Honestly, I'm not excited. I thought I would be, but now that it's here, I'm not so sure this is what I want to do with my life, and now I'm kinda stuck, for at least a semester. I'm trying to be optimistic. I think it will be enlightening, and who knows, by the end of it I may fall in love like I did before I started student teaching. For now, I am not ready, not at all.
I think it's mostly because I feel unprepared. I don't have a JPSB e-mail. I don't have a solid schedule. I don't know what classes I am going to be teaching on Wednesday. No matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to write lesson plans because I haven't had any resources. I don't even have a copy of the textbook, for either of the classes I am teaching.
Then there's that whole thing about teaching science. I don't do science. I've been reading the curriculum and I'm not excited about it. If I was going to teach something I wasn't certified in, I would hope it would be English or P.E. or Health, but 6th Grade Physical Science??!! Gosh! It's a good thing physical science has always come easy to me, because I'm having to re-learn a good bit of basic information.
I keep thinking that I'm going to show up tomorrow only for them to tell me that I don't have a job, since I haven't heard anything from them for a while. I've signed the paperwork though, the job is mine, I've been there, seen the classroom, taken the drug test, etc... It's my job.
But what if I show up and they think I am too unprepared and they tell me it's not going to work and they make do with someone else? I've got to stop doing this to myself.
I'm listening to Tom Petty, singing "It'll all work out, eventually." It never goes away, but it all works out. Wisdom from the Elizabethtown soundtrack.
I think I will be spending a good chunk of the next month freaking out and crying and running around like a crazy person, and praying, praying hard, super hard. I've got to focus. It's a good thing I don't have a life in New Orleans, because if I did, I'd have to give it up, and we all know I'm not good at sacrificing socialization.
I've been reading A Church Called Graffiti. Chris and I found used copies of it in the basement of the strand last time I was in New York. It's out of print, and we'd both been wanting to read it. I know anyone at that church would have gladly let me borrow a copy, but I wanted one of my own. Mine is autographed. Anyway, it made me miss my church, and the craziness that goes on there, and all of the ways I get to see God's hand in every situation there. I'm working on seeing him in more situations here. For now, I simply feel like I'm in the wrong city. I know that's terrible, but I do.
I LOVE New Orleans. I truly do. I can't imagine a more amazing place to have grown up. Seriously. I'm probably prouder of my hometown than anyone else who ever moves away from their home to explore new horizons. I love it, and when I'm not here, I miss it, but I just feel like this is not where I'm supposed to be. Temporarily, it is good, but I want to be in New York. I feel more at peace there. It's begun to feel like home. I'm thankful for this opportunity to spend just a little bit more time in this city between college and real life, but I am still learning to appreciate being here.
So, I'm praying, hard. I hope in the next six months I manage to save up money like I plan to (I'm terrible at saving money). I hope I find a job in the city where I feel most at home, and I hope the transition goes smoothly. I'm praying that God will guide me through this job in Westwego without my insanity kicking in first. I know he will, but it's hard. I'm hoping to be a better planner, and to keep myself in a decent routine.
Real world, I have arrived.
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