No Greater Victory

Full Circle.

That's what I'd like to call the last six months of my life. After a year of searching, I got a job teaching in Brooklyn, then, six months later, I am again unemployed. That appears to be full circle.

Only it's not. You see, those six months taught me crucial and strong lessons, and rather than a full circle, I'd like to think of it as a great leap forward.

From about week four, things have been shady at my workplace. My kids were AMAZING, like, incredibly amazing, in ways I cannot describe. For their presence in my life I will be forever thankful. Each of them had something special to share with me, and there is not a single one I feel I could have done without. I will miss them daily, but I at least know I can continue to pray for them as they make their way to great things. And yes, they will do great things. I'd like to think that in the short time I was in their lives, I was a part of that.

Now, I won't go into great detail over the shadiness I witnessed, or the many injustices I feel me, my coworkers, and my children suffered through at the hands of big egos, but what I will say is that it has been a true test of faith. God has shown me how to 100% hand the reigns over to him. I would not have survived this long without his help.

I went to work each day coated in the armor described in Ephesians 6. Each morning, I woke up to spend time in the word. The worse things got, the earlier I woke up. Though I lived but a ten minute walk away, I awoke between 5:15 and 5:30 so I could soak up the necessary nourishment I needed to get through each challenging day. (I also consumed lots of coffee, but that's a different thing altogether).

Just today, I heard a pastor say "Sometimes Satan's greatest tool is to give us exactly what we want." That's exactly what happened with this job. It seemed so perfect I couldn't pass it up, knowing that deep down, I was being tugged the other way by the force that I usually am able to follow. But for some reason, I chose otherwise. I now put myself in a position of full on spiritual warfare. Not just minor battles, but flaming arrows as described in Ephesians. It was like the Hunger Games being waged in my soul. But armed with Christ, I pressed on.

It would appear that being "terminated" would be Satan winning. But oh how true is the contrary. I had been waiting for an out for a while, and praying that God would either give me the strength to leave, let me out, or help me regain my vision and purpose. Well, he did the last two. I regained my vision, and then was let go, and I've never felt better.

THAT, friends, is victory in Jesus. When you can lose a job, and be truly ecstatic about it. I immediately extended my trip home from one week to three. Hello Mardi Gras, and I left for Washington, DC two days earlier than planned, where I had a FANTASTIC time by the way.

I've had overwhelming support from concerned parents at the school, who also witness the injustices there and are glad I got out. They have reassured me that my time there was worth the impact it made, and that is all the comfort I need.

I've witnessed an LSU National Championship (among many other nail biting games). I've seen the Saints win the Superbowl after a never ending series of heartaches, but I now know what it's like to watch God outright win a raging spiritual battle, and man it feels SWEET! I cannot imagine a greater victory.

So it's been a while

I keep promising myself I'm going to update.

but honestly

i'm too tired.

I'm too tired because I work like, 70 hours a week.

but wait a second, I worked like, 70 hours a week when I had THREE jobs. This is just one...

I work a LOT. A lot a lot. I work to advance the minds of great 7th graders. My kids are classic. They're amazing in ways I cannot describe in words. I wake up every morning excited to see them.

These past five months have been extremely difficult, and I cannot go into too much detail here, but lets just say I've learned a LOT about what happens when you are not at peace with a decision, and how God, like any good father, picks you up when you've fallen and been broken simply because you didn't listen to him and heed his warnings.

My struggles are both externally visible, and deeply internal. I feel his molding and pressing through the pressure I've been exposed to. I've learned to lean on him in an entirely different way than ever before. This time it's not financial, but it's entirely spiritual.

The past few years have taught me a lot of things about change. Moving to a new city, even if it does feel like home, is challenging, but starting a new job in a scary and tough environment, wow, I had no idea what I was getting myself into....

I'm excited to see where God leads me next. I wish I had the time, energy, and stamina to detail the lessons he's been teaching me, but for now let me leave you with this:

Through our darkest struggles, he is there carrying us. He upholds us with his righteous right hand. He gives us fiery arrows to shoot at our enemies. He hears us when we call, and he seeks our desire for him.

I've stopped looking at my future and daydreaming about what MIGTH be there, and I've started living for the present, which makes each day valuable and exciting. Waking up each morning knowing that this is yet another day God is going to do amazing things makes that 5:30 am alarm worthwhile.

And with that, I ask you, please remind me to update more often :)

New Job, New Lifestyle, etc...

My God has been good to me. So so good.

His timing has yet again proved perfect. He provided for me an opportunity through a series of events I could not have planned, or executed, in any way shape or form.

You see, I searched tirelessly for a job as a teacher in this city, since long before I even made the official decision to move. They need teachers in New York, right? It's a big city, lots of kids, lots of needs.

Enter hiring freeze.

A few days after my official decision to move was made, the NYC Department of Education issued a freeze that has yet to be lifted. What this means, is that, for the past year, not only have I not been able to get a job through the normal outlets, but everyone else who wants to be a teacher in this city was competing for the coveted private and charter school spots. My limited experience and lack of a masters degree put me in the bottom of that pool.

I did not allow discouragement to enter my heart. Romans 8:28, pretty much my life verse, tells us that all things happen for the good of those who are called according to his purpose. Believing that, I coated the situation in prayer.

While I was still teaching at Worley, I had a revelation one night, that despite my many attempts to reason why I COULDN'T go into ministry full-time, God was calling me to do so, and he would provide the way.

Enter Graffiti.

I moved here for a church. Unlike most people who move here with friends, or for a job, or because they had nothing better to do, I quit my job and moved here for a church. I felt no doubt in that decision. I prayed through it significantly, and here I am.

So, because I prayed for it, God's supposed to provide the job part right?

WELL, He didn't.... or at least, not in the way I had expected him to, and because of his unique way of getting me through, I learned more about myself, and EVEN MORE about God and his beautiful ways.

I'm more thankful for the past year than I can express in any sort of words.

BECAUSE I was working so many different and inconsistent jobs, God had to provide for me in really unique ways. This enabled me to see his little miracles in a way that I cannot deny this was all a part of his plan (see previous blog posts for examples...).

BECAUSE I was not employed full-time at any one place, my time was flexible. This meant I had more ability to adjust my schedule to work with Graffiti.

BECAUSE I had time to work at Graffiti, I was able to be there for the youth through a major transition, which, I feel like, made things go a bit smoother than they might have otherwise.

BECAUSE I worked with Graffiti all year, as opposed to just last summer, God solidified a calling in me. I now know that through his power, and not my own, I can manage to be in full-time ministry, and have submitted myself to that life.

And now, after all of that, among many many other things, NOW I have the job teaching. He said, "My child, here is an opportunity, take it, use it to get yourself stable financially, prepare your life for a future in service, and learn more."

This job came to me after I had stopped looking. I decided that I was perfectly okay with the fulfillment of his provision as I had been for the last year, and I stopped going out of my way to search. I was assigned to this school ONCE last year, and several weeks later, they did a book fair at my Barnes and Noble. I met the principal again, she remembered me, and asked for my resume. (note how BOTH of my other jobs were necessary for this scenario to have occurred)

I lost her email address, waited almost two months to respond, expected I'd never hear from her (as I hadn't heard from a single principal I'd emailed all year), and didn't.

at first.

But then, several weeks later, she called me in for a last-minute demo lesson, which, thanks to my awesomely flexible job, I was given last-minute time off to prepare. Then, I didn't hear from her....

I resolved myself to all the reasons why this was probably not a part of God's plan for my life. The hours would be crazy, I wouldn't be able to spend nearly as much time at Graffiti, I wouldn't have time to spend with him, etc...

Then she called.

I received an offer I couldn't pass up. Not only that, it's in a neighborhood I've fallen in love with over the past several months, as I practically live there and go running there almost daily. It's walking distance from my apartment, which is also a plus. That said, it's the home to the largest public housing facility in the country, is notorious for it's gang life, and the poverty level is EXTREMELY high. They need the love of Jesus.

I'm really praying through the ways God can use this for his Glory, and I how I can be intentional about that, whether it be through my relationships with my co-workers, through how I best steward the income he's provided to prepare myself for a future in his service, etc... whatever it may be, his timing is PERFECT and beautiful and awe-inspiring.

He also, because of using such perfect timing, and overcoming my jaded attitude, has taught me about his timing in other parts of my life as well, and has removed a bit of my overly jaded attitude in one particular aspect of my livelihood.

"Thank you Lord, for all you do. You are so incredible and your detailed craftsmanship astounds me daily. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this grand adventure and beautiful story. You don't need me, but I certainly need you, and I feel privileged to be a part of it all. Your grace is amazing, and covers me in my weaknesses and doubts. Please don't ever let me doubt you, or your mercies, and keep my focus on your will. Holy holy holy are you Lord. Amen"

Dave Barnes Lyrics

I've been skipping this song on my iPod since the album came out in April because I don't usually like Johnny Lang, BUT i finally listened to it and it is BEAUTIFUL. Now I walk down the street jammin and singing to the Lord like crazy. I am sharing these lyrics:

"What I Need"
I got a head full of dreams
And time here to scheme.
This ain't good

I'm thinking, you know
About what did and didn't go
Like it should

All of these expectations
Just mean my heart will be breaking
Why can't I see?

You give me what I need
Even on the brightest day
Even in a hurricane

You give me what I need
Even when there's way too much
Even when I'm down to dust

I troubled with time
But it's will was not mine
There's no slowin', where it was going

The wishes I willed
All came back fulfilled
I was praying, without patience

All of those expectations
Just meant my heart was breaking
Why can't I see?

I keep calm, carry on
Like nothing ever went wrong
That's what I'm gonna do
Laugh it off, move along
Get back where I belong
Live my life by leaning on you

Returned Blessings

I've had time for a social life lately. This has been amazing. In the midst of that, I've had much more time to spend in the Lower East Side. This has provided opportunity after opportunity to try new places, see new faces, and really plug into the neighborhood of my beloved church. It has also made me have a strong itch to move into the area. This is one of my most recent prayers: that God would provide a way for me to have affordable housing near Graffiti, as I have really, more than ever, seen the importance lately of living near my church. I'm starting to see people we minister to out and about, and have also had the opportunity to open up conversation with some folks who are really interested in what goes on there. It's been beautiful.

Tonight, I had an experience that really shook up the way I feel about what I do at Graffiti, in a good way.

Mackenzie and I had decided to spend the night shopping for cupcakes and visiting Chris at work, but when we met up after my super-awesome mani/pedi/massage time, she was hungry for dinner. Me, having just had my nails done, and knowing we were going for both cupcakes and ice cream, suggested we get something cheap and light.

We ended up at the neighborhood favorite, Odessa. I've been there a thousand times, and each time I love how it makes me feel at home. How I feel like I have a place where the faces are familiar and the food is comfortable.

After ordering our dinner, in walked Eddie. Eddie is a guy who is at Graffiti's Wednesday Night Meal every week, and has been since long before I was at Graffiti. If he goes missing for a little while, I make sure I give him a hard time about it. We tease each other often. As he sat down, I shouted across the diner, "Hey Eddie, are you in here to cause trouble?" He turned and made some sarcastic remark I couldn't make out (Eddie is sometimes really hard to understand). We talked across the restaurant a few more times during dinner, making jokes, cutting up.... At one point, I saw him pointing at me and Mackenzie and whispering something to the waiter . I joked, "Eddie, what on earth kinda trouble you trying to start??? Who you telling that guy about us??!!"

"Aww hush," he responded. "Nothing, I'm not telling him nothing."

I found myself at one point wondering "Hmm, maybe it'd be nice if we paid for Eddie's dinner, I mean, he comes to our free meals and those sorts of things, it might be nice to cover his check for him." Judgmental of me, I guess, assuming that eating out was probably something he couldn't afford to do. After all, it's really not something I could afford to do.

As Eddie stood up to leave, Mackenzie and I were still waiting on the waiter to bring us our bill. She had slipped away for a second, and Eddie turned to me and said "Don't you worry about your food, neither of you, I got it covered." Puzzled, I looked at him and said, "huh?" (like I said, sometimes Eddie's hard to understand).

"I said, both of you, your meal is paid for, don't worry about it."

As he walked out the door, I looked at the waiter and said "Did that guy just buy us dinner?"

"Yeah, he did," said the man at the counter.

All these years of ministering to this person, and on a night when I was worried about dinner because I'd spent my money on something frivolous (mani/pedi/massage, remember?), he buys me a meal. My heart was bursting. I cannot believe that here I was, worried about him paying for his own bill, then worried about mine, and he covered both. It's amazing how God takes the little things we do and turns them into blessings.

Lots of people have bought me food over the years. Many times, it has been meaningful, and at times of need, but no meal that was purchased for my by any other person has ever meant as much as this one.