have yet to listen to a word I say, but I am doing the best I can in that respect.  I have some great ideas for lessons to come, and I'm looking forward to the next few months. 

The people I work with are fantastic and supportive, and I am blessed to be in such an environment.  

I've begun going for Uptown runs just about every afternoon.  In these runs, I get a chance to reflect on all of the wonderful things I've been handed.  I was born in the greatest city in America, and for that I am thankful.  I have the opportunity to go to to a new city this summer where I have a church that has changed my life.  I have a job that is both fulfilling and exciting.  

Really, it just doesn't get much better than this. 

This is why I read about Jesus

I've been making it a goal of mine to focus on being Jesus-like to my students.  I try to do this is all aspects of life, but its especially difficult when it comes to my students.

Since I usually am exhausted at night, and have trouble waking extra early in the morning, I really have to make it a conscious effort to read my Bible daily and see what lessons I can learn from Jesus, and isn't it amazing how I always can get something out of it... gee, what a concept!

I've been struggling lately with maintaining my passion for reaching out to the students who need it most.  I'm good with those who need help dealing with problems and just need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to, but its those kids who don't want to learn that I have the difficulty with.  I've gotten so spoiled with teaching the gifted kids, that I've been thinking about going that route for the rest of my career.  These kids who don't care are truly a challenge.  

Then I was reading this morning and came across the following verse:

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  I come not to call the righteous, but the sinners"

It once again opened my eyes to the passion I set out with when I chose that career.  It is not the smart kids who make 'A's who really need the help, it is those kids who are striving for someone to open their eyes without even realizing it.  

Thank you Jesus for words of wisdom, once again.

Hope

I am sitting in my  class watching the inauguration.

The whole school is watching I am in awe.  I don't remember watching the Bush inauguration, but I do remember Clinton.  Sadly though, Clinton was so long ago I don't have a strong memory of it. 

I love presidents.  In any way shape or form, whether I agree with them or not, i love to study presidents.  This particular one is growing on me more and more.  Something about him reminds me of Kennedy, and well, I love Kennedy. Always have.  

Okay, lots of things about him remind me of Kennedy.  

Maybe he'll suggest we go back to the moon...  I'd be in on that.  

I wish my kids cared as much as I did about what he has to say.  For now, I'm intrigued, and excited.  I can't wait to see what "change" there will be.  

High stress, much love

I have a highly stressful job.

It is a given in the education world.  It is a job that has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with everyone else.  

You are not only accountable to yourself, but you are accountable to your school, your system, your state, and most of all, your students. 

This creates a highly stressful situation.  If I screw up, I screw up for a whole lot of people. 

I'm learning how to get through to my students, but it is hard, and I have no idea how I'm going to get them through the rest of the curriculum by the end of the year at the rate at which they are learning.  

They don't pay attention, and sadly, the fact that those who pay attention aren't learning anything is almost out of my control.  

In the process of this stress, combined with last semester, I've lost a grand total of twenty-five pounds, and two pants sizes.  Not two DRESS sizes, two PANTS sizes (girls, you know the difference).  I don't see the gradual decrease changing either.  

This is a side effect of stress I'm okay with.  

Through all of this, I do love my job, despite the fact that I haven't gotten paid for any of it yet and am highly broke.  My kids, even the bad ones, bring me joy and a sense of accomplishment.  If all I get to do is make them smile, then I feel I've done something.  

I am starting to see the light in all of this craziness. 

So I'm Here, now what?

I am slightly less intimidated now that I am here.

There is not nearly as much that is demanded from me at this school in comparison to Westdale, and student-teaching. Things are much simpler.

Am I prepared for tomorrow? Absolutely not.

That said, apparently no teacher ever feels fully prepared, so I am not feeling so down about that.

I really have a whole lot to do today, including preparing a science lsson for TOMORROW. I was unable to do so yesterday since the teacher I am taking over for was not here and I have no idea where her students are in the curriculum. I spent all day getting history resources together, and have PLENTY do to for that class, but when it comes to science, I am at a loss. I have the Teacher's Edition of the book, and that is all.

Do I plan on being here ALL afternoon? Absolutely.

Everyone here is really nice, and they've all been super helpful in getting me prepared for what is to come this next semester. I am definitely nervous, but my fears are slightly calmed now that I have started getting things ready. My classroom still needs work, but I am broke so going to the Educator yesterday provided me with NOTHING on the budget I am working with until the first paycheck comes (which I think is not until next week).

I got to spend some time with Bethany yesterday, which was refreshing. I am looking forward to spending more time with her this semester. I miss my Baton Rouge friends, but now that I am realizing how many people I still have here, I am getting more excited about about being here than I already was. I already have plans for just about every night this week... and I thought I had no life in this city.

Big World, Here I come

The day has come.  I have a real job, and I start tomorrow.

Honestly, I'm not excited.  I thought I would be, but now that it's here, I'm not so sure this is what I want to do with my life, and now I'm kinda stuck, for at least a semester.  I'm trying to be optimistic.  I think it will be enlightening, and who knows, by the end of it I may fall in love like I did before I started student teaching.  For now, I am not ready, not at all.  

I think it's mostly because I feel unprepared.  I don't have a JPSB e-mail.  I don't have a solid schedule.  I don't know what classes I am going to be teaching on Wednesday.  No matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to write lesson plans because I haven't had any resources.  I don't even have a copy of the textbook, for either of the classes I am teaching.  

Then there's that whole thing about teaching science.  I don't do science.  I've been reading the curriculum and I'm not excited about it.  If I was going to teach something I wasn't certified in, I would hope it would be English or P.E. or Health, but 6th Grade Physical Science??!! Gosh!  It's a good thing physical science has always come easy to me, because I'm having to re-learn a good bit of basic information.  

I keep thinking that I'm going to show up tomorrow only for them to tell me that I don't have a job, since I haven't heard anything from them for a while.  I've signed the paperwork though, the job is mine, I've been there, seen the classroom, taken the drug test, etc...  It's my job.  

But what if I show up and they think I am too unprepared and they tell me it's not going to work and they make do with someone else?  I've got to stop doing this to myself.  

I'm listening to Tom Petty, singing "It'll all work out, eventually."  It never goes away, but it all works out.  Wisdom from the Elizabethtown soundtrack.  

I think I will be spending a good chunk of  the next month freaking out and crying and running around like a crazy person, and praying, praying hard, super hard.  I've got to focus.  It's a good thing I don't have a life in New Orleans, because if I did, I'd have to give it up, and we all know I'm not good at sacrificing socialization.  

I've been reading A Church Called Graffiti.  Chris and I found used copies of it in the basement of the strand last time I was in New York.  It's out of print, and we'd both been wanting to read it. I know anyone at that church would have gladly let me borrow a copy, but I wanted one of my own.  Mine is autographed.  Anyway, it made me miss my church, and the craziness that goes on there, and all of the ways I get to see God's hand in every situation there.  I'm working on seeing him in more situations here.  For now, I simply feel like I'm in the wrong city.  I know that's terrible, but I do.  

I LOVE New Orleans.  I truly do.  I can't imagine a more amazing place to have grown up.  Seriously.  I'm probably prouder of my hometown than anyone else who ever moves away from their home to explore new horizons.  I love it, and when I'm not here, I miss it, but I just feel like this is not where I'm supposed to be.  Temporarily, it is good, but I want to be in New York.  I feel more at peace there.  It's begun to feel like home.  I'm thankful for this opportunity to spend just a little bit more time in this city between college and real life, but I am still learning to appreciate being here.  

So, I'm praying, hard.  I hope in the next six months I manage to save up money like I plan to (I'm terrible at saving money).  I hope I find a job in the city where I feel most at home, and I hope the transition goes smoothly.  I'm praying that God will guide me through this job in Westwego without my insanity kicking in first.  I know he will, but it's hard.  I'm hoping to be a better planner, and to keep myself in a decent routine.  

Real world, I have arrived.  

Yay for an income!

I have a job.

A real, big girl job.

I am going to be teaching in Westwego next semester.  It should make for an interesting and exciting experience.  

Once again, God has provided in a time when I had a great need.  He's pretty good about that :)  

Though the Human Resources people couldn't tell me what grade level and subject I have, I know I am going to be in middle school social studies, so it should be lots of fun.  Isn't it amazing how things can all fall into place?  

So here I come world, one semester in Westwego, then it's off to New York, now that I know I will be able to set aside some cash for a move.  

Apparently, the Catholics Love Me

Turns out, BOTH of my job interviews were with Catholic schools.

Idiot me had a miscommunication with the Saint Charles people, and it was in fact, a St. Charles Catholic school. 

From what I heard in both interviews, the guy from the Archdiocese that I interviewed with thought I was AMAZING, and not only sent out my resume, but called each school to recommend me.  Both interviews went very well. Not to brag, but I'm pretty good at charming people in authority...  One of those talents I've always had...  

Problem.

Neither school has January openings, and I still haven't heard from any of the public schools I've applied with. So please be praying that something comes along in that area.  If not, I have decided to sub in Belle Chasse, because they are apparently desperate for substitute teachers.