Monday, September 19, 2011

Why do I keep trying

Why do I keep ignoring the Lord?

What am I trying to do? What am I trying to accomplish? I voiced these questions to a friend just a day before deciding to make another Danielle-centered decision. Why am I so focused on my OWN desires when I know the greater reward he has for me?

I have been working at a school for two weeks now, and it's a GREAT school. It's everything I looked for in a school.

but I am unsatisfied.

I have realized that I am unsatisfied because, ultimately, I don't want to work in a school (at least not as a teacher). Rather, as I've known for at least three years now, I want to be in full-time ministry.

But I keep makin excuses.

I have loans to pay off. I need to go back to school so I can be better equipped and therefore need to go make some money first. Etc.

Like God can't take care of that.

I knew 100% in my mind that he wanted me to work at Graffiti again this semester, and I've chosen not to. Technically, I'm on a trial period at this school, and, in all honesty, I feel myself sabotaging my chances of getting hired. Like, I submit lesson plans late without care, etc. I do like the kids, I do like my staff, and it's a great neighborhood, but it's not ministry. It's just not the same.

Then agian, other days I love it. I don't feel what I'm feeling right now. I feel like I definitely made the right decision by putting myself in a situation in which I can start working toward those loans, move into a cheaper apartment, and go back to school.

It's all a mess.

The truth is, even this morning diggin into Monday morning Jesus time, I read the passage about beinga anxious. We are higher than the birds, and they don't worry about having their needs taken care of, so why should we?

I guess I'm just going to keep praying that in the next few weeks God will show me how what I am to do.

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