Transitioning

The time frame I currently find myself in is a strange one.

Everything is sad.  Everything is a goodbye.  Everything is a last.  

Even packing up my classroom had an eerie sadness to it (not to mention that Brandi was pretty much depressed the whole time... that didn't help).  

I keep realizing that, when I go places and do things, it's the last time I'm doing them as a resident of Louisiana.  There's just something a bit depressing about that.  

Everything makes me nervous.  Everything scares me a little. 

Emailing people about apartments and getting responses has been more frightening than I expected.  It's a weird feeling having strangers email you and tell you they will see you on Saturday, and that you may potentially be LIVING with them.  

Realizing that I may not have a job teaching come August makes me a little nervous as well.  Not worried, just nervous.  There's a difference. 

At the end of the day, thankfully, the feeling that dominates all others is happiness, and excitement.  Though I have to remind myself often, I still know that what I am doing is what I've always wanted to do, and that I'm going to be a part of something bigger than I am.  

It makes my heart warm to know that I get to be in the city that stole my heart for good.  No more running off to it every time I get a break.  It is going to be home.  I'll miss my true home, sure, but when it comes down to it, I can't wait for what's to come.  

Workin' hard for the money

Going back to work is very difficult when you know it's coming to an end, and your eye is on the prize.

My kids can tell I'm not focused, which makes it even worse.  They don't want to do anything, and frankly, neither do I.  With only four weeks left, we have a lot to cover, but they have reached the point where they feel like, with only four weeks left, we shouldn't cover anything. 

It's frustrating.  Very frustrating.  I've given up on discipline though.  At this point, detention only serves as a waste of my time.  Punishwork is never complete, and honestly, I don't really feel like failing 20 students simply because they refuse to participate.  I'm just gonna go in, present the work, if they do it, great, if not, that's their problem, and if they choose to learn, then we will learn.  It is that simple. 

I am going to do my best over the next four weekends to get the house clean and get my stuff packed and ready to go.  I have a lot of work to do around here to get ready to leave.  I need to organize and figure out what things are worth keeping, and among those things, which will move with me.  It's overwhelming, but I have to get it done.  When I stop and think about where they are going, my desire to get organized comes back, and I am more driven.  

Five weeks from today, at this very hour, I will be on a plane.  I'm gonna be a part of it. 

I'll Be Back...

I love how God works sometimes.

I've been needing a pick-me-up, and a reminder of why I'm moving to New York.  A trip up there was the perfect way to do this, and boy oh boy did it change my plans.

Drastically. 

I've been trying to work out the details of my big move in my head, and the closer it got, the scarier it got.  When I landed at JFK, I was exhausted from having stayed up all night, then I had to fight the MTA as always to get to Ruth's to drop off my things.  I tend to doubt my desire to move to the city every time I get on the trains for the first time...  

As the day went on though, my exhausted delirious self began to change my opinion.  I had some quality time with Ruth, which I haven't had in a long time, and we got to talk about the joys of teaching.  Then I went into the city to show up at church, only to find out that no one was at church for the day.  I called Chris to come hang out with me, and while I waited on him, I sat in Thomkins Square Park, and it all started to come back to me.  The flowers were preparing to bloom, something I've never witnessed.  My first exposure to this park was in the middle of winter when there was NO vegetation, much less beautiful flowers. 

I had dinner with Chelsea, but by that point I could barely function.  I slept 12 hours that night...  

THEN the week really got started.  We found out that all of the Graffiti summer missionaries fell through.  This broke my heart.  We jokingly discussed the idea of having me come up for the summer, but I didn't think anything of it. 

The next day, I was waiting on the subway by myself, and admiring the people (if ever you ask me what is a must-do in the city, I will tell you people watching).  Suddenly, the wheels started turning (thank's God, I love how he does this!).  What if I saved every dime for the next month, and funded myself as a summer missionary!  No, that's not possible, right?  

Not only that, but that's only SIX WEEKS away, and I don't know that I'm ready to leave yet.... right??  

These thoughts stuck with me throughout the day, and for some reason, I kept thinking maybe God was telling me something.  I prayed about it a lot over the next couple of days, and what do you know, I started to feel comfortable with it.  So comfortable in fact that I couldn't imagine going back home and NOT coming back in a matter of weeks.  

So after much prayer, and consideration, I am now OFFICIALLY moving at the end of May.  Scary, yes.  Awesome and exciting, yes too.  

My flights kept getting cancelled before I ever even left for the airport, and I got an extra day in the city as a result.  A full 28 hours actually, which meant I got to stay for two days of after-school.  It was sooo worth it.  I may have missed a little bit more work than I would have liked, but God works in the most beautiful ways, and it even provided the opportunity for me to run into one of my favorite families at the airport before I left.  

Please keep praying that I will have the discipline to save my money, and that the doors will continue to open.  Please also pray for wisdom and guidance as I take this next step.  

Big World, Here I come

The day has come.  I have a real job, and I start tomorrow.

Honestly, I'm not excited.  I thought I would be, but now that it's here, I'm not so sure this is what I want to do with my life, and now I'm kinda stuck, for at least a semester.  I'm trying to be optimistic.  I think it will be enlightening, and who knows, by the end of it I may fall in love like I did before I started student teaching.  For now, I am not ready, not at all.  

I think it's mostly because I feel unprepared.  I don't have a JPSB e-mail.  I don't have a solid schedule.  I don't know what classes I am going to be teaching on Wednesday.  No matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to write lesson plans because I haven't had any resources.  I don't even have a copy of the textbook, for either of the classes I am teaching.  

Then there's that whole thing about teaching science.  I don't do science.  I've been reading the curriculum and I'm not excited about it.  If I was going to teach something I wasn't certified in, I would hope it would be English or P.E. or Health, but 6th Grade Physical Science??!! Gosh!  It's a good thing physical science has always come easy to me, because I'm having to re-learn a good bit of basic information.  

I keep thinking that I'm going to show up tomorrow only for them to tell me that I don't have a job, since I haven't heard anything from them for a while.  I've signed the paperwork though, the job is mine, I've been there, seen the classroom, taken the drug test, etc...  It's my job.  

But what if I show up and they think I am too unprepared and they tell me it's not going to work and they make do with someone else?  I've got to stop doing this to myself.  

I'm listening to Tom Petty, singing "It'll all work out, eventually."  It never goes away, but it all works out.  Wisdom from the Elizabethtown soundtrack.  

I think I will be spending a good chunk of  the next month freaking out and crying and running around like a crazy person, and praying, praying hard, super hard.  I've got to focus.  It's a good thing I don't have a life in New Orleans, because if I did, I'd have to give it up, and we all know I'm not good at sacrificing socialization.  

I've been reading A Church Called Graffiti.  Chris and I found used copies of it in the basement of the strand last time I was in New York.  It's out of print, and we'd both been wanting to read it. I know anyone at that church would have gladly let me borrow a copy, but I wanted one of my own.  Mine is autographed.  Anyway, it made me miss my church, and the craziness that goes on there, and all of the ways I get to see God's hand in every situation there.  I'm working on seeing him in more situations here.  For now, I simply feel like I'm in the wrong city.  I know that's terrible, but I do.  

I LOVE New Orleans.  I truly do.  I can't imagine a more amazing place to have grown up.  Seriously.  I'm probably prouder of my hometown than anyone else who ever moves away from their home to explore new horizons.  I love it, and when I'm not here, I miss it, but I just feel like this is not where I'm supposed to be.  Temporarily, it is good, but I want to be in New York.  I feel more at peace there.  It's begun to feel like home.  I'm thankful for this opportunity to spend just a little bit more time in this city between college and real life, but I am still learning to appreciate being here.  

So, I'm praying, hard.  I hope in the next six months I manage to save up money like I plan to (I'm terrible at saving money).  I hope I find a job in the city where I feel most at home, and I hope the transition goes smoothly.  I'm praying that God will guide me through this job in Westwego without my insanity kicking in first.  I know he will, but it's hard.  I'm hoping to be a better planner, and to keep myself in a decent routine.  

Real world, I have arrived.  

New Year, New Job, Etc...

2009 is upon us, and I can't seem to grasp the concept that this truly is going to be a NEW year for me.  I am starting a new phase and I have decisions to make and major changes to deal with.

In four days I will start my new job, and I am not so sure I am ready.  Readiness aside though, I am excited.  I needed change, badly, and this is going to be a big one.  

Getting a real paycheck is not so bad either.  

The last few days I've been in Atlanta enjoying my last LSU football experience as a "student." The circumstances of this trip have lead us to having a rough time.  Nonetheless, my Tigers won (finally), and by A LOT.  The good times have been quite good.  But we had some major kinks getting here and it's kinda thrown off the whole atmosphere. 

About thirty miles west of Atlanta, we got into a bit of an accident.  Okay, a big accident.  Cole rear ended Sarah's car on the interstate because all of the cars on said interstate decided to come to a complete stop at the bottom of a hill where three lanes merged to two. 

It was not a pretty sight. 

We are now in two different cars than we came to Atlanta in, and praying we make it home without any trouble.  Talk about going out with a bang!  I've been on about 15 football trips, and NEVER have we had any accidents.  Flat tires, yes, but major accidents, no.  Thankfully no one was really injured, though Kayleigh and I both have nice bruises :)  

Now What?

Five years and a couple of months after the LSU-Georgia game of 2003, I walked across a stage in the Pete Maravich Assembly Center and received a degree, or at least a diploma cover (they give you the actually diploma after the ceremony).

I kept thinking of that football game, and how, when I made that decision, right there on the 40 yard line, to become a Tiger, I never imagined how fast it would go by.  I don't think I ever actually pictured the end ever getting here.  

I had a good bit of fun, and now, that part of my life is over.  It still hasn't completely sunken in yet.  It's strange to think that next time I go to Baton Rouge, it will be to pick up my things and leave forever.  I still feel like as soon as the Christmas season is over, and upon return from the Atlanta trip, I will be going back to the normal routine I have grown accustomed to.

But I won't. 

In two weeks, I will have a classroom of my own, and responsibilities I cannot yet imagine.  

Okay, I'll be honest, I'm not really sure I want to imagine them. 

It's also strange that right now, I don't really have any responsibility. I woke up this morning, finished It Never Rains in Tiger Stadium, a book in which John Ed Bradley talks of emotions and uncertainties I am all too familiar with right now (except the whole football thing).  I then watched a little television, and finally left the house to fight Westbank traffic and run an errand for my mom.  I ended up at Starbucks.  After all, where else does one go when one has no responsibility.  I am finished Christmas shopping, and truly cannot afford to do any other shopping since I have no more income until that first pay check comes through next month. So I sit, and wait, and read.  Lots of reading.  I've got lots of catching up to do.  Out of fear of spending this money I do not have, I have banned myself from visiting the Sports, Biography, History, Children's, and Local sections of Barnes and Noble.  

This basically leaves self-help and fiction, which are not worth fighting crowds to explore.  This is not to say there aren't other sections at the BN, but those are the only other two I might possibly buy from, and frankly, I just don't feel like getting out to look through them.  

Call me a hermit.  

I will have no life this semester, which is probably a good thing, considering I have three different preps (meaning, I have to write and prepare lessons for three different classes). January 5th seems eerily closer than I would like for it to be.  I once was very excited about teaching, but I'm not so sure anymore.  

I want to write, I've always wanted to write, and eventually I will.  Now that I'm about to begin my career, I am more and more certain that I want to write, eventually to the point where I don't have to have a teaching career anymore.  

How certain am I though?  That's the scary part...  

So for now, I'm going with the career which fits my degree, and I will later go back and get more degrees, because lets face it, I love school and learning.   Once I have gotten into the swing of things, I fully intend to do part time school and keep this whole education thing going. 

Until then, I guess I will have to see if I fall back in love with teaching once I have a classroom of my own.  

So yeah, I've graduated, and I am fully in quarter-life crisis mode. 

Upcoming Adventure

I am two days away from being finished with school forever (well, until grad school at least).  This is a little scary but quite exciting.

I will check out on Wednesday, and in grand Danielle fashion, I am flying to New York Wednesday night.  I am hoping not to have to run off to NY all the time after this summer, because I will already be there :)  

I have been so busy it really doesn't feel like I'm going on a trip, but I am super excited about it as it is approaching.  Now I only have to get started on that packing (see below...) and find out where I'm going to get enough spending money.  

The weather report predicts lots of snow in Connecticut, where I will be on Thursday through Saturday.  Snow is something new and interesting for me, so I am super excited!  The Laws have warned me that there will be lots and lots of it...  

I am also, of course, thrilled to be going to see my Graffiti family.  I miss them like crazy.  I can't wait to be around them all the time.  I am staying with Ashley in my old MNYBA apartment, so that will be lots of fun too!  

I really am going to be sad to leave my kiddos, but I am ready for the next adventure. 

"Welcome to the real world," she said to me, condescendingly

I have two job interviews tomorrow.

That's right, two.

I also got a call from a school in LaPlace that wants me to teach Reading, but that's going to probably be a no.  

So yes, this whole "real world" thing is starting to hit me.  I feel completely unprepared for what is to come. I am also facing the fact that I will have to decide between multiple options should a job offer actually arise.  I got three calls in two hours, so I am pretty sure that they can't be all that I will hear from.  

So, lets just say my interview with St. Cletus goes well and they offer me a job.  GREAT.  Working right down the street, what could be more convenient?  But the thing is, they don't pay very well, being a Catholic school and all.  What happens if I accept their offer, then two days later get a call from Jefferson Parish or Plaquemines Parish and THEY want to interview me and offer me a job.  What then?  Both of them pay about 10,000 dollars more per year than St. Cletus.  That's A LOT of money to turn down, especially when I am trying to save up to move to NYC.  

So yeah, please be in prayer as I face these sorts of decisions.  This is the real world, and it's scary and big and exciting and fun all at the same time.  

This is it

Tonight is my last night in the city.

I am trying not to be sad about this. I don't think it's fully hit me yet though.

Rather than looking at all of the things I'll miss, I'm trying to look at all of the things I am looking forward to upon my return to Louisiana. I get to see the family, I get to see the friends, I get to drive (!!!!!!), and I get to reunite with the great city that made me who I am.

Today was a sad day because I went to Graffiti for the last time. I didn't do much of anything but sit around and put off leaving. Theresa left without realizing that we never got to say goodbye, so I was pretty sad about that, but we had a nice over-the-phone goodbye. As Taylor kept saying, it's not goodbye, I'll be back in December.

I went to Carnegie Deli with the mission team. Surprisingly this is only the second time I've gone since I've been here, but it was definitely a nice way to say goodbye to the city. I then went to 34th street- which has become my place to go when I get bored or sad.

Now, I must pack....

Three days to go

Today I had to say goodbye to Ema, who is going to Texas tommorrow and won't be back until three hours after I leave Friday. It was a sad time.

I am definitely seeing God's work in this transition though. He's been making the goodbyes a little easier, and comforting me in knowing that I will see all of these people again. I don't think it's hitting me, and I hope it doesn't. I knew this day was coming, and now that it's here, I'm adjusted to that.

It's going to be great to be home and to see everyone. There are many friends that I will not see for a few weeks, but I will get to see most of them next week, and as for my family, well, we have have big plans to hang out this weekend (and I FINALLY get to meet Clayton!). I am very much looking forward to this, along with some jambalaya and the sounds of the Big Easy.

Living in New York has been a grand experience, and there are a thousand little things I will miss, but I'm starting to see that this applies to anywhere you go. I'll always be thinking of things I miss about the last place I lived, so why not enjoy them while you can, and cherish the fact that you had them.

As time winds down

I'm leaving the city a week from tommorrow.

Part of me is excited. I get to see my friends and family. I get some jambalaya. I get to hang out in New Orleans.

The other part realizes that leaving the city is not just for a week or two, but it is for good. I will be back in December, but just for a week, and after that, who knows when is the next time I can come visit this place.

I'm not so much sad about leaving the city as I am about leaving the poeple, many of which I won't see again after this Saturday when they leave for youth camp. I've shared some of my greatest lifetime experiences with these people, and the thought of not seeing them again for an indefinite period of time is pretty rough.

I guess I'll just have to get a driveable car so I can make road trips to visit them in their various home states.

It's strange to think about leaving here so soon. The goodbyes have started to roll in already, as some people have told me that they are not going to be here on Sunday and I've had to say goodbye ahead of time. I think leaving church this Sunday is going to be the toughest part. Graffiti has become such a part of my life that it's going to be very difficult to say goodbye and become just another summer missionary who came and went.

I am looking forward to driving again. The subways are okay, but it's so much nicer to be behind the wheel.