This last month or so has been quite the eye opener in terms of where I am right now. The truth is. I don't know where I am. That's the problem.
When people look at my life, they often note that I have all the freedom in the world and they're so jealous and blah blah blah, but folks let me tell you
FREEDOM IS SCARY.
Too scary. To a certain extent, one seeks freedom to make choices, and I understand the blessing that this is. I get that right now, God could call me to do just about anything anywhere and I could do it (minus that whole finance issue, but I don't really ever worry about such things). Unfortunately, he hasn't made it super clear where he wants me right now.
I'm learning patience in terms of his calling. I am having to realize that for now, I need to sit back and just enjoy the ride, but never knowing what the next day will hold is nerve wracking.
I went home last week for a wedding, and I just returned Thursday night. While at home, I came to the realization that if I would have missed my flight on Wednesday, I could I have simply stayed there, found a quick job, and been in the exact same position I'm in in NY. No home of my own, no real job, no real commitments. It would not affect anyone. I would not be putting anyone into a bind. I would simply be transferring my life to another location. When home is as wonderful as it is, it's difficult to resist the temptation to do just that. I could sing more, I could spend more time with my family, I could attend the thousand and one wonderful spring and summer events in South Louisiana. Very very very very very very tempting.
But I didn't miss the flight. I picked up a snoball and a mochasippi and made my way to the airport.
Then I got delayed.... in Chicago. Upon landing I received a text from the airline stating that my flight had been moved back about 2 and a half hours, meaning I wouldn't get back to NY until one AM (not cool). So, since I have all the freedom in the world, I simply asked Southwest to switch my flight to Thursday night, and I had a sleepover at Jessica's house. All day Thursday, I roamed the streets of Chicago with no plan, and no direction.
I then had the same realization as before. I could have missed my flight out of Midway that night (and I ALMOST DID), got a job in chicago, crashed on Jessica's couch for a while, and it'd be no different then what I was doing in NY right now.
DO YOU KNOW HOW SCARY THAT IS???
I probably sound like a spoiled brat right now. But really. I'm learning to lean on God in a totally different way than I ever have before. I'm an emotional wreck. I'm seeking his direction on so many levels. I know much of it will be resolved when I find out if and where I'm going to school next year, but still, that leaves decisions about what to do in the meantime wide open.
His plans are not my plans. Believe me. He's really made that nice and clear. It's humbling though to be twenty five going on twenty six, and to feel like you've accomplished NOTHING in terms of your calling and goals, and to wonder why that is. Why is he waiting so long for my life to start. Why am I twenty five, with student loans, and no significant place in anyone's life but my own. It's so hard not to be self centered in these situations, and I HATE being self-centered. I just want to feel like I'm working toward SOMETHING significant. I want to feel needed somewhere. Right now, I don't feel that way.
So yes, freedom seems great. When no one is depending on you there's a definitely release of burdens, but God's calling is to help others, and not having anyone depending on me is one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. I just can't wait to see where he's going with this one.
Something big's about to happen. I know it. I just know it.