Sometimes we fail, and that's okay.

I've worked for the same company off and on for five years.  In that time, I've worked in over sixty different schools, probably for a total of well over 300 days.

On Wednesday, I received my first ever bad review.

My representative called me and said she wanted to discuss some feedback I'd received from a school. She named the school, where I had been last Friday, and have been too more times than I could count in the last four years. The school has almost entirely new staff, and they don't know me. This school used to request me every single day. Every.... Day..... But the last two years have been full of turn over and I can count on my hands the times I've been there.

The school informed my company that a teacher had observed me sitting behind the desk much of the day and playing on my phone.

And you know what? I was.

I know better. I do. I even thought to myself that day, "You should be circulating more. You need to put your phone away - you're not hiding it by just putting it behind your purse." The kids were being WONDERFUL, and I was exhausted, so I wasn't working my hardest. THIS IS NOT ME. this is not how I normally perform.

And I got caught. I admitted to what I had done, though I'm sure my defenses had me downplaying it.  My representative thanked me for being honest, told me not to let it happen again, and moved on.

I called back a few minutes later on a totally unrelated note, but I apologized again and told her all the steps I would take to ensure I never had another day like that. And she was fine.

But worst case scenarios flooded my mind. "OMG what if she calls the school and they tell her it was way worse than I made it sound?!?!" "I'M GOING TO LOSE MY JOB!!" "These schools all know each other and they're going to spread the word and no one will want me!" "I'm never going to be able to use my network of schools to help me find a job when I graduate!" "My company isn't going to think of me as one of their favorite employees anymore and I'm going to get trash-talked during staff meetings." "They're not going to give me work on Friday just to punish me and I have Christmas presents to buy!"

Seriously.

 But the truth is, none of the above is true. The ordeal is over, two short days in, and things are back to normal.... I hope.

You know why?

Because our failures don't define us. They teach us. When my representative called me she was SHOCKED. She told me she assured the school that I was one of their most requested employees and that this was very much out of character.  She backed me up in saying I must have been having an off day.  AND WE ALL HAVE OFF DAYS. But because I've spent almost five years establishing myself as not just a reliable employee, but a superior one, my representative knew that this was an isolated incident.

I learned from this experience. I learned that being really good at what you do does not exempt you from following rules.  It made me reflect up on my time at Summit. When I was there, every day I felt like I was a failure. I felt like I could do nothing right. I wasn't very good at the job, and even when I thought I was doing a great job, I was called out on something I didn't do right. It was miserable.

I am so thankful to have found a field in which I excel. I've had three different social work internships at this point, and I've left all three of them each day feeling like I'd been successful. I'm so thankful for the relationships I've built with almost all of my schools.

I showed up to work at a school today nervous. I felt as though a cloud was hanging over me waiting on me to fail, even though, in over three hundred days I've only had the one complaint, but it was looming.

Today I am working at a school where I have spent many of days over the last two years.  I even got their social worker her job after they started asking me when I was graduating and did I know anyone who was available for this year.

I walked into the office this morning, rushed because it was a day-of assignment. I rounded the corner to see the receptionist.

"Hey!!! It's our favorite person from school professionals!! So glad you're here!"

Yeah, I think one failure is okay.

Perspective

In the post below, note how I said that God was going to do something big and miraculous through this situation, and he didn't disappoint.

Upon reading a facebook post of mine about how I was going to be effectively homeless at the end of January, a dear friend offered up her home for my enjoyment while I save money and look for a new place. I am now sitting on a my futon in the Upper West Side living room of my friend's place, where I have been living for nearly two weeks now with her and her two beautiful boys.

Each time I step out of the train at Central Park West, walk over one block, and take the elevator up to be greeted at the door by two sweet hilarious preschool aged kids, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and praise for God's provision. I am now living in the most convenient location I can imagine for my work, and I am loving every minute of the company of a friend I admire in so many ways. (I'm also completely enamored by the ability to do laundry by simply taking an elevator down four floors and dropping it in the washer, then going back home to watch TV and be productive while it washes....)

I've been doing a lot of tutoring in homes I feel I could write volumes about, and with kids who are functioning nowhere near their grade level, but I will try to be more disciplined in writing those stories as they happen because there are too many things I learn to fit into one blog post. Suffice it to say that being in a home where Mom doesn't work, Dad's in jail, there are six kids from infant to seventeen, and the TV is the only thing drowning out the constant high-volume screaming has made me realize more than ever how privileged I am. Here I was worried about having a place to stay, when I knew that ANY situation God placed me in would be better than the dirty apartment in which this family resides. My God is way too good to me.

I also want to shout out my friends who helped me move for making me feel so loved. Chris, Courtney, and Hilton showed up at my apartment on a Saturday morning so they could spend the beautiful day carting my things between apartments, a storage unit, and a UHaul truck. Elizabeth called me upon finishing her work for the day and asked if she could join the party. None of these friends asked for anything out of the deal, they were simply loving. Elizabeth even went so far as to treat me to Shake Shack so I could relax once it was all said and done. Upon my return to my new place, I walked in to find that Karen had already organized my things and had bought me a welcome present. I've never been so overjoyed from the unconditional love my God gives me and manifests through my friends. I do not know how I would function without them.

I will do my best to be more diligent in updating this blog, as I daily have stories I could tell, but for now, I'm fighting sleep and am way past my bedtime

What's your cookie dough?

I attempted to go to bed early last night when a very lengthy (and I mean like, 5 message long) text came through on my phone. This friend and I have been through the trenches together. We were partners n crime in the times with both of us were furthest from the Lord, and now, as we grow in our faith, we constantly pray for each other and get to encourage one another through totally different seasons in life. No amount of sleep is ever worth losing this precious correspondence with a dear friend, especially when one of us needs prayer.

So as I read through the texts and prayed about what I could say to encourage my friend, an analogy came to mind.

We were discussing how, even though we know we've been forgiven by the Lord, and we are totally different people than we once were, it sometimes feels as though we've lived two different lives, and that the one we live now is not the one we planned for.

and its not

cuz our plans aren't the same as the Lord's until we are focused on him and his will.

"The heart of a man plans his way but the LORD determines his steps" - Proverbs 16-9

My friend and I are both bakers, and I was able to draw from my own struggles and come up with the following analogy:

Imagine you are in the kitchen, baking cookies for a bake sale (or some other similar event). You've gotten about halfway through the process of blending all your ingredients, when the coordinator calls you and says "Oh my goodness, you're baking cookies?! But I REALLY need you to make brownies! I told you that! We've got plenty of cookies."

So you look down at the half-mixed batch of cookies you've got going and your heart sinks. You weren't paying attention to the specifics of her request the first time around, you were just eager to help. You're intentions are in the right place. You've been craving the cookies. There's nothing wrong with the cookies. They're gonna be great, and you've put a lot of work and used up much of your stock of basic ingredients.

You, being the clever kitchen problem solver, start to think of ways you can stretch what you have left, dig out some of the cookie ingredients, use the basic mix you've already started, and get some brownies goin!

No problem. There's gotta be a way.

But the more you add and mix and try to manipulate, the brownies, though coming together, still have these remnants of cookie dough in them, and it's just one big ole hot mess. The more you try to mix, the more frustrated you get.

You think "Why couldn't she just be satisfied with the cookies? What's wrong with cookies?" and you know the answer: nothing. The cookies are good, they're just not what you were asked to make.

You are so stuck on incorporating the cookies and not wasting all those ingredients, so you just keep trying to make it work, when honestly, sometimes you just have to sacrifice your previous attempts in order to get better brownies.

This might take a trip to the store so you're not trying to squeeze what you can outta what you've got left, doing some dishes, cleaning out all of the excess, but in the end, the brownies are even better than the cookies you planned to make, and MUCH more helpful to the cookie-overloaded bake sale.

Our plans are truly like this. I know for me, I spent my whole life planning for things to turn out one way, and I keep trying to salvage bits of that so that it doesn't all go to waste, despite the fact that I know good and well what God really wants for me. In MY plans, I figured by now I'd be married, with a kid or two, and I'd be teaching while raising my little family.

Obviously, this is not how my life turned out, and I am in no way sad about this, but I had to realize, sometimes dying to myself means letting go of the cookie dough.

We have to be willing to let go of our own dreams, even if they're good ones. Yes, I often feel defeated when I think about this, in the same way that I would not want to run to the store to get more sugar when I know I could find a way to save the sugar and still make brownies. But in the end, running to the store is the better option. I am learning daily how to align my dreams with the Lord's plans for me, but in that, it means I often have to toss my silly fleeting ones out.

I have to realize that the life I have is NOT the one I planned, it's better. But I still have to make up for my mistakes from the times when I was NOT seeking his will. Thankfully, he's always willing to drive me to the store and buy the new butter. I just have to be willing to get in the car.

I keep pulling more and more from this analogy, so I'll stop before it starts to get ridiculous.

But I leave you with this: What's your cookie dough?

If Ignorance is Bliss It's Cuz She Never Heard of This

I pray daily about whether or not I'm in the right place right now... and in less than a week I have to know for sure. Though my image isn't clear, just when I think I've got it figured out, I'll have moments like today.

It's Friday, I'm recovering from one of the worst 24-hour illnesses I've had in years, and the last thing I wanted to do was stay after school for several hours. So, when one of my students walked in and reminded me that I was supposed to help him with his project (which was due DAYS ago), my stomach sank a little, realizing that the other work I desperately needed to do was going to have to wait. I had been looking forward to getting my grading done, grabbing a pumpkin spice latte, and strolling the streets of Harlem while listening to Andy Mineo's new mix tape (which you should definitely click on the previous text and download for FREE if you haven't done so already). I'm into these long walks around the city, especially when it's in neighborhoods God has laid upon my heart.

So, I begrudgingly pulled up a desk for my kid, and set my computer up on another desk, while I walked him through the beginning steps of his project. I decided to put on some Jesus hip-hop in the background (which I like to do during class sometimes), and after a few minutes discussion on our favorite rap artists and some reminiscent late-90s Cash money "I'm from New Orleans, I knew 'bout Lil wayne before you were born, and this is what we do" moments, we bonded over a love of all things hip hop, and I put on the aforementioned mix tape. I've always struggled with the fact that I absolutely love the sounds and beats and hooks and such of hip hop, but the language and themes drive me nuts, so when I discovered the amazingness of legit Gospel Hip Hop, it was like an answered prayer. I now like to share. The Westbank in me is very thankful. I shared with him my thoughts on this music, and how I like it better because the talent is the same, but the message is so much sweeter. We continued to listen, and he jammed along.

So now to the point. A few minutes in, while he's working on his project, the kid turns to me as I'm grading timelines, and says "You know, sometimes I wonder about God. Like, how is it possible that he like, created everything but like, he was never created?"

Floored moment. Quick prayer.

I proceeded to answer him in my best "we can't put God into our human box and try to rationalize him, he's way bigger than us," explanation. He then pressed on with a variety of other questions like, "So if he's God, how could he just suddenly turn himself into like, bones and skin and organs n stuff and put himself inside Mary?" and "If this guy can save the universe, why would he let himself die and get beaten?"

This conversation lasted for about half an hour. I don't have time to put everything into details, but suffice it to say, I got to do some seriously awesome sharing in this time. I got to share about how amazing Jesus's love for us truly was, and how he GAVE HIMSELF so that we wouldn't have to suffer - and that our stupid ways put him in that position. We talked about heaven and hell and spiritual warfare. We talked about Grace, and forgiveness, and good and evil. He had some fantastic stories and thoughts to share. I was so blessed by this conversation.

It...Was...Amazing.

I was completely floored by the way God opened up doors today.

I think my favorite question was "Well, how do you KNOW he's real? Like, what makes you feel so confident that God is there?" which allowed me to share the amazing things he's done for me, and how his Holy Spirit is living, breathing, and flowing through my life.

So amazing. This kid's an aspiring rapper, and has shared some pretty creative and clever rhymes with me in the past few weeks. I'm so thankful that there are guys out there with the same talents as this kid who use their talents for his Glory so they can specifically reach this group of people, and seeing as how these are my kids, I am more than thankful for their willingness to serve in this way.

I'm also really thankful I didn't dart out the door and grab that latte this afternoon. This was soooo much sweeter.

Why do I keep trying

Why do I keep ignoring the Lord?

What am I trying to do? What am I trying to accomplish? I voiced these questions to a friend just a day before deciding to make another Danielle-centered decision. Why am I so focused on my OWN desires when I know the greater reward he has for me?

I have been working at a school for two weeks now, and it's a GREAT school. It's everything I looked for in a school.

but I am unsatisfied.

I have realized that I am unsatisfied because, ultimately, I don't want to work in a school (at least not as a teacher). Rather, as I've known for at least three years now, I want to be in full-time ministry.

But I keep makin excuses.

I have loans to pay off. I need to go back to school so I can be better equipped and therefore need to go make some money first. Etc.

Like God can't take care of that.

I knew 100% in my mind that he wanted me to work at Graffiti again this semester, and I've chosen not to. Technically, I'm on a trial period at this school, and, in all honesty, I feel myself sabotaging my chances of getting hired. Like, I submit lesson plans late without care, etc. I do like the kids, I do like my staff, and it's a great neighborhood, but it's not ministry. It's just not the same.

Then agian, other days I love it. I don't feel what I'm feeling right now. I feel like I definitely made the right decision by putting myself in a situation in which I can start working toward those loans, move into a cheaper apartment, and go back to school.

It's all a mess.

The truth is, even this morning diggin into Monday morning Jesus time, I read the passage about beinga anxious. We are higher than the birds, and they don't worry about having their needs taken care of, so why should we?

I guess I'm just going to keep praying that in the next few weeks God will show me how what I am to do.

No Greater Victory

Full Circle.

That's what I'd like to call the last six months of my life. After a year of searching, I got a job teaching in Brooklyn, then, six months later, I am again unemployed. That appears to be full circle.

Only it's not. You see, those six months taught me crucial and strong lessons, and rather than a full circle, I'd like to think of it as a great leap forward.

From about week four, things have been shady at my workplace. My kids were AMAZING, like, incredibly amazing, in ways I cannot describe. For their presence in my life I will be forever thankful. Each of them had something special to share with me, and there is not a single one I feel I could have done without. I will miss them daily, but I at least know I can continue to pray for them as they make their way to great things. And yes, they will do great things. I'd like to think that in the short time I was in their lives, I was a part of that.

Now, I won't go into great detail over the shadiness I witnessed, or the many injustices I feel me, my coworkers, and my children suffered through at the hands of big egos, but what I will say is that it has been a true test of faith. God has shown me how to 100% hand the reigns over to him. I would not have survived this long without his help.

I went to work each day coated in the armor described in Ephesians 6. Each morning, I woke up to spend time in the word. The worse things got, the earlier I woke up. Though I lived but a ten minute walk away, I awoke between 5:15 and 5:30 so I could soak up the necessary nourishment I needed to get through each challenging day. (I also consumed lots of coffee, but that's a different thing altogether).

Just today, I heard a pastor say "Sometimes Satan's greatest tool is to give us exactly what we want." That's exactly what happened with this job. It seemed so perfect I couldn't pass it up, knowing that deep down, I was being tugged the other way by the force that I usually am able to follow. But for some reason, I chose otherwise. I now put myself in a position of full on spiritual warfare. Not just minor battles, but flaming arrows as described in Ephesians. It was like the Hunger Games being waged in my soul. But armed with Christ, I pressed on.

It would appear that being "terminated" would be Satan winning. But oh how true is the contrary. I had been waiting for an out for a while, and praying that God would either give me the strength to leave, let me out, or help me regain my vision and purpose. Well, he did the last two. I regained my vision, and then was let go, and I've never felt better.

THAT, friends, is victory in Jesus. When you can lose a job, and be truly ecstatic about it. I immediately extended my trip home from one week to three. Hello Mardi Gras, and I left for Washington, DC two days earlier than planned, where I had a FANTASTIC time by the way.

I've had overwhelming support from concerned parents at the school, who also witness the injustices there and are glad I got out. They have reassured me that my time there was worth the impact it made, and that is all the comfort I need.

I've witnessed an LSU National Championship (among many other nail biting games). I've seen the Saints win the Superbowl after a never ending series of heartaches, but I now know what it's like to watch God outright win a raging spiritual battle, and man it feels SWEET! I cannot imagine a greater victory.

So it's been a while

I keep promising myself I'm going to update.

but honestly

i'm too tired.

I'm too tired because I work like, 70 hours a week.

but wait a second, I worked like, 70 hours a week when I had THREE jobs. This is just one...

I work a LOT. A lot a lot. I work to advance the minds of great 7th graders. My kids are classic. They're amazing in ways I cannot describe in words. I wake up every morning excited to see them.

These past five months have been extremely difficult, and I cannot go into too much detail here, but lets just say I've learned a LOT about what happens when you are not at peace with a decision, and how God, like any good father, picks you up when you've fallen and been broken simply because you didn't listen to him and heed his warnings.

My struggles are both externally visible, and deeply internal. I feel his molding and pressing through the pressure I've been exposed to. I've learned to lean on him in an entirely different way than ever before. This time it's not financial, but it's entirely spiritual.

The past few years have taught me a lot of things about change. Moving to a new city, even if it does feel like home, is challenging, but starting a new job in a scary and tough environment, wow, I had no idea what I was getting myself into....

I'm excited to see where God leads me next. I wish I had the time, energy, and stamina to detail the lessons he's been teaching me, but for now let me leave you with this:

Through our darkest struggles, he is there carrying us. He upholds us with his righteous right hand. He gives us fiery arrows to shoot at our enemies. He hears us when we call, and he seeks our desire for him.

I've stopped looking at my future and daydreaming about what MIGTH be there, and I've started living for the present, which makes each day valuable and exciting. Waking up each morning knowing that this is yet another day God is going to do amazing things makes that 5:30 am alarm worthwhile.

And with that, I ask you, please remind me to update more often :)

New Job, New Lifestyle, etc...

My God has been good to me. So so good.

His timing has yet again proved perfect. He provided for me an opportunity through a series of events I could not have planned, or executed, in any way shape or form.

You see, I searched tirelessly for a job as a teacher in this city, since long before I even made the official decision to move. They need teachers in New York, right? It's a big city, lots of kids, lots of needs.

Enter hiring freeze.

A few days after my official decision to move was made, the NYC Department of Education issued a freeze that has yet to be lifted. What this means, is that, for the past year, not only have I not been able to get a job through the normal outlets, but everyone else who wants to be a teacher in this city was competing for the coveted private and charter school spots. My limited experience and lack of a masters degree put me in the bottom of that pool.

I did not allow discouragement to enter my heart. Romans 8:28, pretty much my life verse, tells us that all things happen for the good of those who are called according to his purpose. Believing that, I coated the situation in prayer.

While I was still teaching at Worley, I had a revelation one night, that despite my many attempts to reason why I COULDN'T go into ministry full-time, God was calling me to do so, and he would provide the way.

Enter Graffiti.

I moved here for a church. Unlike most people who move here with friends, or for a job, or because they had nothing better to do, I quit my job and moved here for a church. I felt no doubt in that decision. I prayed through it significantly, and here I am.

So, because I prayed for it, God's supposed to provide the job part right?

WELL, He didn't.... or at least, not in the way I had expected him to, and because of his unique way of getting me through, I learned more about myself, and EVEN MORE about God and his beautiful ways.

I'm more thankful for the past year than I can express in any sort of words.

BECAUSE I was working so many different and inconsistent jobs, God had to provide for me in really unique ways. This enabled me to see his little miracles in a way that I cannot deny this was all a part of his plan (see previous blog posts for examples...).

BECAUSE I was not employed full-time at any one place, my time was flexible. This meant I had more ability to adjust my schedule to work with Graffiti.

BECAUSE I had time to work at Graffiti, I was able to be there for the youth through a major transition, which, I feel like, made things go a bit smoother than they might have otherwise.

BECAUSE I worked with Graffiti all year, as opposed to just last summer, God solidified a calling in me. I now know that through his power, and not my own, I can manage to be in full-time ministry, and have submitted myself to that life.

And now, after all of that, among many many other things, NOW I have the job teaching. He said, "My child, here is an opportunity, take it, use it to get yourself stable financially, prepare your life for a future in service, and learn more."

This job came to me after I had stopped looking. I decided that I was perfectly okay with the fulfillment of his provision as I had been for the last year, and I stopped going out of my way to search. I was assigned to this school ONCE last year, and several weeks later, they did a book fair at my Barnes and Noble. I met the principal again, she remembered me, and asked for my resume. (note how BOTH of my other jobs were necessary for this scenario to have occurred)

I lost her email address, waited almost two months to respond, expected I'd never hear from her (as I hadn't heard from a single principal I'd emailed all year), and didn't.

at first.

But then, several weeks later, she called me in for a last-minute demo lesson, which, thanks to my awesomely flexible job, I was given last-minute time off to prepare. Then, I didn't hear from her....

I resolved myself to all the reasons why this was probably not a part of God's plan for my life. The hours would be crazy, I wouldn't be able to spend nearly as much time at Graffiti, I wouldn't have time to spend with him, etc...

Then she called.

I received an offer I couldn't pass up. Not only that, it's in a neighborhood I've fallen in love with over the past several months, as I practically live there and go running there almost daily. It's walking distance from my apartment, which is also a plus. That said, it's the home to the largest public housing facility in the country, is notorious for it's gang life, and the poverty level is EXTREMELY high. They need the love of Jesus.

I'm really praying through the ways God can use this for his Glory, and I how I can be intentional about that, whether it be through my relationships with my co-workers, through how I best steward the income he's provided to prepare myself for a future in his service, etc... whatever it may be, his timing is PERFECT and beautiful and awe-inspiring.

He also, because of using such perfect timing, and overcoming my jaded attitude, has taught me about his timing in other parts of my life as well, and has removed a bit of my overly jaded attitude in one particular aspect of my livelihood.

"Thank you Lord, for all you do. You are so incredible and your detailed craftsmanship astounds me daily. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this grand adventure and beautiful story. You don't need me, but I certainly need you, and I feel privileged to be a part of it all. Your grace is amazing, and covers me in my weaknesses and doubts. Please don't ever let me doubt you, or your mercies, and keep my focus on your will. Holy holy holy are you Lord. Amen"

Full Speed Ahead

People ask me all the time how it is that I can work as many hours as I do and still manage to breathe.

This week has been proof of just the way that happens, and none of it is because of me.

First of all, I am way ADD, and if I am not working intense hours in multiple places, I am more than bored, I am miserable. I don't do well with downtime. This is why I manage to fill my "downtime" with activities that stimulate my mind, and remind me of why I am here (God, praising him, serving him, etc...)

So in his way, God allows me to get by in a routine that is not only "survivable," but it is actually enjoyable.

Thursdays and Fridays are extremely long on my new schedule. Basically, after getting home late from church on Wednesday, I have to be up early on Thursday to hop the train to whatever school I've been assigned to for the day, only to run to the train after school so I can be at Barnes and Noble as close to my originally scheduled time as possible. Then, I work a full shift and get out after close, meaning I usually get home somewhere around 11:45. The next day, the exact same thing has to happen.

This week, I was assigned a job in my neighborhood for Thursday, which meant two things:

1.) No train for me to get to school

2.) No train for me to get to Barnes and Noble

Not using the subway gives more time to play with, as I didn't have to leave until much later, AND, I was able to come home for lunch (and take a nap....).

THEN, on Friday, I got out of work almost three hours earlier than planned. This enabled me to have an hour of time to myself in Downtown Brooklyn before heading off to Barnes and Noble. In that hour, I sat on a bench in front of Borough Hall in the sunshine while listening to the tunes of the keytar across from me, as a man used it to play everything from Michael Jackson to John Mayer. They were also filming Law and Order Criminal Intent on the street corner, where I saw Jeff Goldblum (who will forever be, to me, the quirky guy from Independence Day).

SATURDAY, I went for a run, which I planned on only doing for twenty to thirty minutes, as I haven't been keeping up and am out of shape

BUUUTTTTT

I ended up along the waterfront in Red Hook, which is now my favorite place in New York City. It's full of little bakeries, view of the harbor, old trolly cars, gardens, adorable houses, cobblestone streets, abandoned coffee factories... you get the point. There is apparently a man who sells key lime pies there that are supposed to be the best in the city. That's my next adventure. I then walked up Smith Street to work instead of Court and did some shopping both there, and at the Fulton Mall.

I call that a Saturday.

To round it all off, I have two days of subbing and Graffiti ahead of me, then I'm running to the airport, and hopping a plane to Chicago, where I plan to be completely lazy and unproductive for two whole days with my bestest friend in the whole wide world :) I see lots of really bad nineties movies in our future.

After Chicago, it's Mississippi for a wedding, some quality family time, and some adventures with friends I don't see often.

All in all, if you wonder how my schedule stays balanced, realize that these fantastic little breaks are constantly interspersed in there somewhere. It keeps me going. You just have to be willing to recognize those times. When you're life is overwhelming, be mindful of even the smallest breaks you have, and take the opportunity to thank God for them. Then, use them to take advantage of the places, people, and situations he's put into your life.

Continuing Education, Looking for Jobs, etc

I'm tired of talking about going to graduate school.

I keep wishing I had a masters, and missing school, so why am I holding out.

I have been making excuses about all of the little details that are required to get in. I also have put off applying because I couldn't choose a program.

Well, apparently the application deadline for the fall is April 1st at Hunter, and from my research, they have the best program choices, so I took it upon myself to start an application.

Last-minute, yes, but worth it, totally. Hunter doest require GRE or LAST (neither of which I have taken). One of the reasons I'd been putting off applying was that I had not taken them, but since they aren't required, I have no excuse.

I have chosen to apply for the adolescent literacy program, as my favorite part of planning lessons is literacy. Not to mention I have experience in adolescent literature and enjoy looking for ways to incorporate it into the classroom. People with literacy degrees can not only learn how to incorporate literacy into the classroom, but they can use it to be literacy specialists on a campus, a literacy consultant for various campuses, or a lieteracy tutor.

I am getting super excited about this next step, and I hope to stick with it. I hope it's not just my thought of the day. I need to do this for my sanity, and for my career.

Houseguests and Such

So, life has been super busy this past week or so.  It reminds me of why I love living in New York.

Last Tuesday, I worked a total of 14 hours between Barnes and Noble and working for Tricia, got home at midnight, went to work from 9 am to 5:30 pm the next day, then to Wednesday night stuff at church.  That night, I relaxed with a cup of cocoa, a warm blanket, and a John Krasenzki movie.  

I went on to work Thursday and Friday, and welcomed houseguests Friday night.  They've been here ever since, so I've spent a lot of time getting to enjoy New York, including a broadway show, and a room full of LSU fans watching the amazing Georgia.  We also went to the Brooklyn Bus Festival, and free admission to the transit museum (ummm, yes please!).  It's been great.  

Today was after-school, and of course, it made me smile :)  Those kids just warm my heart so much.  I wish I could just be with them every day.  Tuesday is the only day I dread my Barnes and Noble job, because it means I am missing the after-school program.  We talked about making sacrifices and turning away from ourselves today, which was really cool. Chris and I are trying to come up with ideas for our Sunday afternoon outings for the semester, and it is a lot harder than it seems, but I've been praying that we find some fun places to go and things to do where we can really spend time with the youth and pour love into them.  

The joy I have from knowing I am following my calling to be here at this phase of my life is overwhelming. I cannot express it in a way anyone can understand.  Taylor called me into his office today just to talk, and we talked about what it's been like and the emotions I've dealt with and just how hard it really is to step out on faith, but the rewards are so great and I am so thankful.  I really have the best and most supportive church family a girl could ask for.  I love them so much.  

Discipleship

The new semester is in full-force now.  This week we kick of Connections on Wednesday nights, which will be yet another opportunity we have during the week to reach students.

We've decided that our theme for the semester will be Discipleship.  We're talking about what it means to be a disciple, how we can become disciples, who are disciples we can look up to, etc...  This goes for Sunday small groups, after school program, and Wednesday nights.  

Of course, in the process of planning lessons and praying about what to teach these kids, I'm learning more and more about being a disciple myself, and it's been great.  The Lord has helped me to translate these thoughts in ways that the kids can understand, and I have to say, that is 100% NOT my doing, it's all him.  Random stories and examples pop into my head, and I cannot thank him enough for them. 

Yesterday in small group we talked about how much I love my job, to the point in which I go above and beyond to do my best.  I do this because it is something I'm passionate about, and because I know that the more I put into it, the more my  managers will appreciate my being there, and they will be on my side when needed.  I got a call the other day from the 86th street Barnes and Noble, who said they had talked to Baton Rouge and they desperately wanted me in their store because, apparently, BR gave me raving reviews (something I'd heard from Brooklyn as well....).  This only happened because I had done my job to the absolute best of my abilities when I was in BR.  I am doing the same in Brooklyn, and already, it pays off.  I can tell I've won favor with those above me in the rankings.  This could lead to a number of things like additional hours, lead positions, etc... I love my job and don't feel like I'm going above and beyond simply for these reasons, I do it because I love it, not for recognition. 

That said, there are people who get paid the same as me, and do just enough to get by and keep their job.  I could just as easily do that, and be fine, and no one would care, but I am passionate about what I do, so I do more.  

This is how we should be with Christ.  We could easily go through the motions and do the basics, but there is such joy in knowing you're serving him to the fullest capacity humanly possible.  This is how true discipleship works.  To want to go above and beyond.  To want to serve as best as possible.  To want to learn more and do more.  This is the theme I'm trying to relate to the students.  I just hope I can relate it well. 

My prayer is that Chris and I have the wisdom to teach these students this concept in a way that they will embrace it, and go with it.  I pray they will have open hearts, and that they will come wanting to learn more.  

Back in the Groove

Yesterday I interviewed for another job, and basically, they didn't even ask any questions, they just offered it to me.  I quickly accepted.

It is seasonal work, but it could also lead to some tutoring positions in the near future.  I'll be working for a government-funded academic agency as a Field Representative.  What this means is that I'll be going to school fairs and expos and such trying to recruit clients for the company.  I get paid per fair, and per client.  They do free tutoring (but they pay the tutors), and so recruiting clients shouldn't be too difficult.  The lady I spoke with told me she would put me down as being interested in tutoring as well, so that when they start hiring on new tutors, I could possibly join that team.  

The cool thing about this job is that it gets my foot into the door at schools, literally.  I'll be interacting with teachers, parent coordinators, principals, etc...  That's a big deal.  Praise the Lord. 

Though that seems like it would be yesterday's biggest event, it was not.  The whole experience, including round-trip transportation and the interview, took less than an hour of my day.  What yesterday REALLY revolved around was the first day of this semester's Graffiti After School Program.  We've been waiting a long time for this to get going.  I cannot even explain how much I've missed seeing those kids each day.  

One of them came in very winded and threw her arms around each of us and said, "I was so excited, I ran up the stairs to see you guys, and I am out of breath."  That made my day. 

Things went very well.  They were all super hyper, but it was mostly because they were so excited to be there, which really made my heart happy :)  We got a couple of new kids, but most of them were back from last year.  We're going to be revolving all of our Bible studies and devotions this semester about what it means to be a disciple of Christ.  This goes for all programs.  My prayer is that the Lord can use us to speak to them and to help them grow, while we grow ourselves.  

Provision

The Lord has provided once again.

Not only did he, for the third time since my decision to move, provide me with an unexpected paycheck, he has also been providing ample opportunities for me to earn money. 

I am working full-time at Barnes and Noble, and through this, will be receiving benefits in the near future.  I love my job, and though it doesn't pay well enough for me to live on that income alone, it is enjoyable.  

I have been networking with fellow LSU alumn at the game-watching parties, and through that, I've been working like crazy for one of them this week.  It's been a great source of extra income for the time being.  

I also got a call from another agency through which I can get tutoring clients.  I'm hoping this picks up soon and I can get started on that job.  That's the one that's going to bring home the bacon. 

Having a busy schedule has been great for me mental health.  I was going insane sitting around with nothing to do.  Always having something on my plate keeps me levelheaded.  It's like the same thrill I get after a long run.  Exhaustion fuels me.  

Keep the prayers coming.  They have been paying off.  I'm in no one 100% financially stable, but at least I know I can pay one more month's rent.  At this point, that's what matters most. 

Broken

Ever feel like you've been punched in the stomach?

That's me right now.  I am truly broken.  

Barnes and Noble hasn't called me back.  They told me they'd call me this week to come in to get started. I talked to a manager this morning who said he was going to speak with someone to see when they wanted me to start, but I have a bad fear that something went terribly wrong and that I'm completely back to square one. 

My money is really very low.  It is scary low. We're talking, if money doesn't come in soon, I may have to move low.  I know the Lord has good plans for my life, and that he will take care of me, but it's difficult not to worry.  

I feel as though I'm treading water and and getting nowhere but exhausted.  I got in with the tutoring agency I interviewed with earlier this week.  That is all great except that they can't guarantee me clients, and even if they do, it's going to be mid-October before that would start.  I know they will be able to find some for me, but that doesn't help me now. 

I'm remembering other times in my life when I felt discouraged and broken, and how God got me through them, and it helps, but it still doesn't remove the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had someone ask me yesterday if I thoroughly sought his guidance and his will when making my decision to move here, and though I know I did, it's times like these that cause me second guess myself in that area.  What if I am in the wrong place? What if I did misread him? I pray on this constantly.  I know exactly how I felt when I moved here, and there was no doubt in my mind I was making the right decision, but it's hard not to question when resources to stay are not falling into place.  

I am truly broken.  Please pray for this.  

Ups and Downs

I got a job at Barnes and Noble.

This is very exciting.  It is full-time, and after working 60 days, I am eligible for benefits.  Considering how much I loved my last Barnes and Noble job, I am very excited about working here in the city.  This location is in Downtown Brooklyn, right down the street from my favorite movie theater.  

That said, I was also very excited that I had started to line up tutoring clients.  At least two of the three of them seemed pretty legit, and were going to pay very well.  THEN I got the email I'd been dreading.  The one where it says "We sent you a check (yay), BUT, we sent it for the wrong amount and we need to you take out your share and wire us the rest of it." Or, as it should be better said "We're sorry, we don't need you to teach kids at all, we are in fact, trying to scam you into illegally sending us cash." 

I further researched this guy's email address only to find out he has no ties whatsoever to this agency.  

So now I'm back to square one with the tutoring stuff.  

Today, I am emailing the Transit Museum, who called me and told me to send them my information and resume because, even though they have just filled their education requirements for the fall, they are inevitably going to have more come up in the near future.  

This is very exciting for me.  Being a nerd, I LOVE that museum.  I pretty much read about the subways for fun...  (I found myself doing this for four hours yesterday).  SOOO, I would love the opportunity to work in their education department.  

For the few of you that read this, I ask that you continue to pray that tutoring jobs open up.  I have an interview with a legit agency here in the city tomorrow, and I would love it if that job could provide me with clients.  Thanks so much for your continued support.  

Moving Right Along

Though the job-search is stressful and Sometimes overwhelming, things seem to be moving along.

I have been dropping off applications at every Starbucks and Barnes and Noble I come across. Though I know I cannot live on what they pay me alone, a low paycheck is better than no paycheck at this point.

Tomorrow, I have a meeting with a temp agent who seems like he is very excited to help me. He was recommended by a friend, who not only recommended him to me, he also recommended me to him. This is a plus. Temp agencies are becoming my friends.

Just a few minutes ago, I recieved an email that one of the tutoring agencies I applied with has reviewed my application and has invited me to interview. It's one of the lower-paying agencies, but tutoring is flexible, and flexibility is a big deal in my life. I will be interviewing with them on September first. Please be in prayer for that.

This time off has really been teaching me to fully rely on God. Without him, I am nothing, and I cannot imagine how stressed and worried I would be right now. My friends and family have been super encouraging. Thank you for that. I am overwhelmed by the encouragement messages and prayers. I cannot thank everyone enough. I am not worried about what is going to happen because I know God has it all planned perfectly. I am supposed to be in New York right now, and he is going to make sure the right job comes along in a way that will still allow me to work with Graffiti, which is really why I am here.

Thanks again for all of your prayers. Keep 'em coming!

Red Beans and Rice Didn't Miss Her

So, I'm still jobless.

In an effort to relieve the stress of job hunting, as well as an attempt to productively use the time off I've been handed, I am learning to cook.  

My recent interest in all things food has inspired me to stop sitting around TALKING about cooking and watching others cook.  I'm cooking.  

Today's attempt, something cheap and easy for a low-income inexperienced chef: 

Red beans and rice. 

I've always been one to say never trust a recipe.  It's almost always better when you change things up a bit.  When I was in high school, I used to make roll-out cookies all the time, only there was something different about mine, and no one ever knew they were Pillsbury.  I could make them my own. 

Even my pancakes differ from the back of the Jemima box.  I add and tweak to make it unique to me.  Pancakes have become my specialty.  

The red beans and rice were no exception to my add and tweak rule.  I have to say, for my first attempt at such a special dish, they came out pretty darn good. I have some changes I want to make for next time, but isn't that how the best of recipes are created?  

So now, I'm going to enjoy my red beans, which have a unique taste I've never experienced before now.  The rest will be frozen, which means they only get better with time.  

Workin' hard for the money

Going back to work is very difficult when you know it's coming to an end, and your eye is on the prize.

My kids can tell I'm not focused, which makes it even worse.  They don't want to do anything, and frankly, neither do I.  With only four weeks left, we have a lot to cover, but they have reached the point where they feel like, with only four weeks left, we shouldn't cover anything. 

It's frustrating.  Very frustrating.  I've given up on discipline though.  At this point, detention only serves as a waste of my time.  Punishwork is never complete, and honestly, I don't really feel like failing 20 students simply because they refuse to participate.  I'm just gonna go in, present the work, if they do it, great, if not, that's their problem, and if they choose to learn, then we will learn.  It is that simple. 

I am going to do my best over the next four weekends to get the house clean and get my stuff packed and ready to go.  I have a lot of work to do around here to get ready to leave.  I need to organize and figure out what things are worth keeping, and among those things, which will move with me.  It's overwhelming, but I have to get it done.  When I stop and think about where they are going, my desire to get organized comes back, and I am more driven.  

Five weeks from today, at this very hour, I will be on a plane.  I'm gonna be a part of it. 

And so it is...

I'm pretty sure losing a student in the middle of LEAP testing is one of the crappiest things that could happen.

Last night I got a call that the rumor around Westwego was that one of our students, one of my beloved First Period kids, had collapsed at the mall and died.  This is the class I have the best relationship with.  I hoped it was just rumor, and when I got to school, the principal hadn't heard yet, so I assumed it was just that.  

Then, when I told the principal what had been said, she called the mother, and confirmed that he had, in fact, died last night.  I knew my first period would be distraught, and saw some of them walking around in a daze.  I was very upset, and had some counselors come to my room since I knew the first people in here would be his class.  We decided to cancel testing for the day, since none of these kids would be capable of taking a Reading Comprehension test today.  

It was hard to see some of my most "macho" kids watery eyed and unable to talk.  After sitting in silence for about half an hour, I finally put on a movie so we could try to break the tension.  They kids are now talking and trying to refocus.  I keep hearing them tell stories about "Buck," as they called him.  He currently as a 100% average in my class, and I've never once had a behavior problem with him.  As a matter of fact, if I had to rank the top five students who give me joy, I definitely would have put him on it.  He was truly a joy to teach.  I brag about him to other teachers all the time.  

It's been a rough day, and I don't quite know how it's going to affect our test scores, but for now, we're coping the best we can.  Please be in prayer for our school today.