One of the best parts of my walk with the Lord has been learning to see his blessings in every day occurrences. I can find him all over. I can see him everywhere. And when I do, I like to share.
I love to share the excitement of all of the amazing little moments of awesome that occur 100 times a day in the most unique and random of places. If you follow me at all on facebook, you know this. Whether it's the smiles of the cute little baby the guy next to me was holding on the train today, or the feeling of accomplishment when I make fantastic grades in grad school and can't believe I have that opportunity - I always want to spread the joy.
The truth is though, all of those amazing little things also have a counter-effect I don't often mention. They remind me that on a day-to-day basis, I DON'T have a specific person with whom to share my life. Sure I can post on facebook, or text a couple of friends who I know might find whatever I just thought interesting to be equally as fascinating, but it's not the same as coming home and having someone there with whom I can spread the joy. As much as I am refreshed by sitting on my couch alone and just enjoying the peace and quiet, I am even more refreshed when I can be with other people. And sometimes, that's hard.
I am often hit with this reality - and I've struggled with it for years, but lately it's been pretty real. Tonight, for example, I had a headache. A pretty brutal one. And I realized I was out of headache meds. My only option was to get up off my couch, get dressed, and go to Rite Aid myself, which I very obviously id not feel like doing, but I did - because there was no one there to do it for me. Then, when I got there, the service was TERRIBLE, and I wanted nothing more than to have a shoulder to lean on and rest my head while I commiserated about having to stand in line for an unnecessarily long time with a headache. There's something incredibly difficult about not having someone to share these little things with when you really really want to - be it good or bad. This is why you see me post stuff on facebook so often - because I ALWAYS have thoughts I want to share, but I'm USUALLY by myself. So what else to do but put them out in the world.
When your'e a Christian, and you talk about being lonely, everyone reminds you that God is always with you - and they're right, and that IS comforting, but it doesn't change the fact that I, one of the most talkative people alive, haven't had a conversation with a human being since my last client left work at 4:30 this afternoon (and it's 1 am now).
Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe other people really do have such a strong relationship with God that they can feel perfectly fine with him being the only person to whom they express their feelings. Maybe this is a faith issue. But I AM in constant conversation with him, so if I'm doing something wrong in that respect please help me out. I'd really love to know how to be 100% satisfied with his conversation alone. The Bible clearly lets us know that we are made for community, though, and that it's through our community that we become so satisfied in him. I absolutely believe this to be true - and I feel it.
It also doesn't change the fact that being alone means having no one with whom to make plans. For example, my 4th of July plans were cancelled at the last minute - plans I'd been looking forward to for a long time - and I was disappointed, but what was most disappointing was that I had no idea what to do next. I knew I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't quite know where to turn. It all worked out, and I had a great time, but not without having to invite myself to join in in someone ELSE's plans. I don't like that. And then, at the end of the day when I was exhausted, I wanted nothing more than to rest my head on someone's shoulder on the train ride back to New York, but instead I got to curl up uncomfortably on a seat by myself. I'm tired of those instances.
I think the most frustrating part of it all is the uncertainty. For all I know this could be the REST of my life. I have no idea if this period of being alone will ever end. The truth is, I have FUN. Lots of fun. Like, really really really large amounts of fun - because that's the kind of person I am. I make the most of EVERYTHING, but I can't help but think about how much more infinitely enhanced my fun would be if I wasn't having fun on my own most of the time.
I have some really close friends who truly light me up when I'm around them. Saying goodbye to them at the end of whatever time we have together is heartbreaking every time - even if I know I'm going to see them the next day. I get no greater joy than to be in their presence. When I think about the people like this in my life, the people I just can't get enough of, I realize that when you get married, that's the person you get to go HOME to. What?! That can't even be REAL. To be able to go home to someone I love that much every day?! To be able to share all of those little moments with someone?! That's a real thing?! People get to do that?! HOW IS THAT EVEN FAIR!?!?!?
It's not. It's not fair. I want it, and I can't have it, and no one will tell me why. And you know the sad part? I've been so single for so long (thats 27 years and 3 months of never having had a boyfriend EVER - if you're counting), that I wouldn't even know how to BE in a relationship, so maybe THAT'S why, maybe I missed that where you get to learn how to do that so God's sparing me the pain of screwing it up. I don't know. But I don't like it. I don't like that I've been praying the same prayer since I was twelve and nothing has changed in the slightest to make it seem like it's any closer to being answered now than it was then.
So yes, this was a melodramatic post, but sometimes you gotta be melodramatic. I feel like no one expresses these feelings publicly, and I'm tired of not having anyone to look to to know that I'm not the only one feeling them. I'm hoping that maybe in expressing things like this, someone else might be comforted in knowing she's not alone.
In the meantime, I'll keep praying this changes - as jaded as I may be, and I'll keep making the best of my nights alone on my couch with ice cream and/or chocolate, and my long explorative walks around the city to burn it off ;)