Life between highlight reels.

I just received a text from a dear friend of mine that read, "I'm sick of baby news on Facebook."

To many folks, that text might read as insensitive. I'm not usually one to criticize what people post on facebook. Whatever makes you happy I say. Whether it's a picture of your dinner, a record of your workout, or a video of your three year old singing on a toilet - if you feel it's good to share, share it! I get it! I recently had a cousin post that if you were tired of seeing news about his baby then unfriend him. I get that too.

but

What you wouldn't know in reading my friend's text is that she recently lost a pregnancy in her second trimester. She is not alone. Two weeks later that same friend's sister also lost a baby in the second trimester. I had another close friend, just a week or two earlier, who miscarried due to something she would have never known about had she never gotten pregnant - but is going to make it difficult for her to ever carry a baby. These are HEARTBREAKING things. I've wept with and for these women, but I can never know what that feels like to them. I guess it was inevitable that since pretty much everyone I know is pregnant or just had a baby in the last few months that statistically, more than one of them was bound to be unsuccessful or have serious complications - but my friends aren't statistics. They're hurting women.

Both of these dear friends of mine have had to take facebook hiatuses at some point during this season. Why? Because going on facebook is a daily reminder that people all around them have what they almost had. While you want to be happy for your friends, you can't help but to hurt knowing they're all going on with their lives while you're in pain.

I've also faced this in my own life, and it's been a factor in a few of my own breaks from social media. At my age, everyone I know is getting married, buying houses, and having kids. All things I thought I'd have done at this point. So after a while the ongoing newsreel of weddings, engagements, and baby announcements starts to eat at me.

I find it it really hard to balance my emotions between being incredibly happy for my friends and wanting to punch them for rubbing it in my face - then feeling guilty for feeling that way. 

To the people who truly recognize just how unique a gift their lives are, I am generally more accepting. I have a few friends who genuinely recognize that these things are BLESSINGS not GIVENS. I recognize that being called to live in New York  and go to social work school is a GIFT that I am thankful for and humbled by each day (yes, even today when I got on the "hot car" on the subway... TWICE). I try to post under that context - and I do my best not to complain too often. But I cannot tell you how often I want to scream "Wait... SHE has this great boyfriend?! What's she got that I haven't got?"

Once there was one of those quotes-on-a-picture things going around that said "Home is where your husband is." I wanted so badly to respond "So what am I, homeless? Lost?"

It's easy to get lost in the sea of "I can't imagine life without my husband/kids" posts. And even more difficult not to compare.

Every year around mother's or father's day someone makes it a point to recognize that we need to be careful what we post or say because there are a lot of hurting people out there who've lost a mother and/or father. Everyone tries to be sensitive to that, as we should. I am absolutely positive there are things I post on a regular basis that unintentionally stir up some kind of hurt in someone else - someone who's longing for something I have that they dont. We all do, but when I find myself getting lost in comparisons  I have a few things that have helped me to remember just how blessed I am in my current state, even when it hurts. .

• Social media is the HIGHLIGHT REEL. People don't post the awful things going on in their lives for the most part (except the women who constantly complain about their husbands, thus publicly humiliating them, and I wonder why they bothered getting married if they have no consideration for this guy's feelings...). Typically people show you the highlights. No one is instagramming funerals. Even today, I was having an emotional wreck of a day, and I bought myself a float at Shake Shack to try to cheer up, and I almost made some comment about just how wonderful Abita root beer is and how I am so thankful to work so close to a place that serves it on tap... (This is my life...), but had I posted it, it would have looked like I was having a wonderful day, and I wasn't, not by a long shot. Not only was I already a mess, but Shake Shack triggered a memory that sent my into an emotional tailspin that resulted in some fairly embarrassing public weeping overlooking Fulton Street. I need not tweet about that.  Keep in mind when you see happy babies and happy mommies and happy weddings that things aren't lace and roses all the time, but that IS what people want to share. 
• YOU ARE NOT DEFINED BY YOUR MARITAL OR PARENTAL STATUS. That's a tough one. I literally have to remind myself of this every morning. While I may be pining over what I don't have, it does not define me, and chances are no one but me even notices (I haven't figured out yet if that's a good thing or not, but I'm going with yes?). So when you start to look at yourself and think "Everyone must think I've got some major flaw because I've never had a boyfriend," remind yourself that pretty much no one gives a crap about that but you, and maybe your mom... 
• "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light: - 1 Peter 2:9 THAT is where our identity should lie. 
• BABIES ARE CUTE, WEDDINGS ARE PRETTY. Like really. I torture myself because I can't get enough of your baby pictures. I can't get enough of your wedding pictures either. So when I start to blame other people for posting too much, I also recognize that I SEEK these things so it's kinda my fault. Check my wedding board on Pinterest.... it speaks for itself. 
• It's okay to hurt. God calls us not to covet, but that doesn't mean you're going to long for what you don't have - it becomes a sin when you start letting it define who you are, and affect the way you think of others. I admit I've idolized the family I don't have, and I've coveted yours. I have to die to that, even when it hurts, I need to be content with my life (which is actually a pretty stinking awesome life). 

One of my prayers lately has been that if I ever do get the chance to get married and have children  that I remember this phase, and how much it hurts, so I can better minister to women who are where I am - and so I don't end up hurting them myself. I have such a hard time finding women to talk to who GET IT. I love my friends, but most of them got married in their early twenties, to guys they've dated since college or high school. I love their input, but I cannot imagine they could know how I feel - but the truth is, I dont know how they feel either.  

 I recently read THIS wonderful blog post written by a woman who was 39 and about to get married and wanted to remember what it was like to be single. So much of what she said rang true for me - single girls don't want to be asked about our relationships or new guys we're hanging out with, if you got married really young -shut up, and my favorite: we sometimes go days or weeks without so much as a hug, and never having any physical contact with another human being can make you feel inhuman and also dredge up all sorts of temptations. I pray that  if this season ever changes, I remember what it was like, and that I'm sensitive to it. 

I sometimes feel like this is why God has kept me in this state for so long - so I can minister to women just like myself, who find themselves lost in conversations about romantic relationships (because they've never had one), or who don't know how to respond to yet another engagement announcement, or who watch their guy friends get married one right after the other and wonder "why didn't they ever consider ME" (even if you've never considered THEM...). If that's why he's maintained my middle-school level of relationship status and dating experience, then I guess I'm up for the challenge, but that means I need to be as vocal about this as others are vocal about the things that remind us of what we don't have - and being that transparent is hard. 

So here's to being willing to admit that sometimes, we aren't living in the highlight reel, but even in the dull times, life is a pretty good show.

"Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through out Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." - Romans 5:1-2

I love life, but sometimes...

One of the best parts of my walk with the Lord has been learning to see his blessings in every day occurrences.  I can find him all over. I can see him everywhere. And when I do, I like to share.

I love to share the excitement of all of the amazing little moments of awesome that occur 100 times a day in the most unique and random of places. If you follow me at all on facebook, you know this. Whether it's the smiles of the cute little baby the guy next to me was holding on the train today, or the feeling of accomplishment when I make fantastic grades in grad school and can't believe I have that opportunity - I always want to spread the joy.

The truth is though, all of those amazing little things also have a counter-effect I don't often mention. They remind me that on a day-to-day basis, I DON'T have a specific person with whom to share my life. Sure I can post on facebook, or text a couple of friends who I know might find whatever I just thought interesting to be equally as fascinating, but it's not the same as coming home and having someone there with whom I can spread the joy. As much as I am refreshed by sitting on my couch alone and just enjoying the peace and quiet, I am even more refreshed when I can be with other people.  And sometimes, that's hard.

I am often hit with this reality - and I've struggled with it for years, but lately it's been pretty real. Tonight, for example, I had a headache. A pretty brutal one. And I realized I was out of headache meds. My only option was to get up off my couch, get dressed, and go to Rite Aid myself, which I very obviously id not feel like doing, but I did - because there was no one there to do it for me. Then, when I got there, the service was TERRIBLE, and I wanted nothing more than to have a shoulder to lean on and rest my head while I commiserated about having to stand in line for an unnecessarily long time with a headache. There's something incredibly difficult about not having someone to share these little things with when you really really want to - be it good or bad. This is why you see me post stuff on facebook so often - because I ALWAYS have thoughts I want to share, but I'm USUALLY by myself. So what else to do but put them out in the world.

When your'e a Christian, and you talk about being lonely, everyone reminds you that God is always with you - and they're right, and that IS comforting, but it doesn't change the fact that I, one of the most talkative people alive, haven't had a conversation with a human being since my last client left work at 4:30 this afternoon (and it's 1 am now).

Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe other people really do have such a strong relationship with God that they can feel perfectly fine with him being the only person to whom they express their feelings. Maybe this is a faith issue. But I AM in constant conversation with him, so if I'm doing something wrong in that respect please help me out. I'd really love to know how to be 100% satisfied with his conversation alone. The Bible clearly lets us know that we are made for community, though, and that it's through our community that we become so satisfied in him. I absolutely believe this to be true - and I feel it.

It also doesn't change the fact that being alone means having no one with whom to make plans. For example, my 4th of July plans were cancelled at the last minute - plans I'd been looking forward to for a long time - and I was disappointed, but what was most disappointing was that I had no idea what to do next. I knew I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't quite know where to turn. It all worked out, and I had a great time, but not without having to invite myself to join in in someone ELSE's plans. I don't like that. And then, at the end of the day when I was exhausted, I wanted nothing more than to rest my head on someone's shoulder on the train ride back to New York, but instead I got to curl up uncomfortably on a seat by myself. I'm tired of those instances.

I think the most frustrating part of it all is the uncertainty. For all I know this could be the REST of my life. I have no idea if this period of being alone will ever end. The truth is, I have FUN. Lots of fun. Like, really really really large amounts of fun - because that's the kind of person I am. I make the most of EVERYTHING, but I can't help but think about how much more infinitely enhanced my fun would be if I wasn't having fun on my own most of the time.

I have some really close friends who truly light me up when I'm around them. Saying goodbye to them at the end of whatever time we have together is heartbreaking every time - even if I know I'm going to see them the next day. I get no greater joy than to be in their presence.  When I think about the people like this in my life, the people I just can't get enough of, I realize that when you get married, that's the person you get to go HOME to. What?! That can't even be REAL. To be able to go home to someone I love that much every day?! To be able to share all of those little moments with someone?! That's a real thing?! People get to do that?! HOW IS THAT EVEN FAIR!?!?!?

It's not. It's not fair. I want it, and I can't have it, and no one will tell me why. And you know the sad part? I've been so single for so long (thats 27 years and 3 months of never having had a boyfriend EVER - if you're counting), that I wouldn't even know how to BE in a relationship, so maybe THAT'S why, maybe I missed that where you get to learn how to do that so God's sparing me the pain of screwing it up. I don't know. But I don't like it. I don't like that I've been praying the same prayer since I was twelve and nothing has changed in the slightest to make it seem like it's any closer to being answered now than it was then.

So yes, this was a melodramatic post, but sometimes you gotta be melodramatic. I feel like no one expresses these feelings publicly, and I'm tired of not having anyone to look to to know that I'm not the only one feeling them. I'm hoping that maybe in expressing things like this, someone else might be comforted in knowing she's not alone.

In the meantime, I'll keep praying this changes - as jaded as I may be, and I'll keep making the best of my nights alone on my couch with ice cream and/or chocolate, and my long explorative walks around the city to burn it off ;)

Hello World, I'm here still, I promise.

I haven't blogged much in the last month. Mostly because I've been adjusting to a new routine, but partly because my internet at home stinks and since I haven't had any school work I haven't brought my computer out in public in a while.

Today I had to write a little mini-memoir about my childhood and the journey God has taken me on for a book my pastor's wife is writing called God's Graffiti, or something like that. It's a compilation of stories from people at my church - which means it's going to be awesome because have basically the most unique group of people ever at Graffiti. I mean, these people are the REASON I couldn't stand the idea of never living in this city. They are so special. If you've never been here and visited Graffiti, please come soon.

This new internship is pretty interesting. I work for the Kings County District Attorney's office, in the Victim's Services Unit. My primary career interests actually involve the OFFENDERS not the victims, but I thought it'd be interesting to see things from the other side, and it certainly has. My thinking is definitely still being challenged. Do I see myself permanently veering away from working with teens who have disciplinary issues, nope, but I can understand a little bit more about situations as a whole and how people get into them, plus I'm learning all sorts of interesting things about the legal system. Our primary focus is domestic violence - something I never thought I'd end up working anywhere near, but hey, I live an adventure, so why not?

I've definitely got some deep, heartfelt, woe-is-the-life-of-the-single-woman blogging to do in the near future, but I frankly don't have the energy for that tonight - plus I'm really tired of being at this Starbucks.  Speaking of Starbucks, I haven't paid for it myself in OVER A MONTH, because my parents sent me a gift card a few weeks back THEN I babysat for this kid simply because he was one of the most beautiful children I'd ever seen and I knew his mom needed a break - and her friend/roommate sent me a Starbucks card as a thank you! I seriously am amazed at all the tiny blessings in my life. Cute kid + free coffee = win!

So I'll get back to this soon, I'm sure. In the meantime, I need to get back to my apartment and do some cleaning and organizing - I'm much more relaxed and productive when that place doesn't look as crazy as it does right now.

We're Busy Too: The Case for People Without Kids

I'm going to preface this to state that I recognize people are probably going to read this in a way that may come across as offensive - that is not my intention.  I just like to voice things other people sometimes don't want to say, but need to be said. 

I promised a follow up to my broke-people blog, so here it is.

A few nights ago a friend and I were discussing our busy lives.  Something that came up was how her sister had essentially guilted her into doing something because the sister has a kid, and my friend doesn't.  The assumption was that, because my friend didn't have a kid, it was her obligation to be willing to bend her desires to her sister's needs. To be unavailable to help her would be selfish, right? After all, that's what family is for!

"The truth is, I CHOOSE not to have kids right now for a reason," says my friend, "and I feel like until I have one my needs are never going to be taken into account in making any family decisions - what time are we going to meet for dinner? Who's going to drive whom where? Maybe that IS selfish, but it's not fair.  I may not have a kid, but I have obligations. At this rate, I might as well go ahead and start having kids because I'm already losing my right to make decisions for myself anyway."

This same friend then felt guilty for even expressing this concern. As though she'd just confessed to being selfish. The truth is, it opened me up to say some things I'd been afraid to express out of my own fears of sounding insensitive or selfish.

Before I start saying what I'm about to say, I want to clarify that I want to be a mom pretty much more than anything else - except maybe being a wife, I think I want to be a wife most of all, but definitely a mom too, right behind wife (if you don't glean that from this post, check THIS one). It is JUST THAT desire that leads me to my thoughts on this.

So I'm going to say what a lot of people don't want to say: JUST BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE KIDS DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE ALL THE FREE TIME I WANT.

Sure, I have a LOT of freedom right now. I take that as a blessing. When I decided to go to grad school, I didn't have to factor in childcare, or consult my husband - I got to make that decision on my own. I DID however have to factor in how that decision would affect the family I plan to have one day (what kind of job am I going to be able to have with this degree? how much money can I afford to take out in loans?  HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO DECIDE THIS WHEN I DONT KNOW MY FUTURE?!) and THAT'S a really scary decision to make on your own (See HERE).  One of the infinite number of reasons I pray every day that God will send me a husband really soon is so that I can have someone else to help me make decisions - and so I'll at least have some idea of the trajectory I need to be on with these choices.

In the meantime I have to fight off the thoughts that tell me it's my choices that have led me away from being able to get married and have kids at this point in life. I didn't CHOOSE that, it's just fallen that way. I'm sure there are a LOT of single women out there who would tell you the same thing. We look like driven career women who don't want families right now, and many are, but many of us are simply as occupied with our jobs as we are because we need to do SOMETHING fulfilling in the meantime while we wait for our own chance to have a family - and eventually we'd like to find a way to balance the two :)

So, that leads me to my main point : TIME.

I get it, moms are busy. Stay at home mom's don't get the credit they should for all the work they do. Yes, I agree with both of the above statements, but you know what, I'm busy too, as are many many of my friends who don't have kids.

We're exhausted. So are you. LIFE is exhausting. Not all single people without kids are as busy as I am - I get that, but not all mom's are as busy as YOU are either. And some are, GASP, even busier!

I leave my house before 7:00am most days. I usually don't get home until after 9:00pm.  That's five days a week, not to mention on Fridays when I get home around 1am, then throw in Sundays where I'm occupied with church stuff for most of the day. Somewhere in the midst of that I too have to find time to grocery shop, run errands, eat, etc. and then stay on top of readings and paper writing. - not to mention the emotional exhaustion of spending my days taking care of, teaching, and counseling OTHER people's kids.

 I wouldn't trade ANY of those things. I LOVE my internship, I love my job, and I love school. But don't be confused when I get a snippet of time that I'm NOT obligated to be somewhere and I don't want to sacrifice that little bit of "disposable time" to cater to your needs because you have a kid and I don't. Not that this happens to me OFTEN, but it does happen to lots of people, and has happened to me from time to time.

There is so much written out there about "Things you never say to a stay at home mom," or "things you never say to someone with multiple kids," but I'm here to speak for the "Things you never say to the single women who want to be moms someday." There aren't many of those posts out there.

The general theme is that moms are really busy, so don't comment on how much "free time they must have by staying at home," or how "oh I see you're wearing yoga pants again."

But the truth is, I won't mistakenly believe you have a lot of free time if you won't believe the same about me. AND the looking like hell because you have no time to think about getting dressed up? I get that too.  I stopped being a fashionista career woman before I even started because frankly, 'aint nobody got time for that.  And each time I TRY to put together the look that's supposed to go with "confident career woman," I end up having to work extra hours to pay for the clothes I bought that I end up not wearing because I'd rather be wearing the same pair of extra-comfy "I can slip these on after my ridiculously too short trip to the gym and no one will see how sweaty I am" dress pants.

I work a LOT. I'm paying my way through grad school for the sole purpose of having a job that helps others while still allowing me time to have a family later on in life , and I'm working an extra job too so can avoid having the maximum allowable debt so that SOMEDAY I too can take off some time from work to raise the family I pray I have.

What I'm trying to say is WE'RE ALL BUSY, so stop trying to make it look like one person's busy deserves more catering too than another person's busy. I won't even let myself get started on how offensive I find the posts about how tough it is to be a stay at home mom must be to the women who are working moms, or better yet, single working moms. It IS tough, but keep in mind when you're writing that stuff that there are a lot of women who'd love to be staying at home and for whatever reason, can't, but they still have to fulfill all of the same mommy obligations as anyone else - but that's a whole 'nother post for another day by another author (one who has experienced that first hand I would hope).

So yes, I LOVE your kids. I love helping you with your kids. I absolutely get great joy out of using my maternal instincts to take care of your babies - and I'm so thankful for that opportunity. But keep in mind, that your busy is no better than anyone else's busy - and be careful what you say to everyone else too! We're all in different situations for different reasons, some within our control, some outside of it, but we don't always know what's going on with someone else, so please, don't use your kid as a trump card for all your needs - or at least not all the time ;)

We're Broke Too: The Case for Single People Showers

In discussing wedding gifts with my boss today, who is being added to the fifty bazillion people I know who've gotten married in the last few years, she mentioned how, at 34, she's already got everything she needs, so she simply asked for money for her wedding. It reminded me of a long-standing proposal I've had, that hasn't caught on quite yet, but makes total sense:

Broke Single People Showers

The whole idea behind a wedding shower is that you're starting a new household and you need things.  In years past, when a woman got married, it was the first time she had ever lived on her own. She would not have had pots, spatulas, kitchen appliances, etc. Upon getting married, suddenly she'd have a slew of things that she'd always borrowed from her parents, or used in a dorm room/college apartment, that she would now need to have on her own.

This is not so much the case anymore. The Census Bureau estimates that the average age of marriage for a woman is 26.6 years, and 28.6 for men, up from 22.5 and 25.2 (respectively) just thirty years ago. Women are graduating from college and starting a life of their own approximately four years before starting life with a husband.

We need stuff too.

As my friends have been getting married, one right after the other, for the last six years or so, I've watched as they rake in their new towels, and 550 count bed sheets, and the crown jewel of wedding gifts: The Kitchen Aid mixer.

I sleep on a futon. I cook on pots that have been passed down from roommate to roommate. I have particle board furniture in at least four different colors in my bedroom.

Why is it that not only do these girls get the affection and love of a husband we're all seeking, but they also get the goods?

It's as if they're being rewarded for finding the love of their lives. "Congrats, you've found him! On top of being able to be cuddled to sleep at night, here's a nice down comforter under which you can rest together.  Oh, and you get to split the rent too"

How is this fair?

I want a registry. When I graduated high school, people gave me tons of money to spend, and like any good eighteen year old, I bought a bathing suit, a gym membership, and several nice purses.

When I graduated college I got a card and a new blow dryer (which yes, is an awesome gift, but that's beside the point). A few months later I moved to a new city with no job and a suitcase. THIS is when I needed money to start out on my own. THIS is when it would have been really nice to get all these things one gets upon finding a husband.

Instead I end up broke, paying my way through grad school, working two and three jobs, and as single as I was at twelve - only then, I at least had someone cooking my meals every day.

So when I finish my masters program and yet again settle in a new city (or at least a new apartment), if you receive a card from me stating that I'm registered at Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, and Williams Sonoma, it's simply because I'm starting a new life, and a new home, and I need some new stuff too.  If I can't find the love I've been searching for, at least let me have the stuff that goes with it.

But really, all I want is a Hurom juicer.




Stay tuned for a planned follow up entitled: "We're busy too."

I never expected to see your face

"And Israel said to Joseph, 'I never expected to see your face; and behold, God has let me see your offspring also." - Genesis 48:11

I should be asleep. After a tiring weekend including an invigorating Bikrim Yoga session, a 5-year-old birthday party (with an intoxicated juggler), paper writing, and an excursion with my Graffiti kids, I ventured straight into a Monday that started with teaching "Test Prep Camp"(NOT camp, FYI, mandatory three hours of school for third and fourth grade girls), going to Graffiti for "Teen Week!" (yay!), scanning textbooks in Bobst, reading (which is something I have a whole separate blog post to write about), and attending two classes... Got home at 9, showered, and had a WEE bit of time for the word (I overslept again this morning and missed out on my morning Jesus time - which I prefer). 

Anyway, so to say the least, I am tired, and I should be asleep, because tomorrow is not much different. BUT I decided to write a bit about what's going on in my head and heart, and what God has been teaching me. 

I've alluded to this before, but I haven't talked about it much - as it's something I'm only recently feeling comfortable discussing with more than a select few people - but my deepest struggle spiritually is the fact that I'm almost 27 (eek!) and I've still never had a boyfriend (and typing that still feels incredibly awkward).  Why is it a spiritual struggle? Because it's become an idol. This idea of wanting to get married but not really seeing it happening anytime soon, if at all, it can be distracting... 

I am legitimately praying the same prayers I've been praying since I was like, twelve, and everyone else started "going out" with boys and I still wasn't on that boat. Each passing year I thought "maybe THIS year," but so many years later, it still hasn't happened. 

I won't detail all of the thoughts I have on this topic tonight, because they are varied and I actually feel as though I could write a book on it - and frankly, I don't have the time or energy to write a whole bok tonight, BUT I will discuss a little bit about my current struggle and what God's trying to show me through it. 

The truth is, I am so jaded by the process of developing feelings for some guy and having him have absolutely NO interest whatsoever, or having plenty of guy friends I'd date if they ever asked - but none of them do, or getting asked out by the most awkward of awkward guys if ever I DO get asked out, that I legitimately feel as though this is never going to happen.  We like to throw the word "never" around as an exaggeration, but actually cannot picture it ever happening at this point. Ever. and just typing that makes me want to throw my computer against the wall. 

I cannot for the life of me pinpoint just what it is that I'm doing wrong here. I sometimes feel as though there's a secret code word no one is telling me about that lets you enter the dating/romance world. Like it's the exclusive club everyone else gets to join an I just have to look in from the outside while eating pint after pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. 

One of my favorite move lines comes from Sleepless in Seattle. When Annie (Meg Ryan) is discussing her search for real love in relation to An Affair to Remember, her best friend (Rosie O'Donnell) steps in and says" That's your problem! You don't want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie!"  

Maybe that's MY problem. Maybe I've seen When Harry Met Sally too many times. But the truth is, the idea of having an idealistic Norah Ephron-esque love story seems no less impossible to me than having a legitimate one. It really has become that far-fetched of an idea for me, and that's scary.  

I had a moment the other day where I ACTUALLY gave up hope. I was all "hey God, I know you're bigger than everything, but at this point I feel like this is it. I have no hope, and I just need you to make me comfortable with being alone forever." 

Seriously. I prayed that. I can't even let myself think about it anymore.  I felt like at this point I'm starting to get too used to it just being me, and even if I don't WANT it to just be me, maybe I'll be totally unable to cope with the change if it were to come, so God's just not going to send anyone my way. I think crazy stuff like this. 

I was reading tonight in Genesis, where Joseph brings his sons to Israel and Israel is all "I NEVER thought I'd see your face and now I see your offspring" (I quoted it correctly at the intro...) and I resonated with him in a really strange way. He had that legitimate hopeless feeling, and God blessed him with what he desired anyway, even though he'd pretty much given up.

I don't know if God has plans to bless me with the answer I want to this prayer, and I am also continuing to pray that if he doesn't give me what my Earthly self desires, that he'll help this hard-headed romantic to be comfortable with his plan without it, but reading that reminded me just how big he is - and that even when we've given up hope. He always comes through. 

Soaring

So for the last few days I've been extra busy.  My best friend Jessica is in town, and between working, then going to Long Island, then hanging out with her, I've been on the go, which has been FABULOUS.  I've gotten to see so many of my favorite people and do so many of my favorite things, and it's been a great relief from the dreary winter boredom I've been experiencing lately (though I am SO over this cold weather!).

Saturday I celebrated a friend who survived a rough couple of years of single-momhood and divorce byt soaring into a new life and going to TRAPEZE SCHOOL with her.  I think I'm hooked!

I was also nominated by Ashley  for a Liebster Award, and I don't have anyone to pass the nomination on to yet, as I'm new to the blogging community, but I'll answer the questions she was posted as soon as things settle down and I'm no longer hosting a housegues

Other People's Children

Sweet Baby Price

Lately I've had a LOT on my mind. Hitting your late twenties comes with a ton of "what am I doing with my life" moments.

One thing I've really felt God encouraging me to do lately is to be more transparent. Now, as someone who considers herself to be a bit of an open book, I was taken aback by this call, but the truth is, while I'm EXTREMELY transparent in most ways, there are a few things I keep inside that are in fact incredibly deep struggles.  I then complain that no one is writing or speaking about these struggles in a way I can relate to.... but I realized that if people are experiencing this, they are also probably experiencing the same reluctance to share, which is precisely why there is no writing on this topic out there.

So I'm taking baby steps to do this, and my first baby step is talking about BABIES.

When I was growing up, I was SURROUNDED by babies. I have many many many cousins. I cannot remember a time in my life when I did not know how to change a diaper. When I talk to people who've never done this my mind is blown. When I meet people in their twenties who tell me they don't really know how to hold babies I cannot wrap my head around it. I had a friend in college who said she'd never held a baby and thought it'd be nice at this point if the first baby she ever held was her own. I promptly shared my opinion with her that she was missing out on one of life's greatest joys.

Because of my upbringing around kids, and the rate at which people in my family had kids, I always assumed I'd be DONE having kids by  my 27th birthday. It never even crossed my mind that this would not happen. It was the plan. It was the way it would be. I'd get married at 21/22ish, start having babies at 23/24, and have three, maybe four (because I just KNEW I'd have a set of multiples somewhere in there), and so by 27, I'd either be done or close to done. And having kids after thirty, NOT an option. No way. That was such a foreign concept to me. I legitimately felt sorry for people who had kids after thirty. They were going to be "old parents." What about seeing their grand kids grow up? You mean you're going to be in your FIFTIES when your kids get out of high school?  My mom was 25 when I was born, her mom was only 43 when I came along (and 37 when my brother was born - yes a 37 year old grandma). I had 8 great grand parents alive when I was born. We were a family of young parents and grandparents.

But here I am, 27, no husband, no babies, no sign of either of these things changing any time soon. While I've THOROUGHLY enjoyed the last 8 years of my life, and absolutely would not have been able to do many of the things I have done had I had children, getting over my thoughts on this topic and trying to see things from a new perspective has been incredibly difficult for me. I was on the train the other day and I pictured myself being pregnant as early as 31 (which at this point is probably the EARLIEST I will be having any babies), and I cried. The reality of being someone I never wanted to be really hit me, hard.

I won't address my feelings on the lack of husband issue - I'll save that for later, though that in itself is an even deeper struggle. But the lack of baby thing definitely stems from that.

I recently told a friend as a joke that I had to start having kids soon before people I was close to started using all of the names I'd wanted to use for my kids - all of which have really special meanings to me. While I was half-joking, I recently had someone I was close to tell me she was naming her new baby one of these names, and while she had no idea that it was a name I loved, it really hit me in a surprising way. I was hurt, not by her, but by the idea that people all around me are having kids when I thought I would be. I tried to mask it by saying in a joking way the same thing I'd told my friend, and her response was "Well then, start having kids."  Not intending to hurt me, it hit a nerve.

As this week I got the news that yet another good friend of mine is currently expecting her first baby, I've had to really dig deep to not let me joy for her turn into a "woe is me" situation. I was surprised at my reaction, being that I was absolutely thrilled to hear the news - as I always am - but I caught myself crying just a few minutes after I got off the phone with her, as I came to the realization that our kids will not be the same age, or even close, which is yet another thing I'd always expected to happen.

My fears lately have not just been about how LATE in life I'm going to have kids, it's come from the idea that I may never get to have kids at all if things don't change, and that thought is just too much for me to handle on my own. My reliance on God has really had to be strengthened tremendously to deal with this concept. I don't know what his plan for me is, but being almost 27 and still having never had a boyfriend, much less a guy who would think of marrying me and raising a family, it starts to hit really hard.

I know God has a plan for me, and I know I have to have faith in that, but I really have to pray all the time about why it is he's making me wait so long for the things I desire most. I have felt like a mother since I was a small child, always playing house, having little imaginary families  etc. I've had baby names picked out for years, and backup names, and clothes, and nursery decorations. Yet here I am, not having babies, maybe never at this rate.

My current phone background - look at that cheese!

One of the things God has really been showing me through this is that maybe he gave me these gifts so I can bless OTHER people's kids. Instead of feeling resentful over it, I need to simply step back and ENJOY being able to share my gifts with mothers who are in need of some help. I do so love helping my friends and family out with their babies, and I really have to swallow my pride so I stop asking God "When's it my turn??"

It is absolutely one of my deepest struggles, and I'm not exactly sure why God's making me wait it out, but I pray that in the meantime, I can bless people and be a help to those who need extra hands. I pray that he'll comfort me and let me know that this is all what's best for me - because right now that's not how it feels (of course, at 22 that's not how it felt either, and obviously now I am glad things didn't turn out that way).

The biggest difference is when you're 22, you still see your late twenties as this far-off distant thing and you have plenty of time to get there, but considering just how fast they snuck up on me, I'm no longer able to see my future as this far off thing. I see my future as immediate and scary and it's impossible to imagine just how much could change in what appears to be such a short amount of time from this vantage point. I know that's silly, and that LOTS has changed in the last five years of my life, but it doesn't seem like enough, nonetheless.

I'm hoping that I can continue making baby steps to share what I am struggling with so that perhaps it can help someone who might be struggling with the same things.  One of my biggest complaints about being in the state I'm in is that I feel so alone because NO ONE is talking about it. There are no other people out there affirming these feelings, and I've realized it's because people who struggle with this are UNABLE to talk about it openly. We're embarrassed. We feel like we should have it together. Because of this, we don't share, and I think it's time people started sharing. My hope is that being transparent will encourage someone who feels alone in her feelings as well, and perhaps she might be willing to open up, and so on, until we have an actual community of believers out there who are willing to talk about these things.

Freedom isn't Free

While living the life I never expected (and being super thankful for it), I also have come to realize how much of me is still stuck on the life I expected.

This last month or so has been quite the eye opener in terms of where I am right now. The truth is. I don't know where I am. That's the problem.

When people look at my life, they often note that I have all the freedom in the world and they're so jealous and blah blah blah, but folks let me tell you

FREEDOM IS SCARY.

Too scary. To a certain extent, one seeks freedom to make choices, and I understand the blessing that this is. I get that right now, God could call me to do just about anything anywhere and I could do it (minus that whole finance issue, but I don't really ever worry about such things). Unfortunately, he hasn't made it super clear where he wants me right now.

I'm learning patience in terms of his calling. I am having to realize that for now, I need to sit back and just enjoy the ride, but never knowing what the next day will hold is nerve wracking.

I went home last week for a wedding, and I just returned Thursday night. While at home, I came to the realization that if I would have missed my flight on Wednesday, I could I have simply stayed there, found a quick job, and been in the exact same position I'm in in NY. No home of my own, no real job, no real commitments. It would not affect anyone. I would not be putting anyone into a bind. I would simply be transferring my life to another location. When home is as wonderful as it is, it's difficult to resist the temptation to do just that. I could sing more, I could spend more time with my family, I could attend the thousand and one wonderful spring and summer events in South Louisiana. Very very very very very very tempting.

But I didn't miss the flight. I picked up a snoball and a mochasippi and made my way to the airport.

Then I got delayed.... in Chicago. Upon landing I received a text from the airline stating that my flight had been moved back about 2 and a half hours, meaning I wouldn't get back to NY until one AM (not cool). So, since I have all the freedom in the world, I simply asked Southwest to switch my flight to Thursday night, and I had a sleepover at Jessica's house. All day Thursday, I roamed the streets of Chicago with no plan, and no direction.

I then had the same realization as before. I could have missed my flight out of Midway that night (and I ALMOST DID), got a job in chicago, crashed on Jessica's couch for a while, and it'd be no different then what I was doing in NY right now.

DO YOU KNOW HOW SCARY THAT IS???

I probably sound like a spoiled brat right now. But really. I'm learning to lean on God in a totally different way than I ever have before. I'm an emotional wreck. I'm seeking his direction on so many levels. I know much of it will be resolved when I find out if and where I'm going to school next year, but still, that leaves decisions about what to do in the meantime wide open.

His plans are not my plans. Believe me. He's really made that nice and clear. It's humbling though to be twenty five going on twenty six, and to feel like you've accomplished NOTHING in terms of your calling and goals, and to wonder why that is. Why is he waiting so long for my life to start. Why am I twenty five, with student loans, and no significant place in anyone's life but my own. It's so hard not to be self centered in these situations, and I HATE being self-centered. I just want to feel like I'm working toward SOMETHING significant. I want to feel needed somewhere. Right now, I don't feel that way.

So yes, freedom seems great. When no one is depending on you there's a definitely release of burdens, but God's calling is to help others, and not having anyone depending on me is one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. I just can't wait to see where he's going with this one.

Something big's about to happen. I know it. I just know it.

30 Red and Pink Balloons

Though I've been single on Valentines Day for twenty five straight years, last year marked another reason to sit back, reflect, and celebrate this day... and it has nothing to do with romance.

On this day last year one chapter in this epic page turner I live ended, and I moved on to a new one. It's been quite the journey on this life I never planned.

In the past year, I've been on stage with some of my favorite artists, I've lived in one of Chicago's finest neighborhoods (as well as one of New York's), I've moved out of an apartment I thought I'd be in for the remainder of my time in NYC, I've made decisions about my future, I've cleaned up bad decisions from my past, etc. etc.

I can't say I'm disappointed. I wake up each day honestly never knowing what's going to happen next, and I try my hardest to take the time to see how God is blessing me through each unpredictable day.

So as I walked through the streets of Washington Heights carrying 30 red and pink balloons today, I couldn't help but laugh and smile and realize what a crazy life I live, from riding in cabs with major music/TV stars to putting band-aids on two year old hands. Though none of this is anywhere close to where I pictured myself being at this stage in life, I am enjoying the ride, being completely blind to where the next turn will take me.

I leave you with a clip of one of the strangest songs from one of the creepiest shows I know, Yo Gabba Gabba. This plays on repeat sometimes now that I'm living with kids under five (and the balloons today had it stuck in my head). I warn you, it will be stuck in your brain:

Do not be anxious

Such simple words. Yet so hard to follow.

I have been very anxious lately, and I'm having to remind myself that, in all of the anxiety I've experienced in the last few years, God has come through in big, unforeseeable ways.

You see, when I was working at Summit, my anxiety was all work related. I was struggling to keep up with the extra things that were constantly being dumped on my plate, and I felt as though I was constantly treading water but not going forward. I eventually reached a point where I had a routine and was no longer stressed over my workload, but my constant interactions with a person who was completely unhealthy for me fed this anxiety in a way I've never experienced before. I learned to lean on the Lord in ways I hadn't before. I never struggled financially though, and that relief was a nice rest from the off and on ups and downs of my money situation I had experienced previous to that job.

I am now back in the money crisis again, and though I know the Lord will come through, I'm having to force myself not to hit doomsday scenario in my brain, because, after all, even at doomsday what's the worst that could happen? I overanalyze and work through every possible SOLUTION, but none of them seems like a solution without a miracle.

Yet, when have I not experienced miracles? I think back to this post from right after I moved here, and I'm mind-blown that, when I thought things were at their worst, somehow he came through, and I didn't have to move home (which is, in my mind, typically the "doomsday" scenario I think of- even though moving home is my eventual goal and I'd be perfectly happy to do so if the time was right). I have to remind myself that I know God wants me here right now, so he will provide. I've just got to learn to be more responsible with my finances. Big time.

You see, I have to find a new apartment, and FAST, and without any money to do so. PLUS I have to pay off expenses for this place before I can move out (though the details of all of that are quite boring and I'll save you). Essentially, at the end of January, I either need a financial miracle, or a place to stay while I house all of my things in a storage unit. I'm not really sure how that's all going to work out. PLUS, my student loans are eating at my heels, and here I am trying to apply to grad school, which costs money, while paying application fees. Aye aye aye.

I KNOW it will all work out, but I'm struggling to remember that whole Matthew 6:34 "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient is the day for its own trouble." I live in future thought, and it's driving me nuts.

Also, Jesus didn't really have a place to live either. "Foxes have dens and birds have nests but the savior has nowhere to rest his head." (Matt 8:20). duh. pay attention, Danielle.

I'm so ready to see how God intervenes in this situation, as he always does. I KNOW he has me here for now for a reason, and after a "oh my goodness New Orleans is even more amazing than I've ever remembered" vacation where I seriously considered throwing in the towel and moving back home, I IMMEDIATELY felt a sense of peace and belonging the second I returned to this city. I know he has a plan and it involves New York, I'm just ready to see how he continues to make that happen.

Believe me, if there's anything I've learned in the last three years, it's that he provides in big ways, and I LOVE seeing how he does it. It's incredible, and totally manifests my dependence on him. I guess he just got tired of seeing me try to do things on my own for a while.

What's your cookie dough?

I attempted to go to bed early last night when a very lengthy (and I mean like, 5 message long) text came through on my phone. This friend and I have been through the trenches together. We were partners n crime in the times with both of us were furthest from the Lord, and now, as we grow in our faith, we constantly pray for each other and get to encourage one another through totally different seasons in life. No amount of sleep is ever worth losing this precious correspondence with a dear friend, especially when one of us needs prayer.

So as I read through the texts and prayed about what I could say to encourage my friend, an analogy came to mind.

We were discussing how, even though we know we've been forgiven by the Lord, and we are totally different people than we once were, it sometimes feels as though we've lived two different lives, and that the one we live now is not the one we planned for.

and its not

cuz our plans aren't the same as the Lord's until we are focused on him and his will.

"The heart of a man plans his way but the LORD determines his steps" - Proverbs 16-9

My friend and I are both bakers, and I was able to draw from my own struggles and come up with the following analogy:

Imagine you are in the kitchen, baking cookies for a bake sale (or some other similar event). You've gotten about halfway through the process of blending all your ingredients, when the coordinator calls you and says "Oh my goodness, you're baking cookies?! But I REALLY need you to make brownies! I told you that! We've got plenty of cookies."

So you look down at the half-mixed batch of cookies you've got going and your heart sinks. You weren't paying attention to the specifics of her request the first time around, you were just eager to help. You're intentions are in the right place. You've been craving the cookies. There's nothing wrong with the cookies. They're gonna be great, and you've put a lot of work and used up much of your stock of basic ingredients.

You, being the clever kitchen problem solver, start to think of ways you can stretch what you have left, dig out some of the cookie ingredients, use the basic mix you've already started, and get some brownies goin!

No problem. There's gotta be a way.

But the more you add and mix and try to manipulate, the brownies, though coming together, still have these remnants of cookie dough in them, and it's just one big ole hot mess. The more you try to mix, the more frustrated you get.

You think "Why couldn't she just be satisfied with the cookies? What's wrong with cookies?" and you know the answer: nothing. The cookies are good, they're just not what you were asked to make.

You are so stuck on incorporating the cookies and not wasting all those ingredients, so you just keep trying to make it work, when honestly, sometimes you just have to sacrifice your previous attempts in order to get better brownies.

This might take a trip to the store so you're not trying to squeeze what you can outta what you've got left, doing some dishes, cleaning out all of the excess, but in the end, the brownies are even better than the cookies you planned to make, and MUCH more helpful to the cookie-overloaded bake sale.

Our plans are truly like this. I know for me, I spent my whole life planning for things to turn out one way, and I keep trying to salvage bits of that so that it doesn't all go to waste, despite the fact that I know good and well what God really wants for me. In MY plans, I figured by now I'd be married, with a kid or two, and I'd be teaching while raising my little family.

Obviously, this is not how my life turned out, and I am in no way sad about this, but I had to realize, sometimes dying to myself means letting go of the cookie dough.

We have to be willing to let go of our own dreams, even if they're good ones. Yes, I often feel defeated when I think about this, in the same way that I would not want to run to the store to get more sugar when I know I could find a way to save the sugar and still make brownies. But in the end, running to the store is the better option. I am learning daily how to align my dreams with the Lord's plans for me, but in that, it means I often have to toss my silly fleeting ones out.

I have to realize that the life I have is NOT the one I planned, it's better. But I still have to make up for my mistakes from the times when I was NOT seeking his will. Thankfully, he's always willing to drive me to the store and buy the new butter. I just have to be willing to get in the car.

I keep pulling more and more from this analogy, so I'll stop before it starts to get ridiculous.

But I leave you with this: What's your cookie dough?

Why do I keep trying

Why do I keep ignoring the Lord?

What am I trying to do? What am I trying to accomplish? I voiced these questions to a friend just a day before deciding to make another Danielle-centered decision. Why am I so focused on my OWN desires when I know the greater reward he has for me?

I have been working at a school for two weeks now, and it's a GREAT school. It's everything I looked for in a school.

but I am unsatisfied.

I have realized that I am unsatisfied because, ultimately, I don't want to work in a school (at least not as a teacher). Rather, as I've known for at least three years now, I want to be in full-time ministry.

But I keep makin excuses.

I have loans to pay off. I need to go back to school so I can be better equipped and therefore need to go make some money first. Etc.

Like God can't take care of that.

I knew 100% in my mind that he wanted me to work at Graffiti again this semester, and I've chosen not to. Technically, I'm on a trial period at this school, and, in all honesty, I feel myself sabotaging my chances of getting hired. Like, I submit lesson plans late without care, etc. I do like the kids, I do like my staff, and it's a great neighborhood, but it's not ministry. It's just not the same.

Then agian, other days I love it. I don't feel what I'm feeling right now. I feel like I definitely made the right decision by putting myself in a situation in which I can start working toward those loans, move into a cheaper apartment, and go back to school.

It's all a mess.

The truth is, even this morning diggin into Monday morning Jesus time, I read the passage about beinga anxious. We are higher than the birds, and they don't worry about having their needs taken care of, so why should we?

I guess I'm just going to keep praying that in the next few weeks God will show me how what I am to do.

Broken August

As August approaches, I am trying my best to lean on faith and pray that this is not, yet another, broken August.

Two years ago, I posted this . August 2009 was one of the most trying months of my life in terms of discouragement. It set me up for a couple of years of adjusting to constant change and unpredictability in life. I remember it being tough, but I also remember the good times that went along with it. I recall long walks around Williamsburg. Taking the bridge to church so I wouldn't have to buy subway passes. Baking baking baking.

I learned so much about leaning on the Lord, and he, of course, provided. This has been evidenced over and over in the past couple of years. That said, I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to be doing in August, and it's scary.

Come September I can get back into routine with School Professionals. Fine. But August is a challenge. I need to find something else to do with my time to bring in more dough anyway, and August is the perfect time to do that, but it's easier said than done.

Also, I'm getting that whole "I'm 25 and what the junk am I doing with my life" complex again. All around me my friends are growing up. I got yet another call from a friend today who made a very adult, life changing decision. I feel like a mid-twenties teenager. I'm not moving forward right now, and though I'm trying to rest in the present, it's difficult not to wonder when I'm going to start hitting normal strides. I've been craving a normal life lately. It's a bizarre feeling for me, as I tend to enjoy instability and adventure.

I want normal. I want to have a career. I want to have a family. I want to know where I'm headed, but I'm don't. I have none of the above, and it's kinda freakin' me out.

So all that to say, I think it's time for me to get back to New York, settle down for a little while, and pray hard about the next steps, how they're going to happen, and what that's going to entail on my part.

I pray I do not have yet another broken August.

New Job, New Lifestyle, etc...

My God has been good to me. So so good.

His timing has yet again proved perfect. He provided for me an opportunity through a series of events I could not have planned, or executed, in any way shape or form.

You see, I searched tirelessly for a job as a teacher in this city, since long before I even made the official decision to move. They need teachers in New York, right? It's a big city, lots of kids, lots of needs.

Enter hiring freeze.

A few days after my official decision to move was made, the NYC Department of Education issued a freeze that has yet to be lifted. What this means, is that, for the past year, not only have I not been able to get a job through the normal outlets, but everyone else who wants to be a teacher in this city was competing for the coveted private and charter school spots. My limited experience and lack of a masters degree put me in the bottom of that pool.

I did not allow discouragement to enter my heart. Romans 8:28, pretty much my life verse, tells us that all things happen for the good of those who are called according to his purpose. Believing that, I coated the situation in prayer.

While I was still teaching at Worley, I had a revelation one night, that despite my many attempts to reason why I COULDN'T go into ministry full-time, God was calling me to do so, and he would provide the way.

Enter Graffiti.

I moved here for a church. Unlike most people who move here with friends, or for a job, or because they had nothing better to do, I quit my job and moved here for a church. I felt no doubt in that decision. I prayed through it significantly, and here I am.

So, because I prayed for it, God's supposed to provide the job part right?

WELL, He didn't.... or at least, not in the way I had expected him to, and because of his unique way of getting me through, I learned more about myself, and EVEN MORE about God and his beautiful ways.

I'm more thankful for the past year than I can express in any sort of words.

BECAUSE I was working so many different and inconsistent jobs, God had to provide for me in really unique ways. This enabled me to see his little miracles in a way that I cannot deny this was all a part of his plan (see previous blog posts for examples...).

BECAUSE I was not employed full-time at any one place, my time was flexible. This meant I had more ability to adjust my schedule to work with Graffiti.

BECAUSE I had time to work at Graffiti, I was able to be there for the youth through a major transition, which, I feel like, made things go a bit smoother than they might have otherwise.

BECAUSE I worked with Graffiti all year, as opposed to just last summer, God solidified a calling in me. I now know that through his power, and not my own, I can manage to be in full-time ministry, and have submitted myself to that life.

And now, after all of that, among many many other things, NOW I have the job teaching. He said, "My child, here is an opportunity, take it, use it to get yourself stable financially, prepare your life for a future in service, and learn more."

This job came to me after I had stopped looking. I decided that I was perfectly okay with the fulfillment of his provision as I had been for the last year, and I stopped going out of my way to search. I was assigned to this school ONCE last year, and several weeks later, they did a book fair at my Barnes and Noble. I met the principal again, she remembered me, and asked for my resume. (note how BOTH of my other jobs were necessary for this scenario to have occurred)

I lost her email address, waited almost two months to respond, expected I'd never hear from her (as I hadn't heard from a single principal I'd emailed all year), and didn't.

at first.

But then, several weeks later, she called me in for a last-minute demo lesson, which, thanks to my awesomely flexible job, I was given last-minute time off to prepare. Then, I didn't hear from her....

I resolved myself to all the reasons why this was probably not a part of God's plan for my life. The hours would be crazy, I wouldn't be able to spend nearly as much time at Graffiti, I wouldn't have time to spend with him, etc...

Then she called.

I received an offer I couldn't pass up. Not only that, it's in a neighborhood I've fallen in love with over the past several months, as I practically live there and go running there almost daily. It's walking distance from my apartment, which is also a plus. That said, it's the home to the largest public housing facility in the country, is notorious for it's gang life, and the poverty level is EXTREMELY high. They need the love of Jesus.

I'm really praying through the ways God can use this for his Glory, and I how I can be intentional about that, whether it be through my relationships with my co-workers, through how I best steward the income he's provided to prepare myself for a future in his service, etc... whatever it may be, his timing is PERFECT and beautiful and awe-inspiring.

He also, because of using such perfect timing, and overcoming my jaded attitude, has taught me about his timing in other parts of my life as well, and has removed a bit of my overly jaded attitude in one particular aspect of my livelihood.

"Thank you Lord, for all you do. You are so incredible and your detailed craftsmanship astounds me daily. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this grand adventure and beautiful story. You don't need me, but I certainly need you, and I feel privileged to be a part of it all. Your grace is amazing, and covers me in my weaknesses and doubts. Please don't ever let me doubt you, or your mercies, and keep my focus on your will. Holy holy holy are you Lord. Amen"

One year

So, I made it. I survived one year in New York City. I fully intended to update as soon as that happened, but as we all know, my life is INSANELY busy. The little time I have to update I chose to do other things. Seeing as how my readership is down to like, zero anyway, I don't think any of you (or YOU, singular), really cares all that much. That said, I'm going to try to be more faithful.

So a few things the Lord has taught me in this up and down year:

1. Home will ALWAYS be New Orleans. In the words of Dee-1 and Shamaar Allan: "Whereva you put me 504 home." The cool thing about that is, God has allowed me to go home so many times that I know that no matter where he's placed me, home is always there waiting on me.

2. Faith. Faith. Faith. Sounds so cliché but its so true. When I moved here, I had no idea how I would survive. I figured God would give me a job. When he didn't give me a job in the way I thought he would, I panicked. That said, I knew he was on top of things. With the exception of a few truly difficult weeks in August, I never lost hope. I knew he had something waiting in the wings. Then, when he did provide, he provided in an unforeseen way that allowed me to still be at Graffiti WAY more than if I had a classroom of my own. Job-wise, not ideal, but in terms of recognizing the true reason he called me here, AFFIRMING. That was exactly what I needed, and I am thankful.

3. Above all PATIENCE. I've always been one to rush my life. Run run run, it's one of the reasons I moved here. Things move at a faster pace, one that keeps up with my way ADD brain (which can't focus on the same thing for long enough to settle). I have a whole list of things I feel like I should have done by now, and I've always stressed myself out trying to get them done. I feel like by this time, I should have a five-year plan that works, a man in my life who could potentially be there forever, a pretty steady job..... I should have been to Europe, I should have an idea of when I'm going back to New Orleans. I need to move back to New Orleans before it's "too late." Etc... Etc... Etc.... but the truth is HE IS IN CONTROL no matter how long it takes for some of his answers to unfold. Instead of building up unnecessary stress in MY brain and body, I can turn it ALL over to him. All of it. And he's got me covered. There is no reason to rush. I'm young. He's gonna take care of it. I should just enjoy the ride.

Those are a few of the top things he's shown me, but there are MANY MANY MANY more. I just know that if I started trying to put them all down, I'd lose track. Easily. So there, in a nutshell, the biggest lessons.

Continuing Education, Looking for Jobs, etc

I'm tired of talking about going to graduate school.

I keep wishing I had a masters, and missing school, so why am I holding out.

I have been making excuses about all of the little details that are required to get in. I also have put off applying because I couldn't choose a program.

Well, apparently the application deadline for the fall is April 1st at Hunter, and from my research, they have the best program choices, so I took it upon myself to start an application.

Last-minute, yes, but worth it, totally. Hunter doest require GRE or LAST (neither of which I have taken). One of the reasons I'd been putting off applying was that I had not taken them, but since they aren't required, I have no excuse.

I have chosen to apply for the adolescent literacy program, as my favorite part of planning lessons is literacy. Not to mention I have experience in adolescent literature and enjoy looking for ways to incorporate it into the classroom. People with literacy degrees can not only learn how to incorporate literacy into the classroom, but they can use it to be literacy specialists on a campus, a literacy consultant for various campuses, or a lieteracy tutor.

I am getting super excited about this next step, and I hope to stick with it. I hope it's not just my thought of the day. I need to do this for my sanity, and for my career.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

I just finished reading Donald Miller's latest book, which shares a title with this post. I think it's my favorite of his books yet.

The book is about living out a great story. Since I'm always trying to live out my own personal "movie," I totally related to this. Basically, he's approached by movie producers who want to make a film about his memoir, and he realizes that his life is actually quite boring, as they are having to add story elements to make a better picture.

A lot of things stood out to me about this book, and I thought I'd share some of them.

In grand Donald Miller style, he is very open about his feelings. No holding back. He shares how when going through a hard situation, God allowed him to be numb long enough for the initial shock to wear off, and then he had one big night where he bore the brunt of it all, and then he was fine. I've been there. It's such a gift the way God carries us through those situations. I've had many of them in the last year or so, and this take on it stood out to me.

He spends most of the book trying to do things that make is life more interesting and eventful. He takes on endeavors he never thought he could handle, to add that element of conflict to his story. He builds up to them well. This is something I feel we could all use a little more of. Pushing ourselves to the limit. We are daily facing conflict, but how many of those conflicts are significant? I know most of mine are not.

He also points out that in stories, there is always a resolution to the conflict, but in life, there often is not, and we simply have to move on to the next story. The next scene in the grand picture. I recently thought to myself, before I went on this whole "romantic fast" thing, that I felt like I was living out a movie and I was just waiting on the "ending" where everything is good. In a movie, you know that it will end in some sort of resolution that is exciting and inspirational. It got my hopes up.

The problem was, I wasn't looking for God's resolution, I was looking for my resolution. Now, I'm realizing that the only person who knows the right ending is him. When we are waiting out our own stories, we are not always enjoying the ride. We are complaining that we aren't at the end yet. Why is it that we can sit through a 2 hour movie and not be waiting for the conflict to be over, but we can't do the same in life.

Enjoy the drama. Enjoy the ups and downs. Realize that God has an ending for you that will blow your mind in a way that no film ever could. God resolves. Allow him to do so. In the process, allow him to prepare you for it.

On that note, read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.

And it's almost over :(

Last day in Louisiana. Not really sure how I feel about this.

Usually when I'm away from wherever it is I live, I am anxious to get back to all the things I left behind. especially when it is New York.

But right now, for some reason, I can't seem to make myself want to go back. I miss the kids. I miss my church, but I don't miss being broke and stressed and overworked.

I'm really praying about what it is God has in store for next school year. I want to teach again. Really bad. I want a job that allows me to pay off my student loans, really bad.

I've gotten very good at managing money, but I'm not really making enough of it to survive or pay off loans or anything. Which drives me crazy. I want to get those loans paid off ASAP so I can serve the Lord wherever and whenever he pleases so without worry about them.

Whatever it takes to work next year, I will do. I don't want to leave New York, but if that's what it takes, I will have to make it happen. I figure it's more important for me to make myself available to him in the future than it is to worry about doing everything right now. I'm trying to stop rushing through life. So, if it takes moving somewhere to get a job so I can concentrate on paying back loans, then I will.

The Lord is Good

Due to the wonderful provision of the Lord, we have kicked off the 2010 spring semester at Graffiti. I am super excited about what he is doing in the lives of these kids. They truly amaze me and are a blessing to my life each and every day.

In my own life, I started a new journey recently, one that involves letting go of some of the things I've been holding back from the Lord in my own life. I now see my life as a circle, kinda like a pie. And in that circle, there was a large chunk that I was trying to control myself. The rest of the "pie" was what I was letting God handle. I had given it all to him, but that small piece, I kept thinking was insignificant, because, after all, the Lord had MOST of my life, so why couldn't I have some of it?

STUPID

That's all I can say. I was trying to fill that little pie with things that I thought would remedy the problem at hand. A personal problem I've been working on for years. In that, I was allowing things to try to fill that piece, and those things were, against my knowledge, spilling over into the part that God controls. This is how it works. This is the way our lives are.

I've learned that without giving God EVERYTHING, we are contaminating ourselves. I also learned that it is entirely possible to be trying to control part of your own life without realizing it. I had no idea I wasn't giving that to God. I just kept trying to do it my way and SAYING God is is in control. I was wrong. Lying to myself, and to others.

The Lord spoke to me through a few wise friends, and some quality reading, and told me I need to stop trying to take over ANY part of my life and give it all over.

And what do you know, it works. Immediately I feel like a new person. I finally feel complete and satisfied in him alone. BUT, in order for this to happen, I had to consciously hand this over to him. I had to come to a point where I let go of a few of my own loves, that I didn't even realize were harmful, because, on the surface, they weren't. BUT in terms of MY life, they were barriers. Stumbling blocks. I had to give them up.

ever since, I haven't looked back.

I now feel like everything the Lord is telling me to do is coming in much clearer than before. I feel complete without some of the earthly desires I always thought I had to have. I've stopped rushing my life, and now I'm taking every day as a blessing and each trial as a building point.

God is good.