Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Do not be anxious

Such simple words. Yet so hard to follow.

I have been very anxious lately, and I'm having to remind myself that, in all of the anxiety I've experienced in the last few years, God has come through in big, unforeseeable ways.

You see, when I was working at Summit, my anxiety was all work related. I was struggling to keep up with the extra things that were constantly being dumped on my plate, and I felt as though I was constantly treading water but not going forward. I eventually reached a point where I had a routine and was no longer stressed over my workload, but my constant interactions with a person who was completely unhealthy for me fed this anxiety in a way I've never experienced before. I learned to lean on the Lord in ways I hadn't before. I never struggled financially though, and that relief was a nice rest from the off and on ups and downs of my money situation I had experienced previous to that job.

I am now back in the money crisis again, and though I know the Lord will come through, I'm having to force myself not to hit doomsday scenario in my brain, because, after all, even at doomsday what's the worst that could happen? I overanalyze and work through every possible SOLUTION, but none of them seems like a solution without a miracle.

Yet, when have I not experienced miracles? I think back to this post from right after I moved here, and I'm mind-blown that, when I thought things were at their worst, somehow he came through, and I didn't have to move home (which is, in my mind, typically the "doomsday" scenario I think of- even though moving home is my eventual goal and I'd be perfectly happy to do so if the time was right). I have to remind myself that I know God wants me here right now, so he will provide. I've just got to learn to be more responsible with my finances. Big time.

You see, I have to find a new apartment, and FAST, and without any money to do so. PLUS I have to pay off expenses for this place before I can move out (though the details of all of that are quite boring and I'll save you). Essentially, at the end of January, I either need a financial miracle, or a place to stay while I house all of my things in a storage unit. I'm not really sure how that's all going to work out. PLUS, my student loans are eating at my heels, and here I am trying to apply to grad school, which costs money, while paying application fees. Aye aye aye.

I KNOW it will all work out, but I'm struggling to remember that whole Matthew 6:34 "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient is the day for its own trouble." I live in future thought, and it's driving me nuts.

Also, Jesus didn't really have a place to live either. "Foxes have dens and birds have nests but the savior has nowhere to rest his head." (Matt 8:20). duh. pay attention, Danielle.

I'm so ready to see how God intervenes in this situation, as he always does. I KNOW he has me here for now for a reason, and after a "oh my goodness New Orleans is even more amazing than I've ever remembered" vacation where I seriously considered throwing in the towel and moving back home, I IMMEDIATELY felt a sense of peace and belonging the second I returned to this city. I know he has a plan and it involves New York, I'm just ready to see how he continues to make that happen.

Believe me, if there's anything I've learned in the last three years, it's that he provides in big ways, and I LOVE seeing how he does it. It's incredible, and totally manifests my dependence on him. I guess he just got tired of seeing me try to do things on my own for a while.