"And Israel said to Joseph, 'I never expected to see your face; and behold, God has let me see your offspring also." - Genesis 48:11
I should be asleep. After a tiring weekend including an invigorating Bikrim Yoga session, a 5-year-old birthday party (with an intoxicated juggler), paper writing, and an excursion with my Graffiti kids, I ventured straight into a Monday that started with teaching "Test Prep Camp"(NOT camp, FYI, mandatory three hours of school for third and fourth grade girls), going to Graffiti for "Teen Week!" (yay!), scanning textbooks in Bobst, reading (which is something I have a whole separate blog post to write about), and attending two classes... Got home at 9, showered, and had a WEE bit of time for the word (I overslept again this morning and missed out on my morning Jesus time - which I prefer).
Anyway, so to say the least, I am tired, and I should be asleep, because tomorrow is not much different. BUT I decided to write a bit about what's going on in my head and heart, and what God has been teaching me.
I've alluded to this before, but I haven't talked about it much - as it's something I'm only recently feeling comfortable discussing with more than a select few people - but my deepest struggle spiritually is the fact that I'm almost 27 (eek!) and I've still never had a boyfriend (and typing that still feels incredibly awkward). Why is it a spiritual struggle? Because it's become an idol. This idea of wanting to get married but not really seeing it happening anytime soon, if at all, it can be distracting...
I am legitimately praying the same prayers I've been praying since I was like, twelve, and everyone else started "going out" with boys and I still wasn't on that boat. Each passing year I thought "maybe THIS year," but so many years later, it still hasn't happened.
I won't detail all of the thoughts I have on this topic tonight, because they are varied and I actually feel as though I could write a book on it - and frankly, I don't have the time or energy to write a whole bok tonight, BUT I will discuss a little bit about my current struggle and what God's trying to show me through it.
The truth is, I am so jaded by the process of developing feelings for some guy and having him have absolutely NO interest whatsoever, or having plenty of guy friends I'd date if they ever asked - but none of them do, or getting asked out by the most awkward of awkward guys if ever I DO get asked out, that I legitimately feel as though this is never going to happen. We like to throw the word "never" around as an exaggeration, but actually cannot picture it ever happening at this point. Ever. and just typing that makes me want to throw my computer against the wall.
I cannot for the life of me pinpoint just what it is that I'm doing wrong here. I sometimes feel as though there's a secret code word no one is telling me about that lets you enter the dating/romance world. Like it's the exclusive club everyone else gets to join an I just have to look in from the outside while eating pint after pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.
One of my favorite move lines comes from Sleepless in Seattle. When Annie (Meg Ryan) is discussing her search for real love in relation to An Affair to Remember, her best friend (Rosie O'Donnell) steps in and says" That's your problem! You don't want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie!"
Maybe that's MY problem. Maybe I've seen When Harry Met Sally too many times. But the truth is, the idea of having an idealistic Norah Ephron-esque love story seems no less impossible to me than having a legitimate one. It really has become that far-fetched of an idea for me, and that's scary.
I had a moment the other day where I ACTUALLY gave up hope. I was all "hey God, I know you're bigger than everything, but at this point I feel like this is it. I have no hope, and I just need you to make me comfortable with being alone forever."
Seriously. I prayed that. I can't even let myself think about it anymore. I felt like at this point I'm starting to get too used to it just being me, and even if I don't WANT it to just be me, maybe I'll be totally unable to cope with the change if it were to come, so God's just not going to send anyone my way. I think crazy stuff like this.
I was reading tonight in Genesis, where Joseph brings his sons to Israel and Israel is all "I NEVER thought I'd see your face and now I see your offspring" (I quoted it correctly at the intro...) and I resonated with him in a really strange way. He had that legitimate hopeless feeling, and God blessed him with what he desired anyway, even though he'd pretty much given up.
I don't know if God has plans to bless me with the answer I want to this prayer, and I am also continuing to pray that if he doesn't give me what my Earthly self desires, that he'll help this hard-headed romantic to be comfortable with his plan without it, but reading that reminded me just how big he is - and that even when we've given up hope. He always comes through.