Freedom isn't Free

While living the life I never expected (and being super thankful for it), I also have come to realize how much of me is still stuck on the life I expected.

This last month or so has been quite the eye opener in terms of where I am right now. The truth is. I don't know where I am. That's the problem.

When people look at my life, they often note that I have all the freedom in the world and they're so jealous and blah blah blah, but folks let me tell you

FREEDOM IS SCARY.

Too scary. To a certain extent, one seeks freedom to make choices, and I understand the blessing that this is. I get that right now, God could call me to do just about anything anywhere and I could do it (minus that whole finance issue, but I don't really ever worry about such things). Unfortunately, he hasn't made it super clear where he wants me right now.

I'm learning patience in terms of his calling. I am having to realize that for now, I need to sit back and just enjoy the ride, but never knowing what the next day will hold is nerve wracking.

I went home last week for a wedding, and I just returned Thursday night. While at home, I came to the realization that if I would have missed my flight on Wednesday, I could I have simply stayed there, found a quick job, and been in the exact same position I'm in in NY. No home of my own, no real job, no real commitments. It would not affect anyone. I would not be putting anyone into a bind. I would simply be transferring my life to another location. When home is as wonderful as it is, it's difficult to resist the temptation to do just that. I could sing more, I could spend more time with my family, I could attend the thousand and one wonderful spring and summer events in South Louisiana. Very very very very very very tempting.

But I didn't miss the flight. I picked up a snoball and a mochasippi and made my way to the airport.

Then I got delayed.... in Chicago. Upon landing I received a text from the airline stating that my flight had been moved back about 2 and a half hours, meaning I wouldn't get back to NY until one AM (not cool). So, since I have all the freedom in the world, I simply asked Southwest to switch my flight to Thursday night, and I had a sleepover at Jessica's house. All day Thursday, I roamed the streets of Chicago with no plan, and no direction.

I then had the same realization as before. I could have missed my flight out of Midway that night (and I ALMOST DID), got a job in chicago, crashed on Jessica's couch for a while, and it'd be no different then what I was doing in NY right now.

DO YOU KNOW HOW SCARY THAT IS???

I probably sound like a spoiled brat right now. But really. I'm learning to lean on God in a totally different way than I ever have before. I'm an emotional wreck. I'm seeking his direction on so many levels. I know much of it will be resolved when I find out if and where I'm going to school next year, but still, that leaves decisions about what to do in the meantime wide open.

His plans are not my plans. Believe me. He's really made that nice and clear. It's humbling though to be twenty five going on twenty six, and to feel like you've accomplished NOTHING in terms of your calling and goals, and to wonder why that is. Why is he waiting so long for my life to start. Why am I twenty five, with student loans, and no significant place in anyone's life but my own. It's so hard not to be self centered in these situations, and I HATE being self-centered. I just want to feel like I'm working toward SOMETHING significant. I want to feel needed somewhere. Right now, I don't feel that way.

So yes, freedom seems great. When no one is depending on you there's a definitely release of burdens, but God's calling is to help others, and not having anyone depending on me is one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. I just can't wait to see where he's going with this one.

Something big's about to happen. I know it. I just know it.

30 Red and Pink Balloons

Though I've been single on Valentines Day for twenty five straight years, last year marked another reason to sit back, reflect, and celebrate this day... and it has nothing to do with romance.

On this day last year one chapter in this epic page turner I live ended, and I moved on to a new one. It's been quite the journey on this life I never planned.

In the past year, I've been on stage with some of my favorite artists, I've lived in one of Chicago's finest neighborhoods (as well as one of New York's), I've moved out of an apartment I thought I'd be in for the remainder of my time in NYC, I've made decisions about my future, I've cleaned up bad decisions from my past, etc. etc.

I can't say I'm disappointed. I wake up each day honestly never knowing what's going to happen next, and I try my hardest to take the time to see how God is blessing me through each unpredictable day.

So as I walked through the streets of Washington Heights carrying 30 red and pink balloons today, I couldn't help but laugh and smile and realize what a crazy life I live, from riding in cabs with major music/TV stars to putting band-aids on two year old hands. Though none of this is anywhere close to where I pictured myself being at this stage in life, I am enjoying the ride, being completely blind to where the next turn will take me.

I leave you with a clip of one of the strangest songs from one of the creepiest shows I know, Yo Gabba Gabba. This plays on repeat sometimes now that I'm living with kids under five (and the balloons today had it stuck in my head). I warn you, it will be stuck in your brain:

Perspective

In the post below, note how I said that God was going to do something big and miraculous through this situation, and he didn't disappoint.

Upon reading a facebook post of mine about how I was going to be effectively homeless at the end of January, a dear friend offered up her home for my enjoyment while I save money and look for a new place. I am now sitting on a my futon in the Upper West Side living room of my friend's place, where I have been living for nearly two weeks now with her and her two beautiful boys.

Each time I step out of the train at Central Park West, walk over one block, and take the elevator up to be greeted at the door by two sweet hilarious preschool aged kids, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and praise for God's provision. I am now living in the most convenient location I can imagine for my work, and I am loving every minute of the company of a friend I admire in so many ways. (I'm also completely enamored by the ability to do laundry by simply taking an elevator down four floors and dropping it in the washer, then going back home to watch TV and be productive while it washes....)

I've been doing a lot of tutoring in homes I feel I could write volumes about, and with kids who are functioning nowhere near their grade level, but I will try to be more disciplined in writing those stories as they happen because there are too many things I learn to fit into one blog post. Suffice it to say that being in a home where Mom doesn't work, Dad's in jail, there are six kids from infant to seventeen, and the TV is the only thing drowning out the constant high-volume screaming has made me realize more than ever how privileged I am. Here I was worried about having a place to stay, when I knew that ANY situation God placed me in would be better than the dirty apartment in which this family resides. My God is way too good to me.

I also want to shout out my friends who helped me move for making me feel so loved. Chris, Courtney, and Hilton showed up at my apartment on a Saturday morning so they could spend the beautiful day carting my things between apartments, a storage unit, and a UHaul truck. Elizabeth called me upon finishing her work for the day and asked if she could join the party. None of these friends asked for anything out of the deal, they were simply loving. Elizabeth even went so far as to treat me to Shake Shack so I could relax once it was all said and done. Upon my return to my new place, I walked in to find that Karen had already organized my things and had bought me a welcome present. I've never been so overjoyed from the unconditional love my God gives me and manifests through my friends. I do not know how I would function without them.

I will do my best to be more diligent in updating this blog, as I daily have stories I could tell, but for now, I'm fighting sleep and am way past my bedtime

Do not be anxious

Such simple words. Yet so hard to follow.

I have been very anxious lately, and I'm having to remind myself that, in all of the anxiety I've experienced in the last few years, God has come through in big, unforeseeable ways.

You see, when I was working at Summit, my anxiety was all work related. I was struggling to keep up with the extra things that were constantly being dumped on my plate, and I felt as though I was constantly treading water but not going forward. I eventually reached a point where I had a routine and was no longer stressed over my workload, but my constant interactions with a person who was completely unhealthy for me fed this anxiety in a way I've never experienced before. I learned to lean on the Lord in ways I hadn't before. I never struggled financially though, and that relief was a nice rest from the off and on ups and downs of my money situation I had experienced previous to that job.

I am now back in the money crisis again, and though I know the Lord will come through, I'm having to force myself not to hit doomsday scenario in my brain, because, after all, even at doomsday what's the worst that could happen? I overanalyze and work through every possible SOLUTION, but none of them seems like a solution without a miracle.

Yet, when have I not experienced miracles? I think back to this post from right after I moved here, and I'm mind-blown that, when I thought things were at their worst, somehow he came through, and I didn't have to move home (which is, in my mind, typically the "doomsday" scenario I think of- even though moving home is my eventual goal and I'd be perfectly happy to do so if the time was right). I have to remind myself that I know God wants me here right now, so he will provide. I've just got to learn to be more responsible with my finances. Big time.

You see, I have to find a new apartment, and FAST, and without any money to do so. PLUS I have to pay off expenses for this place before I can move out (though the details of all of that are quite boring and I'll save you). Essentially, at the end of January, I either need a financial miracle, or a place to stay while I house all of my things in a storage unit. I'm not really sure how that's all going to work out. PLUS, my student loans are eating at my heels, and here I am trying to apply to grad school, which costs money, while paying application fees. Aye aye aye.

I KNOW it will all work out, but I'm struggling to remember that whole Matthew 6:34 "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient is the day for its own trouble." I live in future thought, and it's driving me nuts.

Also, Jesus didn't really have a place to live either. "Foxes have dens and birds have nests but the savior has nowhere to rest his head." (Matt 8:20). duh. pay attention, Danielle.

I'm so ready to see how God intervenes in this situation, as he always does. I KNOW he has me here for now for a reason, and after a "oh my goodness New Orleans is even more amazing than I've ever remembered" vacation where I seriously considered throwing in the towel and moving back home, I IMMEDIATELY felt a sense of peace and belonging the second I returned to this city. I know he has a plan and it involves New York, I'm just ready to see how he continues to make that happen.

Believe me, if there's anything I've learned in the last three years, it's that he provides in big ways, and I LOVE seeing how he does it. It's incredible, and totally manifests my dependence on him. I guess he just got tired of seeing me try to do things on my own for a while.

What's your cookie dough?

I attempted to go to bed early last night when a very lengthy (and I mean like, 5 message long) text came through on my phone. This friend and I have been through the trenches together. We were partners n crime in the times with both of us were furthest from the Lord, and now, as we grow in our faith, we constantly pray for each other and get to encourage one another through totally different seasons in life. No amount of sleep is ever worth losing this precious correspondence with a dear friend, especially when one of us needs prayer.

So as I read through the texts and prayed about what I could say to encourage my friend, an analogy came to mind.

We were discussing how, even though we know we've been forgiven by the Lord, and we are totally different people than we once were, it sometimes feels as though we've lived two different lives, and that the one we live now is not the one we planned for.

and its not

cuz our plans aren't the same as the Lord's until we are focused on him and his will.

"The heart of a man plans his way but the LORD determines his steps" - Proverbs 16-9

My friend and I are both bakers, and I was able to draw from my own struggles and come up with the following analogy:

Imagine you are in the kitchen, baking cookies for a bake sale (or some other similar event). You've gotten about halfway through the process of blending all your ingredients, when the coordinator calls you and says "Oh my goodness, you're baking cookies?! But I REALLY need you to make brownies! I told you that! We've got plenty of cookies."

So you look down at the half-mixed batch of cookies you've got going and your heart sinks. You weren't paying attention to the specifics of her request the first time around, you were just eager to help. You're intentions are in the right place. You've been craving the cookies. There's nothing wrong with the cookies. They're gonna be great, and you've put a lot of work and used up much of your stock of basic ingredients.

You, being the clever kitchen problem solver, start to think of ways you can stretch what you have left, dig out some of the cookie ingredients, use the basic mix you've already started, and get some brownies goin!

No problem. There's gotta be a way.

But the more you add and mix and try to manipulate, the brownies, though coming together, still have these remnants of cookie dough in them, and it's just one big ole hot mess. The more you try to mix, the more frustrated you get.

You think "Why couldn't she just be satisfied with the cookies? What's wrong with cookies?" and you know the answer: nothing. The cookies are good, they're just not what you were asked to make.

You are so stuck on incorporating the cookies and not wasting all those ingredients, so you just keep trying to make it work, when honestly, sometimes you just have to sacrifice your previous attempts in order to get better brownies.

This might take a trip to the store so you're not trying to squeeze what you can outta what you've got left, doing some dishes, cleaning out all of the excess, but in the end, the brownies are even better than the cookies you planned to make, and MUCH more helpful to the cookie-overloaded bake sale.

Our plans are truly like this. I know for me, I spent my whole life planning for things to turn out one way, and I keep trying to salvage bits of that so that it doesn't all go to waste, despite the fact that I know good and well what God really wants for me. In MY plans, I figured by now I'd be married, with a kid or two, and I'd be teaching while raising my little family.

Obviously, this is not how my life turned out, and I am in no way sad about this, but I had to realize, sometimes dying to myself means letting go of the cookie dough.

We have to be willing to let go of our own dreams, even if they're good ones. Yes, I often feel defeated when I think about this, in the same way that I would not want to run to the store to get more sugar when I know I could find a way to save the sugar and still make brownies. But in the end, running to the store is the better option. I am learning daily how to align my dreams with the Lord's plans for me, but in that, it means I often have to toss my silly fleeting ones out.

I have to realize that the life I have is NOT the one I planned, it's better. But I still have to make up for my mistakes from the times when I was NOT seeking his will. Thankfully, he's always willing to drive me to the store and buy the new butter. I just have to be willing to get in the car.

I keep pulling more and more from this analogy, so I'll stop before it starts to get ridiculous.

But I leave you with this: What's your cookie dough?