I'm going through one of those dry spells in my faith.
I. hate. dry. spells.
It's one of those times when I'm having a hard time connecting to God, and I know why, and I'm being stubborn about fixing it, and I'm annoyed with myself for not fixing it, and the cycle continues. It's Satan playing his little games and me being all ADHD and jumping in on the fun.
So, I don't have any words of wisdom from my own personal studies in the word these days, because my studies have been surface level. And it's driving me nuts.
Why is that? Why do we let ourselves get all stubborn? I know GOOD AND WELL that my life is infinitely greater when God and I are totally on the same wavelength (okay, I legit realize I can never be FULLY on his wavelength, but you know what I mean), but I keep letting little things get in the way. Little sins I'm having a hard time shaking. Little distractions from spending more time with him. This happens on occasion. I'm over it. I want to be completely washed up in his awesomeness in the very near future.
The beautiful thing that I keep reminding myself when I fall into these spells is that the mere fact that I KNOW what I'm missing out on PROVES how great my relationship with him really is. Think about your close friends. When you and your close friends have been unable to speak on a regular basis, you RECOGNIZE that. You feel it. When you do or say something that hurts that friend, it weighs on you. I'm actually experiencing a little taste of that with a good friend of mine right now. There are plenty of people out there who I'm just not that close to. Those people, while I enjoy spending time with them, I don't really care if I go out of my way to do so. It's not like I'm sitting around thinking "Gosh, I really wish I could talk to that person right now." I'm just glad when I do. My close friends, I feel their absence. I miss them. All the time. I think about them. If not talking to them is my own fault, I feel that distance even more heavily.
THATS how I know what I have with God is special. I miss him in that way. It's not that we aren't talking. We just aren't talking the way we used to, in that really close, day-to-day intimate way. I'm not going out of my way to learn from him like I like to, and I feel it.
So that's my goal, to get refocused, repurposed. To be reminded of just how amazing he is and the ways he provides for me and takes care of me and genuinely loves me. I'm thankful that, while I'm failing him, he's here reminding me that he hasn't gone anywhere, and it makes me want to run to him even more.