"Disenfranchised Grief": Mourning the Loss of the Things You Never Had

Today I read what is quite possibly the best explanation of what it feels like to be single and Christian that I've ever read. It was one of the first times I've heard SOMEONE ELSE voice some of the things I feel GUILTY for feeling. I highly encourage you to read it before reading what is, in essence, my response to it. Check it out here.

I won't echo her post by going on about how the church unintentionally puts married life on a pedestal and makes the rest of us feel like aliens, but I will note how much I resonated with one of the comments on that concept. There are tons and tons of sermons and messages about marriage and family out there. There are not NEARLY, not by a long shot, as many about being single. So everyone's like "Don't be discouraged though, I mean, you can find ways to apply anything to your own life, and it never hurts to learn more about marriage if you someday hope to have one." You're right. I do listen to plenty of these messages and gain a lot from them. I also listen to many of them and cry because it makes me want to be married more than ever. One of the comments on this post essentially said that, married people and pastors tell us that all the time, so let's flip the tables. How about we start having churches focus their sermons on what it's like to be SINGLE. Lets start bombarding our bookstores with books on being a single Christian, with very few resources for marriages.... and then tell them "It's okay, you can find a way to apply it to your life." Not so easy huh?

Anyway, that's not the point of my post. The title of this post is "Disenfranchised Grief" because I feel like those words FINALLY summed up the feelign I've been trying to express to my friends for YEARS.

Very often when I'm having one of my truly horrific lonely days, I express to my friends that I feel like my husband has died. That sounds extreme, for sure, but that's exactly how it feels. The kids I've never had, I mourn them. I see other people have kids and I grieve. I am no less happy for my friends that they have children, but for myself, I feel like my dreams have been stabbed in the heart. Every time a friend of mine posts a picture that says "Date Night," I cry over the dates I've never had (considering I've NEVER once been on a real date, ever).

Then, I feel guilty for feeling this way. Because I'm told I should be hopeful. I'm told I should be so happy for the "freedom" I have. On that note: NO ONE WHO KNOWS ME WILL LOOK AT MY LIFE AND THINK I'M NOT ENJOYING IT. When it comes to finding silver linings and squeezing out every ounce of living that life has to offer, I'm your authority. But that doesn't make the pain of not having the one thing I've prayed for and asked for since I was a kid go away.

Everyone says to simply look at the blessings you have and be thankful for those, because why dwell on what we DON'T have. You're right, and trust me, as noted above, I AM thankful for every single blessing I have, but I've asked for ONE THING, repeatedly, for years upon years, and I'm getting everything BUT that, and I have ZERO control over that, and it's not okay. It's like, at Christmas, when year after year I ask for Saints tickets, and I'm given a bazillion other awesome things that aren't Saints tickets, and I'm never disappointed, and I always feel like I've had a great Christmas, but just one year it'd be nice if I actually got Saints tickets - and I'd be willing to trade in all of the other things I might have gotten instead. Except, it's so much bigger than football tickets, obviously.

I'd trade so so so so so so so so so many of the blessings I have to have a family of my own. Each year that passes is one  year I get closer to it being impossible for me to have that family. And that scares the mess out of me.

I've made the comparison before to the barren woman. I've had many people try to tell me that's not the same, but then no one can really articulate WHY. Because it IS the same. I am just as unable to have kids as any of my friends who can't. I've had several friends have miscarriages in the last few years. That is a truly painful experience. They're mourning the baby they never had.  But when trying to comfort a woman who's dealing with infertility or miscarriage, would you ever say to them "Oh, it's okay, you're young, there's still plenty of time to have kids"? or "Maybe God wants you to focus on him right now instead of a baby"? or to the woman who's been trying to get pregnant for several years "It's okay, it'll happen one day. All in God's timing"?

If you would, you are insenseitive, and you should stop trying to comfort people because you're bad at it.

So why do people feel like it's okay to say that to single people? Every time someone says to me "Stop worrying about getting married, you're young, you have plenty of time." I want to punch that person and let them know that YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME!!!!! AT ALL!!! SO STOP!! 

In the comments of the blog someone made the following comparison: "It's like telling someone who hasn't eaten in a week 'It's okay, your body can go six weeks without food.  You have plenty of time to eat before your chances die out'" while they sit in front of you with five pounds of crawfish, potatoes, corn, and a Purple Haze (okay, the exact food they compared it to was different.... but you get the point).

Also, people don't tell women who haven't been able to get pregnant for years that they will someday have a baby because THEY DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE. It's dangerous to set such expectations on something both you and they have no control over. Same thing with being single. I've never ever had a boyfriend in 27 years. I've barely even skimmed the surface of coming close to it happening. Time and time again I watch as I meet new great guys and they somehow immediately check off the "Friend only" box and leave me there. I've had guys who were in every way shape and form perfect for me, even one in particular who I just KNEW was actually interested and we had everything in the world going for us and this was most-definiely-certainly-going-to-turn-into-something-no-doubt-100%-yes, and everyone agreed and then. it. never. happened. THEREFORE I have ZERO evidence that this will ever change. So don't be confused when I run into a corner and cry after you tell me "He's out there somewhere." Because maybe he's not.

So bear with me when I mourn these things. When I meet a little girl whose name is that of one I'd planned to name one of my kids and I cry the same way a mother who lost a child with that name would cry becuase I don't have MY little girl in my arms (or when a close friend or family memeber actually names their child the name you've always dreamed of and you realize it is now off the table). When I see a little boy in a Saints jersey and I have a breakdown, because I don't have the little boy I just knew I'd have by now. When I see people holding hands walking down the street and I mourn the hand that I've never gotten to hold. When another guy friend gets engaged, and even if I was never interested in him as a husband I question, "Why didn't he ever consider me?"

Bear with me when I ask you over and over "What am I missing?" "What am I doing wrong?" "How did I screw this up?" because I cannot fathom any reason why I've never ever had my affections for someone reciprocated, but there must be something. Some grand secret someone's not telling me. Bear
with me when I start crying because you're telling me just how "incredible" and "beautiful" and "smart" and "fun" and "such a prize for any guy out there" I am because that's NOT helping the fact that THEY aren't seeing it. And especially bear with me when I get upset because you tell me I've just got so much going on that it "intimidates" guys, because that's a bunch of BS.

It is soooooooooooo incredibly frustrating that the struggles of single people are seen as petty. That they are seen as a problem to be remedied. That the church avoids addressing them because frankly, it's just too hard.  It's so frustrating that almost every book about being single is written by a married person, or that every sermon preached aobut singleness is preached by a married man - because so few churches are hiring unmarried pastors. It's frustrating that I've actually had people tell me "You know, maybe you're dwelling on this too much, and honestly, I'm kinda tired of hearing it from you," when you know good and well that you would never tell someone who was grieving an actual physical death or loss that they were "dwelling on it too much." It is a loss. A painful one, and one that may never have an ending or resolution.

I'm not writing this to get a pity party. Because I'm a pretty happy person, with a pretty awesome life. I'm writing this because I read this post, and, it was one of the first times I've felt truly VALIDATED for feeling GRIEF, and not felt guilty for it. Her next post is about validating feelings, and I highly encourage you to read that.

On that note, I'm going to try to get some work done and then start reading her book, which I totally downloaded right after reading that post.

In Offense of Defense: Me being a walking oxymoron

Leaving my thoughts and opinions on one side or the other of this "Chick Fil A controversy" out, I have had the following thoughts in the last few weeks, as I've watched yet another culture war play out. I have had more thoughts, but in an effort to not negate the point I am actually making here, I'm going to leave those opinions somewhere else.

Consider the above paragraph the last thing you'll hear me say about Chick Fil A.

What I saw today was a group of people who shared a common belief rallying together by the millions to support that belief.  I was incredibly encouraged by this, yet dishearteningly discouraged by it all at the same time.

You see, often times we hide ourselves behind a mask of societal culture wars without even realizing this is what we are doing. I am as guilty of this as anyone else. Trust me.  I have a degree in political science, am about to enter a career in social justice, and I deliberately surround myself with people from a variety of backgrounds so as to broaden my opinions and see things from all points of view.  When it comes to engaging in culture wars, I could be your commander in chief.

It is this most recent culture war though, that God has used to convict me on this issue.  You see, I am people pleaser.  I enjoy seeing everyone happy.  I like for everyone to win. I also get a huge kick out of playing Devil's Advocate, and it is not out of the realm of possibility that, should I ever get this first round of grad school loans paid off so I can afford MORE school, I could eventually become a lawyer.  I enjoy engaging in dialogue. I revel in making a point. Obviously.

What I realized though, is often times, we become so focused on beating dead horses that we end up losing sight of our original motives (again, guilty as charged).  Particularly as Christians. We run the risk of crossing over from the point of "I love you and I want the best for you and everyone else," to "IN YOUR FACE, in the name of Jesus." It's a fine line, and it's easily blurred, but if we get so caught up on making points, it is sooooo easy to forget why we were making those points in the first place.

This week, instead of replying to posts on Facebook, various blogs, or newspaper articles on the fly, I've begun a new exercise in self-control.  I'm not saying this is something everyone should do, I'm just candidly expressing to you what I've learned through this latest round of "Who's Intolerant: Me or You?".  Prior to pressing the "post" button, or "send," or whatever, I've thought through my motives for saying what I want to say.  Is what I have to say going to resolve anything?  Am I going to open the eyes of someone else to a point of view they maybe haven't thought of, and if so, why?  Am I seeking self-glorification or am I trying to glorify the Lord?

Then, the most important question of all: Is what I'm saying going to harm my ability to share the love of Jesus with anyone else in the present or future?

This is not to say I haven't haphazardly posted something for the sake of good dialogue.  Again, there's nothing wrong with a good discussion on a topic, so long as both sides are willing to hear each other out. The ability to debate is crucial to our ability to function as a society.  It's key to getting things done.

My point is, we need to make sure that what we debate has value, and that if it doesn't have value, that what we say is in no way going to be a detriment to something that does.

Today millions of people across the country united for a common cause, and while I do feel this cause has value on both sides, it led me to question why we aren't doing this more. What's our REAL reason for placing one cause above another?  Is it because perhaps this particular cause benefits us personally in some way and perhaps something else might not?

I don't know. I don't have the answers to this, but it's an observation.

Jesus taught us to be radical.  I get that. I'm all for that.  My question is: What are we being radical ABOUT?

Where's our passion over the thousands of kids in this world who have no homes, while thousands of families cry and plead to have children but are facing barriers in doing so?

Where's our passion over the educational injustices of society? Where's our love for people who are working hard for their families, sometimes doing multiple jobs, but still do not make enough money to support them?

PLEASE, by all means, be passionate. Be radical. We've now PROVED by the millions who sat in long lines to eat chicken and drink lemonade today, that we know HOW to be passionate about something, so go and do it where it counts the most. No excuses.

"Have you been thinking all along that we have been defending ourselves to you? It is in the sight of God that we have been speaking in Christ, and all for your upbuilding, beloved.  For I fear that perhaps when I come I may find you not as I wish, and that you may find me not as you wish -- that perhaps there may be quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder" - 2 Corinthians 12:19-20, ESV

(and yes, I recognize the inherent hypocrisy in saying "here's my radical view on why we should or shouldn't have radical views" but bear with me, there's really no other way to make say it)

Picking and Choosing

I have so much to say on this topic that I should probably outline it so I don't end up going off on some rant, but since I don't like outlines, and I like to write what I think, you'll have to bear with my ranting so that I can get through what I have to say.

I just finished a book on God an the American Government entitled The American Gospel. It discusses the many facets of forming our country, and maintaining its principles, and how God comes into that. I've been bombarded lately with thoughts around this topic, and perhaps it's due to the impending Presidential election, or perhaps it's because God has some message to send me through it, nonetheless, I have begun to really God and the government more than ever (which says a lot, because as Christian with a political science degree, believe me, I've done a LOT of examining).

First of all, let's get this straight right away, THIS IS NOT A COUNTRY FOUNDED ON CHRISTIAN VALUES, there I said it, despite what every preacher in Texas ever told you, that is stretching the truth beyond all stretching. If this was a country founded on Christian values, our native population would be a WHOLE lot more than 1% of our current population, because we never would have taken land that wasn't ours and forced those who it belonged to to leave simply in the name of dignity. If this was a nation founded on Christian values, various denominations and groups at the founding of our nation would not have had to run from their communities and start new colonies for the specific purpose of having a place where they could worship God freely (Roger Williams, the Quakers....). As a matter of fact, Im pretty convinced that if this nation was founded on Christian values, it would be comprised of no more than the land that currently occupies Massachusetts and perhaps Southern New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, and maybe a few parts of upstate NY.

Now, allow me to move forward with this concept.

First of all, the "Separation of Church and state" thing, I'm all for that. Allowing churches to have a say in the government opens the door for the government to have a say in the church. no. thank. you. no sir. This idea was originally placed in our government for the purpose of PROTECTING the church, not to disregard it. Somewhere along the way we've twisted it to make it look like we have this big, bad, evil, pagan government who hates Jesus. This is simply not the case, but if we keep painting that picture, it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Pretty sure the government will start to hate us (well, those who haven't already), because, let's face it, we make them feel like we hate them.

And who should feel like they're hated by Christians?

no one.

no

one

at

all

but THAT'S the message we send. Don't look like us, don't act like us, and we hate you. You disagree with us, we hate you.

Woah now. WHAT THE HECK????????? Seriously? Jesus DIED FOR US. we did NOTHING. He owes us NOTHING, and yet, we condemn people for acting different? how is their sin any different than yours?

OKAY, there was one of those rants I was talking about. But do you see what I mean?

back on track. government. politics. jesus.

So my big issue is this:

Why does the conservative right feel the need to use this wonderful all-powerful loving God of ours to push their agenda? It's like, we pick certain issues, mostly social issues, that we feel are morally "wrong," and choose to vote and align ourselves with a certain political party SPECIFIALLY because of those beliefs. Are you kidding me?

So why is it okay to pick and choose? I'm not perfect, and I'm no Bible scholar, but didn't God call use to help the poor?

"He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing." Deuteronomy 10:18

"If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother." Deuteronomy 15:7

"I know that the LORD secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy." Proverbs 13:23

"If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered." Proverbs 21:13

"Jesus answered, If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'" Matthew 19:21

"'Why wasn't this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year's wages.' He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it." John 12:5

I just selected a few. I could have chosen many more, but did I misread any of that? Like, God says that NOTHING we have is ours, so why do we insist upon saying that we don't want to share it around?

Someone recently told me that they understood the idea of sharing with the poor, but they didn't feel like it's the government's business to tell them that they have to. I GET THAT. I really do, but this same person has ardently argued that the government should ban abortions. I'm okay with that too (I'll get to that in a second), but you can't say the government can control one thing we're commanded to do but not another. I mean, seems like kind of a double standard to me. Just a thought.

And let's put this in perspective, if you want to ban abortion at the government level you do realize you're going to HAVE TO begin supporting social programs for the needy, right? because we're gonna have to do a LOT of education to prevent unwanted pregnancies, then, when women DO get pregnant, we're going to have to be willing to support them emotionally and perhaps even financially. We're going to have to be willing to adopt the unwanted children, and guide those who are not guided because they are unwanted by their parents. We're going to have to be willing to step up to the plate. Let's face it, we're not going to stop people from having sex just because "they should know better if they don't want to get pregnant." This is 2012, sex is everywhere, people do things they aren't supposed to do or should probably not do given their current circumstances ALL THE TIME. You're telling me you've never done something you probably shouldn't have and then had to face the consequences?

LETS LOVE THESE PEOPLE.

WE ARE NOT PERFECT. Not a single one of us. That's the beauty of the church. It's full of crazy jacked-up people who need to be restored and who need to see our purpose as living for the glory of God and not the glory of man. We should be WELCOMING people.

As far as welfare goes, I'm in no way advocating for enabling people to not work and to not lead productive lives and discover their gifts by giving them free money and checks all the time. I believe it is our duty to help people to see their gifts and to use them to enhance the overall society. This is the key to preventing violence and creating harmony, as we should all do what we were created to do.

My friend put it best today i a long text conversation she and I had:

" As a Christian, all you do is take what you didn't work for. jesus paid your debt on the cross, which is an infinitely bigger handout than food stamps. Also, the church is called to provide for the poor. Should they reject our help, because they need to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps in order to have dignity? The American dream is sending countless people to hell who demand to be self-made men. We can debate 24/7 about whether generosity is something that should be compelled through laws."

So, God never drew a line and said "I'm sorry, my grace stops here, once you've past that, I can't deal with you anymore." He didn't judge us. Who am I to say where grace stops? Who am I to judge others? When God says help the needy, help the poor WHO AM I TO JUDGE WHAT THAT MEANS?????????? Like, let's be real about this. There are circumstances I don't know or understand that prevent people from having the blessings that I have, and God is the only being with the authority to judge who gets those blessings and when and how and why. NOTHING I own is mine. Nothing. So if we're operating on Biblical principals, if God says give, I give. If God says save, I save.

I do not have the financial resources to help in the ways I'd like to. As a matter of fact, I'm often dependent on others to help me (I live in someone's living room for crying out loud) BUT, part of the reason I do not have those financial resources is because I've been given a calling that utilizes my gifts in a different way, that can have just as much of an impact as money. If I wanted to gain wealth, I could. I'm an intelligent person. I'm just as capable of having one of those wall street jobs, being a lawyer, whatever the case, as anyone who's doing them. And I love those people, I see nothing wrong with ANY of those careers. Let's get that straight. I just know that my calling is to feed the emotional needs of kids, which means I cannot feed my, or their, pockets.

That's a little off topic, but lets just say, the point of the argument is we can't pick and choose what parts of the government we want to be faith based. If we want a faith based government, we have to be willing to allow our leaders to decide when and who to help financially as well, and be willing to give when they say give. That's just the way it is. I"m not advocating FOR a faith-based government (I already went over that reasoning), I'm just saying it's something to consider.

Let's not confuse politics and Jesus. They do interact, but they are not one in the same.

Rant over...

for now.

What do you Mourn?

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"- Matthew 5:4

Today at our fellowship meal, there was a cinnamon stick in my plate, which apparently meant I'd won a prize (It's Graffiti, we do things a little differently). I got to pick from a stack of books, and I chose a thin Bible study guide to the Sermon on the Mount.

Tonight, in an effort to boost productivity, I went to the Whole Foods conveniently located two blocks north of my current living space. There, I separated myself from distractions while searching and applying for jobs. In order to best make use of my time, I decided to open the new study guide I received today an began studying.

I've read this verse a thousand times before, and I always thought Jesus was solely referring to people who were in mourning over some personal loss. You know, his glory is magnified in our weakness kinda thing. We'll be blessed by his comfort, yada yada yada. Not that any of that isn't true, but tonight I realized there's something even deeper going on here.

A popular worship song holds the line "Break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your kingdom's cause." As I read this verse tonight, I realized that the mourning Jesus is referring to is a mourning brought on by a heart that breaks for his cause.

God's not asking us to walk around saddened and depressed all the time. He's asking us to open our eyes. Look around you. What opportunities of service are you missing out on? What are you not praying for? Living in a major city brings daily opportunities for me to see needs and pray about ways I can meet them, the challenge is simply being diligent enough in my prayer life to ensure that I am seeing these things.

As anyone who knows me is well aware, my heart breaks deepest for issues involving kids, particularly teens with sever disciplinary issues and behavioral disorders. I often catch myself praying for random kids on the train, reading articles about crimes committed by teenagers and praying for the criminal himself alongside the victims involved, that sort of thing. I pray that God will continue to open my eyes to ways I can personally impact the lives of these kids, so much so that I'm furthering my education to work toward that cause.

It is so important to realize that our present circumstances are strategic. God does not randomly assign people to things. He has tasks, and he so willingly lets us be a part of making things happen even though he doesn't really need us.

So as our heart breaks for things, and we mourn for things, we must humble ourselves and realize that, though we are not needed, God allows us to be a part of his plan, and we should be seeking opportunities to take advantage of that. Is there any more incredible form of worship?

In my own life, it is the recognition of things that are breaking the Lord's heart that allow me to mourn, and then be blessed in return. I cannot express the rewards I've experienced so far in my work with these kids, and the fulfillment I get knowing that God's using me to be a part of it.

So I ask you: What do you mourn? What breaks your heart? What are you doing about it?

If you don't know, pray. God will reveal things to you that you never dreamed. Allow him to break your heart for what breaks his.

I am not perfect, and I know there are plenty of things I am overlooking, but I earnestly seek his guidance and hope that he will show me the path to be best used to bring him glory.

Please share ways that God is breaking your heart, using your gifts, etc. so I can be in prayer for you.

Freedom isn't Free

While living the life I never expected (and being super thankful for it), I also have come to realize how much of me is still stuck on the life I expected.

This last month or so has been quite the eye opener in terms of where I am right now. The truth is. I don't know where I am. That's the problem.

When people look at my life, they often note that I have all the freedom in the world and they're so jealous and blah blah blah, but folks let me tell you

FREEDOM IS SCARY.

Too scary. To a certain extent, one seeks freedom to make choices, and I understand the blessing that this is. I get that right now, God could call me to do just about anything anywhere and I could do it (minus that whole finance issue, but I don't really ever worry about such things). Unfortunately, he hasn't made it super clear where he wants me right now.

I'm learning patience in terms of his calling. I am having to realize that for now, I need to sit back and just enjoy the ride, but never knowing what the next day will hold is nerve wracking.

I went home last week for a wedding, and I just returned Thursday night. While at home, I came to the realization that if I would have missed my flight on Wednesday, I could I have simply stayed there, found a quick job, and been in the exact same position I'm in in NY. No home of my own, no real job, no real commitments. It would not affect anyone. I would not be putting anyone into a bind. I would simply be transferring my life to another location. When home is as wonderful as it is, it's difficult to resist the temptation to do just that. I could sing more, I could spend more time with my family, I could attend the thousand and one wonderful spring and summer events in South Louisiana. Very very very very very very tempting.

But I didn't miss the flight. I picked up a snoball and a mochasippi and made my way to the airport.

Then I got delayed.... in Chicago. Upon landing I received a text from the airline stating that my flight had been moved back about 2 and a half hours, meaning I wouldn't get back to NY until one AM (not cool). So, since I have all the freedom in the world, I simply asked Southwest to switch my flight to Thursday night, and I had a sleepover at Jessica's house. All day Thursday, I roamed the streets of Chicago with no plan, and no direction.

I then had the same realization as before. I could have missed my flight out of Midway that night (and I ALMOST DID), got a job in chicago, crashed on Jessica's couch for a while, and it'd be no different then what I was doing in NY right now.

DO YOU KNOW HOW SCARY THAT IS???

I probably sound like a spoiled brat right now. But really. I'm learning to lean on God in a totally different way than I ever have before. I'm an emotional wreck. I'm seeking his direction on so many levels. I know much of it will be resolved when I find out if and where I'm going to school next year, but still, that leaves decisions about what to do in the meantime wide open.

His plans are not my plans. Believe me. He's really made that nice and clear. It's humbling though to be twenty five going on twenty six, and to feel like you've accomplished NOTHING in terms of your calling and goals, and to wonder why that is. Why is he waiting so long for my life to start. Why am I twenty five, with student loans, and no significant place in anyone's life but my own. It's so hard not to be self centered in these situations, and I HATE being self-centered. I just want to feel like I'm working toward SOMETHING significant. I want to feel needed somewhere. Right now, I don't feel that way.

So yes, freedom seems great. When no one is depending on you there's a definitely release of burdens, but God's calling is to help others, and not having anyone depending on me is one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. I just can't wait to see where he's going with this one.

Something big's about to happen. I know it. I just know it.

Do not be anxious

Such simple words. Yet so hard to follow.

I have been very anxious lately, and I'm having to remind myself that, in all of the anxiety I've experienced in the last few years, God has come through in big, unforeseeable ways.

You see, when I was working at Summit, my anxiety was all work related. I was struggling to keep up with the extra things that were constantly being dumped on my plate, and I felt as though I was constantly treading water but not going forward. I eventually reached a point where I had a routine and was no longer stressed over my workload, but my constant interactions with a person who was completely unhealthy for me fed this anxiety in a way I've never experienced before. I learned to lean on the Lord in ways I hadn't before. I never struggled financially though, and that relief was a nice rest from the off and on ups and downs of my money situation I had experienced previous to that job.

I am now back in the money crisis again, and though I know the Lord will come through, I'm having to force myself not to hit doomsday scenario in my brain, because, after all, even at doomsday what's the worst that could happen? I overanalyze and work through every possible SOLUTION, but none of them seems like a solution without a miracle.

Yet, when have I not experienced miracles? I think back to this post from right after I moved here, and I'm mind-blown that, when I thought things were at their worst, somehow he came through, and I didn't have to move home (which is, in my mind, typically the "doomsday" scenario I think of- even though moving home is my eventual goal and I'd be perfectly happy to do so if the time was right). I have to remind myself that I know God wants me here right now, so he will provide. I've just got to learn to be more responsible with my finances. Big time.

You see, I have to find a new apartment, and FAST, and without any money to do so. PLUS I have to pay off expenses for this place before I can move out (though the details of all of that are quite boring and I'll save you). Essentially, at the end of January, I either need a financial miracle, or a place to stay while I house all of my things in a storage unit. I'm not really sure how that's all going to work out. PLUS, my student loans are eating at my heels, and here I am trying to apply to grad school, which costs money, while paying application fees. Aye aye aye.

I KNOW it will all work out, but I'm struggling to remember that whole Matthew 6:34 "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient is the day for its own trouble." I live in future thought, and it's driving me nuts.

Also, Jesus didn't really have a place to live either. "Foxes have dens and birds have nests but the savior has nowhere to rest his head." (Matt 8:20). duh. pay attention, Danielle.

I'm so ready to see how God intervenes in this situation, as he always does. I KNOW he has me here for now for a reason, and after a "oh my goodness New Orleans is even more amazing than I've ever remembered" vacation where I seriously considered throwing in the towel and moving back home, I IMMEDIATELY felt a sense of peace and belonging the second I returned to this city. I know he has a plan and it involves New York, I'm just ready to see how he continues to make that happen.

Believe me, if there's anything I've learned in the last three years, it's that he provides in big ways, and I LOVE seeing how he does it. It's incredible, and totally manifests my dependence on him. I guess he just got tired of seeing me try to do things on my own for a while.

What's your cookie dough?

I attempted to go to bed early last night when a very lengthy (and I mean like, 5 message long) text came through on my phone. This friend and I have been through the trenches together. We were partners n crime in the times with both of us were furthest from the Lord, and now, as we grow in our faith, we constantly pray for each other and get to encourage one another through totally different seasons in life. No amount of sleep is ever worth losing this precious correspondence with a dear friend, especially when one of us needs prayer.

So as I read through the texts and prayed about what I could say to encourage my friend, an analogy came to mind.

We were discussing how, even though we know we've been forgiven by the Lord, and we are totally different people than we once were, it sometimes feels as though we've lived two different lives, and that the one we live now is not the one we planned for.

and its not

cuz our plans aren't the same as the Lord's until we are focused on him and his will.

"The heart of a man plans his way but the LORD determines his steps" - Proverbs 16-9

My friend and I are both bakers, and I was able to draw from my own struggles and come up with the following analogy:

Imagine you are in the kitchen, baking cookies for a bake sale (or some other similar event). You've gotten about halfway through the process of blending all your ingredients, when the coordinator calls you and says "Oh my goodness, you're baking cookies?! But I REALLY need you to make brownies! I told you that! We've got plenty of cookies."

So you look down at the half-mixed batch of cookies you've got going and your heart sinks. You weren't paying attention to the specifics of her request the first time around, you were just eager to help. You're intentions are in the right place. You've been craving the cookies. There's nothing wrong with the cookies. They're gonna be great, and you've put a lot of work and used up much of your stock of basic ingredients.

You, being the clever kitchen problem solver, start to think of ways you can stretch what you have left, dig out some of the cookie ingredients, use the basic mix you've already started, and get some brownies goin!

No problem. There's gotta be a way.

But the more you add and mix and try to manipulate, the brownies, though coming together, still have these remnants of cookie dough in them, and it's just one big ole hot mess. The more you try to mix, the more frustrated you get.

You think "Why couldn't she just be satisfied with the cookies? What's wrong with cookies?" and you know the answer: nothing. The cookies are good, they're just not what you were asked to make.

You are so stuck on incorporating the cookies and not wasting all those ingredients, so you just keep trying to make it work, when honestly, sometimes you just have to sacrifice your previous attempts in order to get better brownies.

This might take a trip to the store so you're not trying to squeeze what you can outta what you've got left, doing some dishes, cleaning out all of the excess, but in the end, the brownies are even better than the cookies you planned to make, and MUCH more helpful to the cookie-overloaded bake sale.

Our plans are truly like this. I know for me, I spent my whole life planning for things to turn out one way, and I keep trying to salvage bits of that so that it doesn't all go to waste, despite the fact that I know good and well what God really wants for me. In MY plans, I figured by now I'd be married, with a kid or two, and I'd be teaching while raising my little family.

Obviously, this is not how my life turned out, and I am in no way sad about this, but I had to realize, sometimes dying to myself means letting go of the cookie dough.

We have to be willing to let go of our own dreams, even if they're good ones. Yes, I often feel defeated when I think about this, in the same way that I would not want to run to the store to get more sugar when I know I could find a way to save the sugar and still make brownies. But in the end, running to the store is the better option. I am learning daily how to align my dreams with the Lord's plans for me, but in that, it means I often have to toss my silly fleeting ones out.

I have to realize that the life I have is NOT the one I planned, it's better. But I still have to make up for my mistakes from the times when I was NOT seeking his will. Thankfully, he's always willing to drive me to the store and buy the new butter. I just have to be willing to get in the car.

I keep pulling more and more from this analogy, so I'll stop before it starts to get ridiculous.

But I leave you with this: What's your cookie dough?

If Ignorance is Bliss It's Cuz She Never Heard of This

I pray daily about whether or not I'm in the right place right now... and in less than a week I have to know for sure. Though my image isn't clear, just when I think I've got it figured out, I'll have moments like today.

It's Friday, I'm recovering from one of the worst 24-hour illnesses I've had in years, and the last thing I wanted to do was stay after school for several hours. So, when one of my students walked in and reminded me that I was supposed to help him with his project (which was due DAYS ago), my stomach sank a little, realizing that the other work I desperately needed to do was going to have to wait. I had been looking forward to getting my grading done, grabbing a pumpkin spice latte, and strolling the streets of Harlem while listening to Andy Mineo's new mix tape (which you should definitely click on the previous text and download for FREE if you haven't done so already). I'm into these long walks around the city, especially when it's in neighborhoods God has laid upon my heart.

So, I begrudgingly pulled up a desk for my kid, and set my computer up on another desk, while I walked him through the beginning steps of his project. I decided to put on some Jesus hip-hop in the background (which I like to do during class sometimes), and after a few minutes discussion on our favorite rap artists and some reminiscent late-90s Cash money "I'm from New Orleans, I knew 'bout Lil wayne before you were born, and this is what we do" moments, we bonded over a love of all things hip hop, and I put on the aforementioned mix tape. I've always struggled with the fact that I absolutely love the sounds and beats and hooks and such of hip hop, but the language and themes drive me nuts, so when I discovered the amazingness of legit Gospel Hip Hop, it was like an answered prayer. I now like to share. The Westbank in me is very thankful. I shared with him my thoughts on this music, and how I like it better because the talent is the same, but the message is so much sweeter. We continued to listen, and he jammed along.

So now to the point. A few minutes in, while he's working on his project, the kid turns to me as I'm grading timelines, and says "You know, sometimes I wonder about God. Like, how is it possible that he like, created everything but like, he was never created?"

Floored moment. Quick prayer.

I proceeded to answer him in my best "we can't put God into our human box and try to rationalize him, he's way bigger than us," explanation. He then pressed on with a variety of other questions like, "So if he's God, how could he just suddenly turn himself into like, bones and skin and organs n stuff and put himself inside Mary?" and "If this guy can save the universe, why would he let himself die and get beaten?"

This conversation lasted for about half an hour. I don't have time to put everything into details, but suffice it to say, I got to do some seriously awesome sharing in this time. I got to share about how amazing Jesus's love for us truly was, and how he GAVE HIMSELF so that we wouldn't have to suffer - and that our stupid ways put him in that position. We talked about heaven and hell and spiritual warfare. We talked about Grace, and forgiveness, and good and evil. He had some fantastic stories and thoughts to share. I was so blessed by this conversation.

It...Was...Amazing.

I was completely floored by the way God opened up doors today.

I think my favorite question was "Well, how do you KNOW he's real? Like, what makes you feel so confident that God is there?" which allowed me to share the amazing things he's done for me, and how his Holy Spirit is living, breathing, and flowing through my life.

So amazing. This kid's an aspiring rapper, and has shared some pretty creative and clever rhymes with me in the past few weeks. I'm so thankful that there are guys out there with the same talents as this kid who use their talents for his Glory so they can specifically reach this group of people, and seeing as how these are my kids, I am more than thankful for their willingness to serve in this way.

I'm also really thankful I didn't dart out the door and grab that latte this afternoon. This was soooo much sweeter.

Why do I keep trying

Why do I keep ignoring the Lord?

What am I trying to do? What am I trying to accomplish? I voiced these questions to a friend just a day before deciding to make another Danielle-centered decision. Why am I so focused on my OWN desires when I know the greater reward he has for me?

I have been working at a school for two weeks now, and it's a GREAT school. It's everything I looked for in a school.

but I am unsatisfied.

I have realized that I am unsatisfied because, ultimately, I don't want to work in a school (at least not as a teacher). Rather, as I've known for at least three years now, I want to be in full-time ministry.

But I keep makin excuses.

I have loans to pay off. I need to go back to school so I can be better equipped and therefore need to go make some money first. Etc.

Like God can't take care of that.

I knew 100% in my mind that he wanted me to work at Graffiti again this semester, and I've chosen not to. Technically, I'm on a trial period at this school, and, in all honesty, I feel myself sabotaging my chances of getting hired. Like, I submit lesson plans late without care, etc. I do like the kids, I do like my staff, and it's a great neighborhood, but it's not ministry. It's just not the same.

Then agian, other days I love it. I don't feel what I'm feeling right now. I feel like I definitely made the right decision by putting myself in a situation in which I can start working toward those loans, move into a cheaper apartment, and go back to school.

It's all a mess.

The truth is, even this morning diggin into Monday morning Jesus time, I read the passage about beinga anxious. We are higher than the birds, and they don't worry about having their needs taken care of, so why should we?

I guess I'm just going to keep praying that in the next few weeks God will show me how what I am to do.

Pumkin Spice Lattes The Good Word

In the madness of starting a new job, I've also had to create for myself a new routine. In said new routine, it's especially important to pray through how my time with the Lord can be best spent. He's provided me with the time to spend, and I need to steward my time in a way that I can both keep my job, and more importantly, grow daily in my relationship with him.

This balance is crucial, in that I am on a trial period with my job, and it's not just a trial period for them to test me out, but also for me to see if this is truly where God wants me for at least the next ten months of my life. but more on that later.

What I wanted to share most, is the ABSOLUTELY RADICAL AMAZINGNESS I read while enjoying a pumpkin spice latte last night (ahhhh, fall!). I took myself to starbucks so I'd be removed from the distractions of work and my apartment. It's a routine I plan to work into my routine, even if it doesn't include starbucks (considering the only time of the year starbucks is my preference is during the fall when the pumpkin spice is in full force)

Have you ever had one of those moments where you were diggin through the word and you just wanted to stand up where you were and do a little dance because you were so pumped up and charged by the passages before you. That was me, last night. These moments rock my world.

I marinated in the words of Titus 2:11-14:

"For the grace of God has appeared bringing salvation to all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age, waiting for our blessed hope, then the appearing of the glory of our Great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for his own possession a people who are ZEALOUS for good works."

Retyping that, just blew my mind again. Dude, GAVE HIMSELF FOR US so we will be ZEALOUS for good works. What?! He wants us to live upright, self-controlled, and godly lives while we WAIT for him and his glory. really

take

that

in

don't read this lightly. In digging deeper last night, I came to know that the Greek word for waiting connotes eagerness. It's not like when I'm waiting on the train for work, its like, when I'm waiting from the time of the superbowl/BCS national championship games to the time when the first ball of the season is kicked off in the late summer/early fall times infinite numbers of awesomeness.

SOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER.

we are waiting on the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE. This big dude, who knows more than we will ever ever every understand, comprehend, or pretend to know. Things we could never wrap our mind around. He's coming to bring us into his fellowship. Like, for real. Take that in. and in the meantime, he wants us to be CHANGED by his promise.

Like, what is salvation if we don't let it soak us up. Why on Earth would we want the things of this Earth when we can be friends and live in community with the most infinite, unimaginable, greatest person who ever walked this earth. Like, think about this. Really think about it. I read this stuff every day, and sometimes I get complacent, but when I truly sit in amazement. WOW.

you'll prolly want to dance around a starbucks too.

Prayer

So I've realized I've become really complacent in my prayer life. This is something I've been struggling with for a while, and I've not been intentional in fixing it, which is really the problem itself, if that makes sense.

Allow me to explain.

I read a book a few years ago about praising God through the everyday blessings, and I got really good at it. So I do this, constantly, and it keeps me close to him.

I also have had LOTS of good thinking time since I got to Chicago, and so I've tried super hard to be so enamored by the Lord that my thoughts default to him in these times. But they don't. I want to be closer, I want to direct my mind to him, but I always get distracted. It's driving me nuts.

Also, I've realized that I don't come before the Lord in a way that allows me to truly be still in him. I always tell people I will pray for them, and then I pray for them once or twice, like, right on the spot, then I forget altogether about what I'm supposed to be praying for and I end up only praying for my own requests - most of the time at least.

I often pray for people/places/things (nouns) whenever I think of those specific people/places/things, but it's usually a quick prayer like "Oh yeah, God, take care of that." I don't truly take time to enter his presence, praise him, and present my requests.

I think I got so satisfied with simply praising him over the little things that I forgot to set aside special time for him. Both are necessary.

Human Example: Jess is my best friend. I text her little thoughts and jokes and stories throughout the day. Same with my parents, grandparents, and other friends, but mostly Jess. Does this constant form of communication mean I do not have to make time to actually call or spend time with these people? Absolutely not. I have one day off in Chicago and my first thought was "You better spend it with Jessica." We meet for lunch whenever we can, and when we are in different cities, we make time in our busy schedules to call each other. If suddenly Jess were to stop calling or stop trying to hang out with me, I'd be kidna paranoid, I'm not gonna lie.

So, why do I think I can still have a deep relationship with the Lord if I don't take time to truly sit and spend time with him. I mean, I read the word every day, and I have a little prayer time, but not like I crave, not like I should, and I want that to change. I want to be intentional in my prayers.

That is all.

No Greater Victory

Full Circle.

That's what I'd like to call the last six months of my life. After a year of searching, I got a job teaching in Brooklyn, then, six months later, I am again unemployed. That appears to be full circle.

Only it's not. You see, those six months taught me crucial and strong lessons, and rather than a full circle, I'd like to think of it as a great leap forward.

From about week four, things have been shady at my workplace. My kids were AMAZING, like, incredibly amazing, in ways I cannot describe. For their presence in my life I will be forever thankful. Each of them had something special to share with me, and there is not a single one I feel I could have done without. I will miss them daily, but I at least know I can continue to pray for them as they make their way to great things. And yes, they will do great things. I'd like to think that in the short time I was in their lives, I was a part of that.

Now, I won't go into great detail over the shadiness I witnessed, or the many injustices I feel me, my coworkers, and my children suffered through at the hands of big egos, but what I will say is that it has been a true test of faith. God has shown me how to 100% hand the reigns over to him. I would not have survived this long without his help.

I went to work each day coated in the armor described in Ephesians 6. Each morning, I woke up to spend time in the word. The worse things got, the earlier I woke up. Though I lived but a ten minute walk away, I awoke between 5:15 and 5:30 so I could soak up the necessary nourishment I needed to get through each challenging day. (I also consumed lots of coffee, but that's a different thing altogether).

Just today, I heard a pastor say "Sometimes Satan's greatest tool is to give us exactly what we want." That's exactly what happened with this job. It seemed so perfect I couldn't pass it up, knowing that deep down, I was being tugged the other way by the force that I usually am able to follow. But for some reason, I chose otherwise. I now put myself in a position of full on spiritual warfare. Not just minor battles, but flaming arrows as described in Ephesians. It was like the Hunger Games being waged in my soul. But armed with Christ, I pressed on.

It would appear that being "terminated" would be Satan winning. But oh how true is the contrary. I had been waiting for an out for a while, and praying that God would either give me the strength to leave, let me out, or help me regain my vision and purpose. Well, he did the last two. I regained my vision, and then was let go, and I've never felt better.

THAT, friends, is victory in Jesus. When you can lose a job, and be truly ecstatic about it. I immediately extended my trip home from one week to three. Hello Mardi Gras, and I left for Washington, DC two days earlier than planned, where I had a FANTASTIC time by the way.

I've had overwhelming support from concerned parents at the school, who also witness the injustices there and are glad I got out. They have reassured me that my time there was worth the impact it made, and that is all the comfort I need.

I've witnessed an LSU National Championship (among many other nail biting games). I've seen the Saints win the Superbowl after a never ending series of heartaches, but I now know what it's like to watch God outright win a raging spiritual battle, and man it feels SWEET! I cannot imagine a greater victory.

One year

So, I made it. I survived one year in New York City. I fully intended to update as soon as that happened, but as we all know, my life is INSANELY busy. The little time I have to update I chose to do other things. Seeing as how my readership is down to like, zero anyway, I don't think any of you (or YOU, singular), really cares all that much. That said, I'm going to try to be more faithful.

So a few things the Lord has taught me in this up and down year:

1. Home will ALWAYS be New Orleans. In the words of Dee-1 and Shamaar Allan: "Whereva you put me 504 home." The cool thing about that is, God has allowed me to go home so many times that I know that no matter where he's placed me, home is always there waiting on me.

2. Faith. Faith. Faith. Sounds so cliché but its so true. When I moved here, I had no idea how I would survive. I figured God would give me a job. When he didn't give me a job in the way I thought he would, I panicked. That said, I knew he was on top of things. With the exception of a few truly difficult weeks in August, I never lost hope. I knew he had something waiting in the wings. Then, when he did provide, he provided in an unforeseen way that allowed me to still be at Graffiti WAY more than if I had a classroom of my own. Job-wise, not ideal, but in terms of recognizing the true reason he called me here, AFFIRMING. That was exactly what I needed, and I am thankful.

3. Above all PATIENCE. I've always been one to rush my life. Run run run, it's one of the reasons I moved here. Things move at a faster pace, one that keeps up with my way ADD brain (which can't focus on the same thing for long enough to settle). I have a whole list of things I feel like I should have done by now, and I've always stressed myself out trying to get them done. I feel like by this time, I should have a five-year plan that works, a man in my life who could potentially be there forever, a pretty steady job..... I should have been to Europe, I should have an idea of when I'm going back to New Orleans. I need to move back to New Orleans before it's "too late." Etc... Etc... Etc.... but the truth is HE IS IN CONTROL no matter how long it takes for some of his answers to unfold. Instead of building up unnecessary stress in MY brain and body, I can turn it ALL over to him. All of it. And he's got me covered. There is no reason to rush. I'm young. He's gonna take care of it. I should just enjoy the ride.

Those are a few of the top things he's shown me, but there are MANY MANY MANY more. I just know that if I started trying to put them all down, I'd lose track. Easily. So there, in a nutshell, the biggest lessons.

I got to be in that number

Because my church is awesome, someone anonymously donated money to fly me home to watch the Superbowl with my family and celebrate in my city. It was truly amazing. I got the chance to see a team carry a group of people to joy in a way I'm sure no team has ever done before.

I also got to see God's provision once again. I learned a lot from this experience.

1. It's okay that I don't live in New Orleans, because when it comes down to it, he'll provide a way for me to be there for the important things. So as much as I miss home and it's luxuries, and the people there, I still get to enjoy them often enough to maintain that appreciation.

2. The Lord provides in the most unexpected ways. I have no idea who paid for that trip, but it's cool that they did.

3. Jesus is a lot like the Saints players, but way bigger and more important. I'd lose no respect for any of those players if after the game and the parade, they had ducked off to their homes without ever talking to a fan. It's hard for them to live regular lives. BUT they didn't. All of them take time out to see the fans, talk to the fans, spend time with the fans, and be a part of the city. In the same way, Jesus has every right to live high and mighty and have no interaction with us whatsoever, but he DOESN'T, he wants to be a part of our lives, daily, and we should accept that offer.

4. If Heaven is anything like the city of New Orleans after that game, minus the alcohol, then boy are we in for a treat. I'm pretty excited about that celebration. I wanna be in THAT number!

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out what it is he's got going for me here on Earth. I've REALLY been considering going back to school for journalism. It was my original major, it's what I love, and I think it'd be a job I'd be good at and enjoy. I have enough connections in the media industry that I could find good internships. The ultimate goal, of course, would be to get a job at either WWL or the Times Picayune, but that's after years of experience and exploring the world through other outlets. So prayer during this decision making time would be helpful.

I'm also in the process of designing business cards, which cost money, so I am praying I make the right decision and find a way to pay for them. They are cheap, but still, cost money. But, of course, God always seems to provide a way for me to get out of financial crunches, so lets hope he does so again.

And it's almost over :(

Last day in Louisiana. Not really sure how I feel about this.

Usually when I'm away from wherever it is I live, I am anxious to get back to all the things I left behind. especially when it is New York.

But right now, for some reason, I can't seem to make myself want to go back. I miss the kids. I miss my church, but I don't miss being broke and stressed and overworked.

I'm really praying about what it is God has in store for next school year. I want to teach again. Really bad. I want a job that allows me to pay off my student loans, really bad.

I've gotten very good at managing money, but I'm not really making enough of it to survive or pay off loans or anything. Which drives me crazy. I want to get those loans paid off ASAP so I can serve the Lord wherever and whenever he pleases so without worry about them.

Whatever it takes to work next year, I will do. I don't want to leave New York, but if that's what it takes, I will have to make it happen. I figure it's more important for me to make myself available to him in the future than it is to worry about doing everything right now. I'm trying to stop rushing through life. So, if it takes moving somewhere to get a job so I can concentrate on paying back loans, then I will.

The Lord is Good

Due to the wonderful provision of the Lord, we have kicked off the 2010 spring semester at Graffiti. I am super excited about what he is doing in the lives of these kids. They truly amaze me and are a blessing to my life each and every day.

In my own life, I started a new journey recently, one that involves letting go of some of the things I've been holding back from the Lord in my own life. I now see my life as a circle, kinda like a pie. And in that circle, there was a large chunk that I was trying to control myself. The rest of the "pie" was what I was letting God handle. I had given it all to him, but that small piece, I kept thinking was insignificant, because, after all, the Lord had MOST of my life, so why couldn't I have some of it?

STUPID

That's all I can say. I was trying to fill that little pie with things that I thought would remedy the problem at hand. A personal problem I've been working on for years. In that, I was allowing things to try to fill that piece, and those things were, against my knowledge, spilling over into the part that God controls. This is how it works. This is the way our lives are.

I've learned that without giving God EVERYTHING, we are contaminating ourselves. I also learned that it is entirely possible to be trying to control part of your own life without realizing it. I had no idea I wasn't giving that to God. I just kept trying to do it my way and SAYING God is is in control. I was wrong. Lying to myself, and to others.

The Lord spoke to me through a few wise friends, and some quality reading, and told me I need to stop trying to take over ANY part of my life and give it all over.

And what do you know, it works. Immediately I feel like a new person. I finally feel complete and satisfied in him alone. BUT, in order for this to happen, I had to consciously hand this over to him. I had to come to a point where I let go of a few of my own loves, that I didn't even realize were harmful, because, on the surface, they weren't. BUT in terms of MY life, they were barriers. Stumbling blocks. I had to give them up.

ever since, I haven't looked back.

I now feel like everything the Lord is telling me to do is coming in much clearer than before. I feel complete without some of the earthly desires I always thought I had to have. I've stopped rushing my life, and now I'm taking every day as a blessing and each trial as a building point.

God is good.

Some Fish and some Loaves of Bread...

I love watching the Lord provide, and sometimes, I don't even see where his provision comes from, therefore, I KNOW it is him, which is cool.

Basically, I somehow managed to pay my rent for November, and eat the entire month of October, and buy a metro card, and go home, and take off three days of work, and not do ANY outside work, or get any random checks from Jefferson Parish, and pay for fingerprinting with the DOE, among many other things. NOT TO MENTION, my job alone, if working all of my shifts 100%, doesn't even cover rent + metrocard by itself (so basically, I've never survived without outside jobs or help), but, SOMEHOW, I only had to borrow $100 to cover the rent at the beginning of the month. I've looked over and over and over at it, and I still have absolutely no idea how I managed to pay for anything. but I lived comfortably this month and am completely amazed at how this happened!

It's kinda like that whole "Feeding the 5000" story. The Lord has managed to stretch out resources so they somehow seem to go much farther than they appear to be able to. Cool stuff.

Discipleship

The new semester is in full-force now.  This week we kick of Connections on Wednesday nights, which will be yet another opportunity we have during the week to reach students.

We've decided that our theme for the semester will be Discipleship.  We're talking about what it means to be a disciple, how we can become disciples, who are disciples we can look up to, etc...  This goes for Sunday small groups, after school program, and Wednesday nights.  

Of course, in the process of planning lessons and praying about what to teach these kids, I'm learning more and more about being a disciple myself, and it's been great.  The Lord has helped me to translate these thoughts in ways that the kids can understand, and I have to say, that is 100% NOT my doing, it's all him.  Random stories and examples pop into my head, and I cannot thank him enough for them. 

Yesterday in small group we talked about how much I love my job, to the point in which I go above and beyond to do my best.  I do this because it is something I'm passionate about, and because I know that the more I put into it, the more my  managers will appreciate my being there, and they will be on my side when needed.  I got a call the other day from the 86th street Barnes and Noble, who said they had talked to Baton Rouge and they desperately wanted me in their store because, apparently, BR gave me raving reviews (something I'd heard from Brooklyn as well....).  This only happened because I had done my job to the absolute best of my abilities when I was in BR.  I am doing the same in Brooklyn, and already, it pays off.  I can tell I've won favor with those above me in the rankings.  This could lead to a number of things like additional hours, lead positions, etc... I love my job and don't feel like I'm going above and beyond simply for these reasons, I do it because I love it, not for recognition. 

That said, there are people who get paid the same as me, and do just enough to get by and keep their job.  I could just as easily do that, and be fine, and no one would care, but I am passionate about what I do, so I do more.  

This is how we should be with Christ.  We could easily go through the motions and do the basics, but there is such joy in knowing you're serving him to the fullest capacity humanly possible.  This is how true discipleship works.  To want to go above and beyond.  To want to serve as best as possible.  To want to learn more and do more.  This is the theme I'm trying to relate to the students.  I just hope I can relate it well. 

My prayer is that Chris and I have the wisdom to teach these students this concept in a way that they will embrace it, and go with it.  I pray they will have open hearts, and that they will come wanting to learn more.  

Provision

The Lord has provided once again.

Not only did he, for the third time since my decision to move, provide me with an unexpected paycheck, he has also been providing ample opportunities for me to earn money. 

I am working full-time at Barnes and Noble, and through this, will be receiving benefits in the near future.  I love my job, and though it doesn't pay well enough for me to live on that income alone, it is enjoyable.  

I have been networking with fellow LSU alumn at the game-watching parties, and through that, I've been working like crazy for one of them this week.  It's been a great source of extra income for the time being.  

I also got a call from another agency through which I can get tutoring clients.  I'm hoping this picks up soon and I can get started on that job.  That's the one that's going to bring home the bacon. 

Having a busy schedule has been great for me mental health.  I was going insane sitting around with nothing to do.  Always having something on my plate keeps me levelheaded.  It's like the same thrill I get after a long run.  Exhaustion fuels me.  

Keep the prayers coming.  They have been paying off.  I'm in no one 100% financially stable, but at least I know I can pay one more month's rent.  At this point, that's what matters most. 

Somewhere between New York City and Chicago

I love Chicago.

It's different. It's not what I expected it to be. It feels smaller than I had anticipated.

But I love Chicago.

As far as feeling like a turn-of-the-20th Century midwestern town, it's right on, and I love it for that reason. I haven't gotten to explore much at this point, but I am enjoying what I've experienced so far.

Most of all, I'm enjoying Jessica time. I miss mer a lot.

Last night, my new friend Tommy that I met in Puerto Rico (but lives here), took us out for a little bit of an insider perspective of things, as well as a great dinner. He and his friend Roy were lots of fun, and they've been here for a long time, so it was kinda neat to hear the stories they had.

We did lots of walking, talking, and drinking coffee.

Or in Jeopardy terms: What are Danielle's three favorite things to do in a big city?

After the dinner we had (which is at a place known for its large portions), it was nice to just stroll along the river and enjoy the city lights while getting to spend time with fantastic people. It reminded me of some nights I've had in New York this summer (most of which have involved frozen yogurt). The difference is, here, I'm exploring somewhere new, which makes it even sweeter.

On the flight over, I slept as always, except about forty-five minutes into the flight, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. This normally, would frustrate the heck out of me, seeing as how I prefer to sleep from takeoff to touchdown. This time though, I decided to have some quality God time. I was listening to a worship playlist on my iPod and really thinking about the words in some of those songs, and how lately, despite serving as a missionary and enjoying the heck out of it, I've been a bit stale in my relationship with him. It's been driving me nuts. On the plane though, I started to get it. I started to really see the things he's done in my life. I broke out my Bible and started reading. As someone who normally does this daily, it shouldn't seem like a big deal, but like I said, stale lately. Most of my recent Bible reading hasn't been with the heart I know I should have.

I normally always choose an aisle seat, but for some reason yesterday when I got on the plane (and Southwest lets you choose as you get on), I decided to sit by the window. I stared out over the view and thought of all the things I've been blessed with, and the experiences I've had, and I was reminded to stop feeling sorry for myself. I cannot imagine having a greater life. Why am I trying to dwell on the things I cannot control and make myself miserable, when I could just as easily be admiring the blessings and realizing what it is I have. Even some of the things I think I want in my life, when I really look at it, I don't have any need for right now. I should enjoy being young and single in a new city, and all of the opportunities that lie within that.

So my Chicago experience so far hasn't been tainted with any negativity, and I feel my stale period coming to an end (thank goodness!).